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Teen Poetry #6
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Midnight Promenade
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Midnight Promenade |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA 
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I wanted to re-post a poem I wrote, after I finished doing some rewrites, and submit it for the book! Tell me what ya think! ----------------------------------------- We fell into the midst of an enduring night Now our hearts begin to take flight Our love starts to burn into an ember We must make this night something to remember So give me your hand and let us be lost among the sand on this midnight promenade as the moon begins to fade As you kiss me farewell My words come out of their shell "We mustn't let these embers turn to cinder It's time to let our hearts surrender." So give me your hand and again we're lost among the sand on this midnight promenade as the moon begins to fade As the fireflies light your face I realize to give you up would be a disgrace Every moment seems captured in the waves Our love is something the ocean craves XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo *~Serena~* "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge [This message has been edited by PoeTik JusTice (03-24-2003 03:22 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Serena Marie Corbella - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Awwwwwwww, this is gorgeous, sweet friend, and may the love always shine in your heart and the embers light your smile with fairy dust! (kiss on cheek) Yay, this is gorgeous, you have my firelight vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Serena, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Drummerboy06 Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46Indiana |
Yes, this was rather touching. This is my first post on this site so im not quite sure as to how most people critique, so I will just do what I know from sparknotes. First off, in my personal opinion, the rhyme scheme is a tad obvious and seems very forced. Try going to a more simple rhyming style (abcb for example). It didnt flow too well when I read it aloud, either. You have a magnificent start here, the imagery and feeling is intense, but it just needs more work. The rhythm is also a tad off in a few places. Like in the first stanza, The first line flows beautifully, but then when I reach the second line, I feel shortchanged. Too few syllables. Then the third line is like the second so I think that the first line is off. I get to the last line of the stanza, and it is like the first, so its really odd. The rhythm is like that through the entire poem and really hurt your writings because the reader gets so lost in trying to figure out the rhythm, that we completely miss the intended feeling of the poem, know what i mean? You are off to a great start, just keep up the editing with what I have said in mind and it will be perfect. |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
very nice poetry you got my vote Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
Very beautiful imagery you created with your words.  You've got my vote, dear._,,,^.^,,,_ |
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