»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Softly you go
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Softly you go |
|
*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Another one of my "I don't like this but I'm not sure what's wrong with it," poems. Please give comments I like the idea behind it, it just seems to be missing something...ahh I don't know hence I'm asking you! It's a little long, Lo siento. Softly as a doe grazing In the morning dew Softly as the rain falls In dizzying bluish hues Softly as the panther Stalks up to its prey Softly as the sun rises To start another day Softly as a man’s touch Caressing the woman he loves Softly as the evening song Of two snowy doves Softly as the mother Sings her child a lullaby Softly as the golden flake Deep within the bunny’s eye Softly as a lady’s hand Sewing the young lords vest Softly as a puppy Makes his bed to rest Softly as you lie there Emitting not a sigh Softly they roll down my cheek These silent tears I cry Softly you have left me With the memory of your warm embrace Tonight you have gone away With a soft smile upon your face People always ask me why I don't look toward my future I tell them to many interesting things are happening today. ~Bella~ [This message has been edited by *Belabebeautiful* (02-27-2003 12:06 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Bella - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
Firstly, this is an excelent write, although you are right there is something slightly off centre about it... However it's not the length, it has a nice flow which doesn't make it seem as long as it appears and which doesn't make it a chore to read... The imagery and ideas in it are nice and well executed... It may be that it starts and ends in much the same place. You may consider a slight modulation or variation on the theme or structure. Think of the ever popular A B A verse system, although this could throw the flow off making it a considerable length... But all that said it was a good write and there is deffinately nothing glaringly hideous about it. Good Accomplishment. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
