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Teen Poetry #6
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The factory... please critique
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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The factory... please critique |
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brtymj New Member
since 2003-03-05
Posts 8 |
The Factory,2003 she, yeah she, shes so young so young, yes so young, and so innocent time, oh time, has yet to take its tole upon her heart tear, it would tear me apart, to see this blossoming flower wilt and fall apart young, why cant she stay young, why does she have to grow into the norm she used to be in control, life so maluable, it could take on any form but her counsciousness once so ductile, was streached so far it broke old, now shes grown old, to be shaped into societys mold do, what they tell you to do, what ever it takes to follow, the queen bee stop, why cant she stop, why must she stride towards the pride, of popularity she, no longer inocent, no longer has the mind that was heaven sent allthough she may be happy, with indipendence just think what she could've been and it breaks, breaks me apart to see this blossoming flower wilt, and fall apart she received a new identity, at the assembly line, in the factory, of society and i cry yes i cry watching her once warm heart become liquified and when, she solidifies, tears begin to build up in my eyes remembering what was of her, seeing what is no more the tears make there way down from my eyes once so beautful now the sum of all my fears standing in front of me, molded by society, another girl turned into britney spears |
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| © Copyright 2003 brtymj - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SixtiesChick03 Junior Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 49NV |
I really didnt understand the poem that well, and it didnt flow really well like it did in some areas. |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
This was interesting, it flowed more like a song than a poem. The subject matter was interesting, and very relevant. I've seen many a girl turning into a Britney-clone, and it's actually quite scary...... Ellie  I'm not dead, OK? I'm just a little electroencephalographically challenged! |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
"old, now shes grown old, to be shaped into societys mold" I loved this line!! As for the poem, it was good but in my opinion the part about Britney Spears is too specific. I would make it a bit more general, although I agree with you, People these days are too absessed with image. Jenni don't ever let others tell you who you are |
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