navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #6 » Please critique this poem
Teen Poetry #6
Post A Reply Post New Topic Please critique this poem Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
brtymj
New Member
since 2003-03-05
Posts 8


0 posted 2003-04-03 05:08 PM



DEFINING LOVE

Two lovers at work with each other
there upon the green grass
Not a care in the world
time will quickly pass

I feel her warm heart race
hear her rapid breath
I hold my lips against hers
and part the kiss at death

And she wont leave his mind
as he walks through the dark
Searching the true meaning of love
picking the lock on her heart

© Copyright 2003 brtymj - All Rights Reserved
Tabitha LeAnn
Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 50
Kansas, USA
1 posted 2003-04-03 08:30 PM


I enjoyed this poem, but I think it needs more.  I think that if you added more to it, it would get what your saying across better and help make your idea deeper.  I think you may really be goin somewhere with this,tho. Thats just what I think, tho.
chelbs
New Member
since 2003-04-03
Posts 7
Wisconsin
2 posted 2003-04-03 10:38 PM


I enjoyed your poem as well, however, i think Tabitha is right. If you add more to it, it will be more sincere and more will understand thepoints you are trying ot get across!

Ryan Chelberg

Chameleon
Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 99
Australia
3 posted 2003-04-04 12:07 PM


a little cliche'd??
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #6 » Please critique this poem

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary