Teen Poetry #6 |
the not so black and whites |
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Bruised and battered Cod and, chips away at all thats, left foot first out of the, door bell impatiently, rings around the, eye witness to the, beaten eggs whipped into a, batter(ed) bruised and gently sobbing. Andrew Mister Zu: |
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© Copyright 2002 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
Jester Junior Member
since 2002-08-13
Posts 41The dark corners of your mind |
I really liked the flow of this... the line "left foot first outside the door" together with the word impatiently afterwards makes it very powerful. Not much i could say... would be nice if there were some way to put batter(ed) differently...but that would change the whole thing. Great poem. I am your God, will you kill me now or shall I be continually suicidal? |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
You won't believe how long I played with "Batter(ed)" and yet nothing would work and so in the end I went with the compromise which I think detracts very little from the poem. Anyway thank you for your reply [5thC]: Making you believe the unbelievable |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
This is an awsome poem, man. Y'know, being the person I am, I planned to come in here with some advice for what to do with "batter(ed)", but nothing seems to work... it really is too bad... but it flows VERY well the way it is, so maybe us critics should just appriciate that fact, ne? Hmm.. I just noticed, that if you read it without analyzing it and just let the images come to you, it's like a whirlwind of images flying through my head. Quite an interesting sensation, I must admit! What a wonderful poem.... After Love comes Pain, then Love, Then Pain, then Love, then Pain..... does anyone else see a pattern here? Oh well, can't say it's not worth it. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Eggs ever-so-delicately, battered Bruised and gently sobbing. Something like that? [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-03-2002 08:43 PM).] |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*blinks* I had to read this twice, dude. You're messing with my head again. I like it though, I haven't seen that style before. My second home is Ryan's place... just don't tell him that, eh? |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i personally enjoy the batter[ed]. but you know me with my parenthesis. har har har. nice write. i enjoyed reading it. ::grins:: /jengoingnutswiththecattonight/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Personally I don't believe there is any combination of words that could possibly replace the ones I have. [5thC]: Making you believe the unbelievable |
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