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Teen Poetry #6
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newguy04
Junior Member
since 2003-04-23
Posts 17
ohio

0 posted 2003-04-29 10:25 PM


First attempt at rhyming. This is from the perspective of the girl that I like but doesn't feel the same for me.  or at least that's what I think


I can't believe you,
The words from your mouth aren't real.
I can't say I like you too,
The hint of this is how I feel.
I can't believe your thoughts,
All the times that we've fought.
I can't understand how your confused,
All this time is was me being used.
I can't believe you feel this way about me,
The past ruined what chance ever could be.
I can't let you ruin my life twice,
The only thing I can only let you down nice.
I can't keep falling down this slope,
All you have is false hopes.
I can't let you hurt me a second time around,
All your feelings aren't real and can't be found.
I can't believe you think I care,
The funny thing I wouldn't tell you for a dare.
I can't give into my fear's,
The point to not shed anymore tears.
I can't have another "boy friend",
All I want is an end.
I can't let you get what you desire,
All I want is to set you a fire.


© Copyright 2003 newguy04 - All Rights Reserved
Albino_Jenn
Member
since 2003-03-03
Posts 105
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2003-04-29 11:05 PM


Well, the rhyming was good, but the rhythm seemed a bit off. It's hard to write poetry from anothers point of view!! Work on the rhythm and the choice of wording and this rhyming style may work out for you!!
Jenn

**It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not**

[This message has been edited by Albino_Jenn (04-29-2003 11:05 PM).]

Darkness
Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.
2 posted 2003-04-30 10:03 AM


I agree, I think you rhymed really well but your meters were off a little, you should maybe count syllables in each line and then try to make the next rhyming line have the same amount, or 1 or 2 more. The second line usually flows better if is the same amount or higher.

Like this:
"I can't let you get what you desire,
All I want is to set you a fire."

I would have changed the rythem like this:

"I can't let you get when you truly desire,
All I really want to do, is set you a fire."

It flowed a little better. Just something you should work on.

-dArKnEsS


Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York
3 posted 2003-06-21 12:11 PM


Well, the poem had excellent rhyming! Good Job

                   Love,
             xXx~*KELLIE*~xXx
*My poetry website
http://www.freewebs.com/poettree/

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