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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-09-30 09:47 PM

sparkling eyes doth the destructive view
aside from all sweet memories and momentos
cantering hopes and feelings pushed away
all for the good sake of you
yet a sinking thought floods the back of my mind

look at me now sweat pouring off me
all for your well being so true
look should not matter you not now anyway
after all we have been known for so long
does that matter at all to you
of any importance in this day and hour
time yet ticks so heavenly by

no you are leaving with no explanation
giving me a chance to say goodbye
why not just leave and spare my the pain
and the tears wasted on the wretched ground
my heart not deserving such horrible suffering
you try and comfort but all that can help
is your heart cradling my love

i now await your call
anixiously waiting for my cue to come on
so we can know each other much better
and laugh together as more than friends should

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-09-30 11:18 PM

This is pretty good, Riley. Your second stanza is my favourite, I really like the description you use in it.

I also like "the tears wasted on the wretched ground." Wretched ground... wow, that just stunned me...

This poem is very shifty... a lot of different tones, the second stanza was almost violently emotional... but the last is so solemn and... uneasy.

One thing though... lately you have been neglecting to title your poetry. Titling is very important, and although many "untitled" poems have become quite well-known... "untitled" is a terrible fate to give your poem. These poems are seldom remembered and revered as they often deserve to be. Put some time into a title, so I don't have to say "my favourite Riley poem is 'no title.' Look it up!"

Otherwise, very nice work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

[This message has been edited by Local Parasite (09-30-2002 11:30 PM).]

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

2 posted 2002-10-14 09:57 AM

I really enjoyed reading this, though at times it was hard work, i think that you need to read this yourself as I found a few things that could probably do with spelling correctly. Apart from that it was a great peice, thanks for sharing

Andrew

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-14 02:07 PM

I enjoyed this riley. I liked the ending a lot. The only thing you should work on is your presentation a bit more. Try and spell the words right and for the other poems, punctuation. It is good for flow

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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