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Truth0fDeceit
New Member

since 2003-05-08

Posts 3
Kansus

0 posted 2003-05-08 09:43 PM

Sorry Guys! im new at this bear with me

If I Was
To Leave Tonight
Would You Even Care?
If I Was To Say That You Weren't Right
Would You Give Me A Cold Glare?

I Never Had Something To Hold Onto
Until The Day That I Met You.
I Miss The Way You Look Into My Eyes
But Hated The Way You Told Me Nothing But Harsh Lies

The Truth Of Things Eats My Soul Away,
But I Hide My Feelings From You every day,
Hoping that it will show you i am strong
but it doesn't help when what you did was wrong.

If I could go back in time
to the days when you were mine
i would throw myself into you
and show my love was true

These wounds will never heal
my feelings were oh so real
but you threw them to the ground
and mauled them like a hound

I'll wait for you in darkness
even through the harshest
you will always be mine
until the end of time.

[This message has been edited by Truth0fDeceit (05-08-2003 09:49 PM).]

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

1 posted 2003-05-08 10:48 PM

I like the poem, but it's kinda confusing tha way half of it is capitalized and the other is not. Other than that it's pretty good.
Jenni

To hate you must first have loved.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2003-05-09 09:29 AM

Really good for a first...

The formatting is a bit confusing. You could probably either do the capitalizing thing with all of it, or not with any of it.

And the rhyme is very... usual, ya know? Not that that's a bad thing, but typically, words that rhyme perfectly together are hard to make not sound boring. Like, "bear" and "wear" or "go" and "no."

Keep practicin'... you've got a great start!

Tabitha LeAnn
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 50
Kansas, USA

3 posted 2003-05-09 12:14 PM

HEY BABY,
I LOVED YOUR POEM. I JUST HOPE IT WASNT ABOUT YOU KNOW WHO

. I LIKED IT THOUGH YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AT THEM. DONT STOP WRITTING. MUCH LOVE BABE

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

4 posted 2003-05-09 09:54 PM

HEY YOU GUYS!!! What ever happened to the welcoming?

*has a welcome part for TruthOfDeceit, who's real name is yet unknown to us*
WELCOME TO PIP!!!

May you never encounter another scary welcoming party by yours truly.

In any case, I enjoyed what you wrote. It's disgusting the way some people treat their friends. Like what ole William March said, often times, love is hate's strongest disguise, though I somehow disagreed with him, but oh well.

Very minor stuff:

1. Capitalization. Easy thing to fix, but the first few stanzas were hard to read. It was like reading a hundred poem titles instead of a poem. But very very easy to fix.

Uhm...seeing as though I have to go at the moment, I have nothing else to say, so YAY!

Keep postin.

Your friendly-neighbourhood dork,
Leah

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