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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-09-29 02:47 PM

steely eyes come down on my body
wrapping around me like a constricting crime
fleeing off the shadows of the ground
none the less the worse half of the world
single tears fall from a pool of hopeless peace
thinking shallow thoughts yet to be heard
by the silent sheaths of horrid defense
within the grasp of your binded heart
the little lost soul by now and then
laughing unrelentesly to the ever resilent beat
of the wreaking ball peaking its destruction
on my cracking heart of faulty crown
zero reads the little numbers
on the eyes of the beloved person i vow
shorter the notes i have read before
that floated on a slivery cloud
and left beforth on the firey doom
that can shaft the holes to blow sweet breath
to revive the lifeless form that lay before you
only to be known by the few that care
or dont for the matter of this
taken for granted a thousand times before
but noticed as sweetly as been forgotten
yet steely eyes still wrap around me
constricting the life out of me
like a hidious crime

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

1 posted 2002-09-29 03:03 PM

hey babe it's Chloey i luv all ur poetry even if i aint big on stuff that doesnt rhyme i am a newbie at this kind of thing but its still awesome

*$*Chloey*$*

East to the Ocean
West to the Sand
Death to the Biz-atch
That touches my man

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-09-29 03:06 PM

Hey, thanks a ton, gurl you should try to not rhyme to, its pretty cool, and not as restricting! Thanks a ton!!!!!

~*Ri*~

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-09-30 07:49 PM

Riley -

Doing away with rhyme is a good thing to mess around with.  Stanzas can be kept in the absence of rhyme, however... and they very well should be.

This all seems so stuck together, it almost rambles.  I really think you should divide it into stanzas.

There's a lot of killer lines in here that I wouldn't want to see gone to waste.  Work on this one a bit, okay?

Talk to you later,
Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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