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Teen Poetry #6
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First Dates and Broken Hearts
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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First Dates and Broken Hearts |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania 
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The dim light hits so I can see your nose twitch with the beginnings of a cold. The gore of the screen is a contrast to the definition of perfection sitting to my right. Kiss me. Lean over the uncomfortable arm rest and let my lips feel a different set then they are used to. Challenge me. To think on the out side of my realm of comfort. You may be different, you may be the same, but how? Give me something to go on even if I can't. Your eyes are his, his nose twitches with the cold he will give to me in a week. He is mine. You are another first date - broken heart. ~Suzy ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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| © Copyright 2002 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Aw... the ending is sweet... If you want a critique, I have something to mention... the flow is hard to keep up with if you do a line break in the middle of a sentence. I like line breaks best when each individual line makes sense as a statement itself, as well as together with the earlier one. quote: That's what made me think of what I just mentioned. Just a little critical point, hope you don't mind. Nice to see you posting again, Angel.  Hope to see more of you, Allan All images begin in mirrors and end inside our subconsious. ~Genesis P-Orridge, "Thee Reversal of Fate" [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (10-03-2002 11:21 PM).] |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Allan, Sure, I'm always up for any constructive comments and you brought up a really good point that I probably should have mentioned in the original post. I've been playing with my line breaks, trying to find my voice. The line breaks you see here weren't the original breaks intended for this poem. I think the originals were more effective and will keep that in mind in my rewrite. Ahhh...good to be back  !~Suzy ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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