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Teen Poetry #6

Watching you dream

pearl6884
Member

since 2003-03-23

Posts 72
California coast

0 posted 2003-03-29 12:32 PM

As you lie in a peaceful sleep
You can't feel my eyes
Or maybe you can
Watching you
Dream
Maybe of me
Or not
This might be
A seductive sin
Or maybe just
A girlish habit
I wish I could kiss
That crease in your
Shoulder
But I don't dare
Ruin this moment
Watching you dream
Of things
I'll never understand

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

1 posted 2003-03-29 12:51 PM

I like this a lot, but it seems a bit choppy...but then again it could be your style, so I guess do what you like with it. I do think, though, it would be better with longer lines.
Laura

"All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life."
-Oscar Wilde

Tabitha LeAnn
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 50
Kansas, USA

2 posted 2003-03-29 08:58 PM

AWWWW!!! THIS WAS A GREAT POEM. IT REALLY CAPTURED HOW MOST PEOPLE FEAL AND THINK WHEN THEY WATCH THE ONE THEY LOVE SLEEPING OR DREAMING. I KNOW FOR ME THE WORDS YOU SAID IN THE POEM ARE ONES I COULD OF NEVER THOUGHT TO SAY ABOUT HOW I WAS FEALING AND WHAT I THINK THATS WHY THIS POEM AMAZES ME, YOU'VE FOUND THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY WHAT I DIDN'T HAVE THE WORDS FOR. KEEP ON WRITTING, GURLIE AND I LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE OF YOUR WORK.

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