my life is like(revised) - pipTalk Forums

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Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

0 posted 2002-10-04 08:25 PM

My life is like a mood ring
It changes colors acordin' to moods
My life is like a big adventure
I see something new everyday
My life is like two different clicks
You have the goody goody a-students
And you've got the bad boy/gurl c-d-f student
My life is like a giant fight
A fight against my parents,brother,friends,myself
So you see life is like a big surprise you never know what is gonna happen

You can fall from the sky,
You can fall from a tree,but,
The best way to fall is in love with me

[This message has been edited by Chloey (10-05-2002 03:03 PM).]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

1 posted 2002-10-04 08:44 PM

Hey gurly! This is the best one yet!I loved the no rhyming thing you got goin now....awesome...see its not that hard is it? It is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!Quick note: I dunno exactly about the um.... goody goody a and then the bad boy part...it seemed long, the bad boy part I mean...I dunno maybe its me...Check it out go bananas go go bananas go bananas go go bananas lean to the left lean to the right peel this banana and mmmmm take a bite! YEA!

Great,

Ri

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

[This message has been edited by Riley (10-04-2002 08:51 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-05 01:47 AM

Oh Chloey...

  Didn't your mentor ever tell you never to end a poem with a cliche?

It's very important that you avoid cliches in all forms, from quickies such as "on my knees" to two-liners like the Gump quote you tossed into this piece.

A bad cliche is a real eyesore.

I was really enjoying the poem before this, though... I liked your various descriptions of the state of your life.  You should revise this, and work on making an ending that you write independently of cliches.

Sorry if that came across as being harsh, you know that I adore your talent and want to see it blooming fully... so consider this a trickle of water, with love.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

3 posted 2002-10-05 07:56 AM

* shakes finger * ( thanc for reminden me about that Parasite ) Yea...don't ever end with a cliche ex. box of chocolates...come up with something new...its hard but its poetry!

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

4 posted 2002-10-05 08:58 AM

I do like the metaphor of the mood ring, thought that was clever, just to echo what the others said really I think if you alter the end slightly you will have a very good piece here, I relly did like it up until the movie quote at the end,

Anya

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