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Teen Poetry #6
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When I found you....
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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When I found you.... |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
When I found you Your hands were cut and your knees were scraped Your heart was battered and torn. You acted mechanical as if you were a robot that had no feelings to speak of. Your fire was cool, and your light had grown dim. The coals faintly glowed. Your days seemed long and endless. You felt as if you were unwanted. It was then that I came to you. The rain slowly ceased the clouds cleared, and the sun shined bright and there it was a Rainbow, when I found you. James Dean  [This message has been edited by Dean (01-29-2003 06:58 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 James Dean - All Rights Reserved | |||
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Well that was lovely. I like the idea, I like the wording, and I think it's pretty. I do suggest you take the question mark off the first line of each stanza... "When I found you..." or no punctuation, seems a little less difficult to get through. I liked all the stanzas except this one I think could use revising: "You acted mechanical as if you were a robot that had no feelings to speak of." Overall well done!!! |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
Anybody have any better ideas with the stanza "you acted mechanical as if you were a robot with no feelings to speak of"???????????? James Dean ;) |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Hiya.  Are you new? Welcome, if you are. They call me Titus. I enjoyed the poem, I could get a distinct feel for it. Just one thought; I think the repitition of that one line distracts from the poem. It may just be me, even a fan of repitition; just something to consider. Taking out the repitition, here is another way you might be able to format it:"Your hands were cut and your knees were scraped Your heart was battered and torn. You acted mechanical as if you were a robot that had no feelings to speak of. Your fire was cool, and your light had grown dim. The coals faintly glowed. Your days seemed long and endless. You felt as if you were unwanted. It was then that I came to you. The rain slowly ceased the clouds cleared, and the sun shined bright and there it was a Rainbow... when I found you." Hope I helped. Again, welcome, if you are indeed new.  I just saw you aren't new.... guessed we haven't crossed paths. Sorry, mate. I appologize. ~Titus  PS: James Dean is my hero! Tight. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. --Aldous Huxley [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (01-29-2003 06:53 PM).] |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
Thanx Titus! I like they way you put it together. Thanx for the help man. Oh by the way i'm not new just havent posted or wrote for like year! Check out my old stuff if you would like. James Dean [This message has been edited by Dean (01-29-2003 06:59 PM).] |
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akira Member
since 2002-07-13
Posts 79Idaho |
wonderful poem...very well written...and its very deep and very full of thought Akira |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
I just want to say thank you everybody. It's nice hearing all these compliments. I'v been gone for a long time and now I'm back! Also the constructive criticisms are greatly appreciated! James Dean [This message has been edited by Dean (01-29-2003 08:09 PM).] |
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AJMGW Member
since 2002-11-19
Posts 57Galaxy Roller Rink |
I liked it. emotion was in it. Nice |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Hmm... I disagree with titus. I really liked the repetition. Whatever floats your boat! It looks real good now!!! -other |
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