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Teen Poetry #6
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hide and seek (edited, thanks Jen)
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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hide and seek (edited, thanks Jen) |
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LCBS Senior Member
since 2001-11-29
Posts 532Connecticut |
Summers ago we used to play in the warm rays of the country. Letting the heavy air envelope us, and embrace us in our youth. I used to count to infinite numbers, waiting for you to hide and then chasing after you… only to be stopped by fits of silent giggles. This is now, and you seem to be hiding in those same forests. But the air is only heavy with tears that cease, though pain may not. The trees are dark and dense, no light shines through, and no matter how hard I search, you are nowhere to be found… It seems I counted just too high, and let you roam a little too far You used to have the best hiding places. Now, It seems you have disappeared in the echoes of our hushed laughter. One day, I will find you... And we will escape to our own hiding place, Of summers ago… And this little masochist, she's ready to confess -Tori Amos [This message has been edited by LCBS (10-03-2002 06:47 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lisa Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
a few things. i really liked what you had to say in this piece, and the emotion was real. it got through. but first off, i don't think you should title it by the same line you repeat several times in the piece. it's too much. and while on that topic, i think you should try and find a way to keep the line 'summers ago' just twice. once at the beginning, and once at the end. that way it has more of an impact. a stronger hit. i think it would be best to omit the description 'the thick smell of the country'. although it does give a very vivid depiction, i don't think it works too well right before describing the air as heavy. it's just too much. 'Letting the heavy air envelope us, in warm hugs with sunset kisses.' this just seems a little too, well, over ripe. too sweet and cliched. maybe you could change the wording around, find some different synonyms. but i do really like what you're trying to say here. 'I guess I counted just too high, and let you roam just too far' maybe you could say a little too far, instead of just too far. again, it makes it seem just a little too repetetive. good write. keep it up. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This is sweet... I have to say I really like the title. Nice work. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
Wow, just, wow.. this poem reached down and tugged at some serious heart strings. I like this poem. I like ALL your work, but this, I think, is the best yet. It reminds me as how me and a childhood friend now are... ahh, but no matter how bleak the present or how dark the future, we'll always have the past. All one has to do is remember.... After Love comes Pain, then Love, Then Pain, then Love, then Pain..... does anyone else see a pattern here? Oh well, can't say it's not worth it. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i'm really pleased with the way it turned out. it has a stronger effect when repetition is minimized. [of course you already have proof from other people now]. excellent work.  keep writing. /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-03-2002 09:42 PM).] |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Never got to see the original- but I like this version. It kind of hit something in me. Nice job, very vivid. Jenn Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
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