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Albino_Jenn
Member

since 2003-03-03

Posts 105
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2003-03-24 08:35 PM

I’ve lost

I’ve lost all feeling
All notion of hurt
You’ve left me in the past
With no disconcert

I’ve lost all bonds
That we once did share
Try to find what we had
I do not dare

I’ve lost all concern
All compassion for you
You are simply a person
Some one I knew

I’ve lost all grief
I don’t care to weep
You’re not in my thoughts
Memories I will not keep

I’ve lost all reason
Not to be cruel
The only time I see you
At my locker at school

I’ve lost all contact
All ways to communicate
I’m moving on without you
To accomplish my fate

I’ve lost you
And you don’t realize
I care for you no more
I’m beginning to despise

I’ve lost the picture
Of this one true friend
You’re no longer there
On you, I can’t depend

**Hope is what Shields us from the harsh realities of life**

Drummerboy06
Junior Member

since 2003-03-23

Posts 46
Indiana

1 posted 2003-03-25 11:40 AM

hmmmmmmmm, pretty good, if you ask me. Though in a few places, the rhythm is a tad weak and when I got to the end, the poem's rhyme scheme just fell apart. Your poem started off rather well, then as I kept rerading, instead of improving, it just got worse. The rhyme got more and more obvious (i knew what you would say next, so I kinda lost interest half-way through) and began to seem forced. You tried a little to hard to make the rhyme come out and it shows. It doesnt flow as well as when you started off. I suggest that you just rework the entire poem, improve the rhythm because it isnt consistant and fix the rhyme so it isnt so predictable. And when reworking the poem, I would make some of those lines more of a sentence instead of fragment, this will also help improve the overall qualty of the poem. Other than that, it wasnt too bad.

pearl6884
Member

since 2003-03-23

Posts 72
California coast

2 posted 2003-03-25 11:57 AM

I really liked this poem. I thought you captured exactly what you were trying to get across to the reader just beautifully. *applause*

Albino_Jenn
Member

since 2003-03-03

Posts 105
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2003-03-26 06:33 PM

Thanks for the comments and suggestions...unfortunately I think I am stuck behind a wall of rhyme..I can't seem to break the habit!!!
Jenn

**Hope is what Shields us from the harsh realities of life**

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