I Thought (part 2) - pipTalk Forums

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AJMGW
Member

since 2002-11-19

Posts 57
Galaxy Roller Rink

0 posted 2003-03-13 11:52 PM

I thought that he was the one,
The one that I was suppose to be with.
He had another plan,
With another woman.

I tought we would have walks on the beach.
Just him and me.
That was the way it was suppose to be!
Just him and me!

I thought that I would be o.k.
I thought that it would be o.k.
I thought that he would be o.k.
I thought that we would be o.k.

The problem was...

I thought

^*~AJMGW~*^

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

1 posted 2003-03-14 06:49 PM

I'd have to say that this is o.k. :P
Sorry...but repetition tends to ruin a poem. The writer has to learn when to use it and when not to.
I think you could have made this much more heartfelt and deep if you re-phrased that "stanza".
Don't get me wrong...I like it, it just needs a little work.
Laura

"All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life."
-Oscar Wilde

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

2 posted 2003-03-14 09:32 PM

(big hugggsssssss) Honestly, I think the repetition suits the poem perfectly, actually the tense differs all throughout that stanza, the emotions poignantly addressing you, him, and you two together and all the positions have awhole different reality to them! (smiles) Keep the repetition, I send angel hugs out to you, you have my vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Melissa, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

3 posted 2003-03-17 10:05 AM

I have to agree with the first person who responded to this... repetition does tend to get annoying.... the end is slightly catchy, and I think that if you revised this, it has the potential to be quite good.

"Wie ein Quadrat in einem Kreis, eck' ich immer wieder an obwohl ich doch schon lange weiß, daß ich niemals ändern kann." ~Wizo

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2003-03-18 08:27 AM

In my owen way I think the rep. is good and not good. Because in a way, I really like how it was done. But then again, like Allysa said, I can get annoying. At any rate good job.

I don't think it takes away from the poem, just weakens it a tad.

Riley

Windows stained with the fog, words written in by a girl.

carol
Senior Member

since 2003-01-25

Posts 624
Florida USA

5 posted 2003-04-20 04:38 PM

Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become
Lots of Love
Rita

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