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Teen Poetry #6
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Believe
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Believe |
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newguy04 Junior Member
since 2003-04-23
Posts 17ohio |
First attempt at rhyming. This is from the perspective of the girl that I like but doesn't feel the same for me. or at least that's what I think I can't believe you, The words from your mouth aren't real. I can't say I like you too, The hint of this is how I feel. I can't believe your thoughts, All the times that we've fought. I can't understand how your confused, All this time is was me being used. I can't believe you feel this way about me, The past ruined what chance ever could be. I can't let you ruin my life twice, The only thing I can only let you down nice. I can't keep falling down this slope, All you have is false hopes. I can't let you hurt me a second time around, All your feelings aren't real and can't be found. I can't believe you think I care, The funny thing I wouldn't tell you for a dare. I can't give into my fear's, The point to not shed anymore tears. I can't have another "boy friend", All I want is an end. I can't let you get what you desire, All I want is to set you a fire. |
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| © Copyright 2003 newguy04 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Albino_Jenn Member
since 2003-03-03
Posts 105Ontario, Canada |
Well, the rhyming was good, but the rhythm seemed a bit off. It's hard to write poetry from anothers point of view!! Work on the rhythm and the choice of wording and this rhyming style may work out for you!! Jenn **It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not** [This message has been edited by Albino_Jenn (04-29-2003 11:05 PM).] |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
I agree, I think you rhymed really well but your meters were off a little, you should maybe count syllables in each line and then try to make the next rhyming line have the same amount, or 1 or 2 more. The second line usually flows better if is the same amount or higher. Like this: "I can't let you get what you desire, All I want is to set you a fire." I would have changed the rythem like this: "I can't let you get when you truly desire, All I really want to do, is set you a fire." It flowed a little better. Just something you should work on. -dArKnEsS |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York |
Well, the poem had excellent rhyming! Good Job Love, |
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