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BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

0 posted 2003-02-21 08:22 PM

casual glances turn into looks
looks turn ito stares
stares turn into staredowns
staredowns turn into tears

why do you torment me like this?

unknown forces
bringing two people together
they're so much alike
they combat each other with every word,
  every breath,
    every stare.

They both have that fire
burning deep inside.
its the passion
that keeps them alive.

What they had was good.
But it didn't last.
Hearts like theirs
weren't meant to be overlooked.

  can't be tied down,
  can't be shifted from regularity.

The fire's burned out,
the ashes spread.
It might have been more,
but relationships don't last,
when they have unchained hearts
that refuse to be tamed.

Unchained hearts
that refuse to let themselves love.

Please give suggestions as to what to do with this. I like it but it doesn't seem quite right. thanks.

Jenn

think about this: everyone you know will someday die.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2003-02-21 08:52 PM

(big hugggsssssss) Oh Jennifer, this is fabulous but so sad, sweet friend, I am not a good critiquer but I truly love this as this is sincere and richly expressed, may soon your heart merge with your true love happily, this is wonderful, you have my vote, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jennifer, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2003-02-21 10:04 PM

I like the title...

"They both have that fire
burning deep inside.
its the passion
that keeps them alive."

How sad that two passionate souls can't come together and just love, untamed and free....

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

3 posted 2003-02-21 10:57 PM

Simply beautiful. I felt the emotion. I liked the whole thing. My fav. lines were and I quote "when they have unchained hearts
that refuse to be tamed.

Unchained hearts
that refuse to let themselves love." Took my breath away. Thanks for sharing this masterpiece...I don't think it's missing anything. Peace, Love and Happiness....~*~Kirah~*~

I lie all the time - infact Im lieing right now!
Today is yesterdays tomorrow.

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

4 posted 2003-02-22 11:13 AM

thank you guys. your replys mean a lot to me.

noah, you're such a sweetie! I hope to talk to you more.
Love always,
Jenn

think about this: everyone you know will someday die.

[This message has been edited by BrokenDreams (02-22-2003 11:16 AM).]

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

5 posted 2003-02-23 02:14 PM

I liked this, because it was so honest and so stark with its emotion. And because I could relate to it so well.

Overall a nice piece.

Victoria7
Junior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 21

6 posted 2003-02-23 08:27 PM

i really liked your poem b/c i could really relate to it. My favorite lines were "Unchained hearts that refuse to let themselves love."

Justbleu
Member Elite

since 1999-08-31

Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)

7 posted 2003-02-24 01:16 AM

Something not right?? I really like this a lot....

Bridgette

"Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again. To hold someone, not for a moment but forever." Unknown

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

8 posted 2003-02-24 06:18 AM

Except for two little typos, this seems quite alright to me.

(ito in line#2 and its in line#14) Good job!

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

9 posted 2003-02-24 04:56 PM

I enjoyed this....well done!
~hugs~

~ Trace my body with your words..
And in doing so, you touch my heart. ~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

10 posted 2003-02-24 05:27 PM

Ok this is definitely a great poem. I have to say I know exactly how this feels. Unchained hearts.....I think that's an interesting title for the poem.
I also liked how the concept of FREEDOM is completely reversed here. The unchained heart is not free, but rather caged and incomplete. Without a base (a "chain") the heart withers. Love...It's a taste of something good gone terribly wrong sometimes. Amazing poem.
I guess the one part that might need a little fix up is the ending. Not exactly the last few verses, but maybe an additional stanza before the last would be a good thing to put.

Anyhow, great job on this. Hope to see more

Look at the sun and burn your eyes. You'll be fine in the end.

Eminem wanna be
Member

since 2003-02-04

Posts 52
Windsor, Missouri

11 posted 2003-02-24 05:28 PM

Hey that was really good. I liked it a lot!

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

12 posted 2003-02-24 07:59 PM

I like it a lot...voting!!

but..

looks turn ito stares - should be into?

Chanson
Senior Member

since 2000-08-19

Posts 1559
Up Creek w/Out Paddle

13 posted 2003-02-24 10:35 PM

Jenn, this is a strong
poem from beginning to end.

Good work. *s

When you think you have heard it all,
listen more closely.
~Dorene

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

14 posted 2003-02-25 02:44 AM

I liked the message you sent in this poem and it came out loud and clear. You did a great job so now off I go to vote

~* Carpe' Diem *~

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

15 posted 2003-02-25 11:19 PM

This was such a beautiful poem! WOW!!
It most definitly has my vote!!
Amazing! And going in my library, you can't know how much I appreciate this poem.

WinterWren
"Even a fool knows that we cannot touch the stars, but that doesn't keep the wise from trying."

rimmie
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 45
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

16 posted 2003-02-26 05:30 PM

That was AWSOME!...one fo the best ones I've seen! I absolutely loved it!

Keep up the GREAT job!!!

~RuZ~

Angel
Senior Member

since 1999-07-02

Posts 551
Pennsylvania

17 posted 2003-03-02 01:41 AM

Very nice.

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

18 posted 2003-03-02 01:13 PM

Good!

Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

19 posted 2003-03-03 06:40 PM

Hey there Jenn hun, i really loved this poem and like the others dont really think anything is missing. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. It definitely is hard trying to love someone knowing they love you to but only in a way that a friendship would form from it and nothing else. I have also been there. But if you ever need someone to talk to you can write me and what not.

Hugs,
Chris

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

20 posted 2003-03-04 01:29 PM

This poem was soooo good! The whole concept and meaning was great. I especially like the title! Good, good write! Got my vote.

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

21 posted 2003-03-05 12:54 PM

Nicely done

Like it!

~Every girl has a dream within.

frolicking dolphin
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 268
my own special world

22 posted 2003-03-06 03:18 PM

This poem is so beautiful, I can't even express in words how much I loved it. I've been in the same situation far too many times. You've got my vote.

~*~Karen~*~

~Dream like you'll live forever,live like you'll die tomorrow~

FlyingCloud
Member

since 2003-04-28

Posts 151
A little place inside my head

23 posted 2003-05-02 05:55 PM

*sniffles* This is really good...

^~Whoever does not love his work cannot hope that it will please others.~^
Unknown

AlostHeart
Member

since 2003-05-01

Posts 78
Wisconsin, U.S.

24 posted 2003-05-02 07:03 PM

See girl i told you that you could do it!
Look at these replies your getting and all of the votes. It's just made me realize how much i suck!!

But im happy for you!

Jeremy Halstead
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 569
Morris, Ill. U.S.A

25 posted 2003-05-02 07:39 PM

Hey Jenn...I really liked this poem. It dives into a an angle of love and relationships that's rarely explored. It also hits kinda close to home for me...my ex-girlfriend lived with me for a year and a half, but somehow, we let our other desires and selfishness tare us apart...we both believe that one-day will be back together when our lives lead us that way...I can't really provide any constructive critisism here because it spoke to me just the way it is...great job..

Jeremy

Be it in the truest form, or a desperate lack thereof, fail not to understand that the inspiration is love.

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

26 posted 2003-05-03 12:06 PM

my goodness i never expected to get so many replies, so thank you to all those who did. I'm happy to say that this poem was accepted into the book. Unfortunatly, my parents wouldn't let me have it in there.

anyway, thanks again to all those who replied.

And tori you do not suck. Remember I thought this one sucked at first and now look at it.

luv yas,
Jenni

To hate you must first have loved.

Fariegirl
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 147

27 posted 2003-05-03 06:10 PM

I liked this poem.

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