Please critique this one too

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brtymj
New Member

since 2003-03-05

Posts 8

0 posted 2003-03-06 08:36 PM

The Factory

she, yeah she, shes so young
so young, yes so young, and so innocent
time, oh time, has yet to take its tole upon her heart
tear, it would tear me apart, to see this blossoming flower wilt and fall apart
young, why cant she stay young, why does she have to grow into the norm
she used to be in control, life so maluable, it could take on any form
but her counsciousness once so ductile, was streached so far it broke
old, now shes grown old, to be shaped into societys mold
do, what they tell you to do, what ever it takes to follow, the queen bee
stop, why cant she stop, why must she stride towards the pride, of popularity
she, no longer inocent, no longer has the mind that was heaven sent
allthough she may be happy, with indipendence just think what she could've been
and it breaks, breaks me apart to see this blossoming flower wilt, and fall apart
she received a new identity, at the assembly line, in the factory, of society
and i cry yes i cry watching her once warm heart become liquified
and when, she solidifies, tears begin to build up in my eyes
remembering what was of her, seeing what is no more
the tears make there way down from my eyes
once so beautful now the sum of all my fears
standing in front of me, molded by society,
another girl turned into britney spears

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

1 posted 2003-03-06 08:50 PM

Nice work! I liked it alot, some parts in the middle need to fit the flow better. It sounds like a song. It has alot of talent, the one thing is that the last line seems to set off the seriousness of the poem, maybe its just me, but good work!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

2 posted 2003-03-06 10:40 PM

Ahhh! Take out the part about britney spears and you'd have a great poem here. A few of the "noun, whatever-word, noun" things got repetitive...but most of them were well-placed.

So yes. I think you've got something worthy of more than just another mention of a popsex idol.

   ~Carly

empty arms
and half a soul to go
                     -el sol
                        --Zwan

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (03-06-2003 10:41 PM).]

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

3 posted 2003-03-07 05:17 PM

I hate Britney Spears and people who act like her too. lol
*Allison*

[This message has been edited by devinechild22 (03-07-2003 05:18 PM).]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2003-03-07 06:13 PM

Just one thing, title your poems and don't put please critique this, because I did that when I first came to pip, and learned quickly it doesn't work.

Great job,

Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

5 posted 2003-03-08 05:33 PM

I like the idea behind this but some of the lines don't flow as well as they could and the repetitiveness kind kind of well too repetitive.(damn that was wordy).

Jenn

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