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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-09-26 08:11 AM

Because of a couple of people I have decided to try punctuation.....its may not be good but hey it is punctutation.

Looking up to the sky
rain falls onto my face.
Hoping that the drops
are kisses from you,
landing on my tender cheeks.

Alas....you are scared,
as I am also for us.
Tell me everything will be ok,
in the end everything will return.
All will be well,
once two hearts are joined,
and two hands touch.

Tell me now what you see,
when you find my rain dropped eyes.
Shimmering in the sunlight,
like rain on a cool spring day.
Redundant might you say,
all this talk of rain and spring....
you shall never know
until you take the time to see.

Now you know....how to reach me,
touch my heart in so many words.
Tell me you love me once and for all,
and show my everyday.....
with your smile, your laugh,
by simply being
you.

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

1 posted 2002-09-26 01:42 PM

I really can't decide whether I like it more with the punctuation than without. I'm leaning towards without, because that is the style I associate with you. But, you did do a decent job incorporating it into this poem. There were a couple of instances where I, myself, would have done differently.

Punctuation aside, I think you're doing a wonderful job. You're delving into two of my favorite topics, love and despair. Great job.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-09-30 07:48 PM

Bah, Riley... Toss the punctuation, seriously.  It broke the flow that I'm used to for you.  For every poet that I truly appreciate I have a certain way of reading... when I read Riley poetry I put myself in a Riley frame of mind and read it like I read Riley poetry.  Make sense?

Use of punctuation is too much a departure from your established way of making your poetry flow, and it stuck out like a sore thumb for me.  As much as I try to ignore it, it takes away from the poem by making it seem more constricted and prosesque... if prosesque is a word (if not, it is now).

I like the rhyme you mixed into stanza 4.  Really neat, but would have been a lot better if it wasn't divided by a period.

Once again, write like Riley.  I'm all for growth, but punctuation isn't something you should try to incorporate into your style.  You do excellently without it.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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