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Teen Poetry #6

Please critique this poem

brtymj
New Member

since 2003-03-05

Posts 8

0 posted 2003-04-03 05:08 PM

DEFINING LOVE

Two lovers at work with each other
there upon the green grass
Not a care in the world
time will quickly pass

I feel her warm heart race
hear her rapid breath
I hold my lips against hers
and part the kiss at death

And she wont leave his mind
as he walks through the dark
Searching the true meaning of love
picking the lock on her heart

Tabitha LeAnn
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 50
Kansas, USA

1 posted 2003-04-03 08:30 PM

I enjoyed this poem, but I think it needs more. I think that if you added more to it, it would get what your saying across better and help make your idea deeper. I think you may really be goin somewhere with this,tho. Thats just what I think, tho.

chelbs
New Member

since 2003-04-03

Posts 7
Wisconsin

2 posted 2003-04-03 10:38 PM

I enjoyed your poem as well, however, i think Tabitha is right. If you add more to it, it will be more sincere and more will understand thepoints you are trying ot get across!

Ryan Chelberg

Chameleon
Member

since 2002-08-07

Posts 99
Australia

3 posted 2003-04-04 12:07 PM

a little cliche'd??

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