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Darkness
Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.

0 posted 2003-01-24 09:31 AM

I'm turning down a new road,
A new life
It always gets twisted 'round,
Like an old knife

I'm turning down a new way,
A new direction
Crying out and only recieving
The same old inspection

I'm turning down a new route,
A new lie
It follows me wherever I go,
And Inside I just die

I'm turning down the last road,
A new cost
The Reaper waits at the fork for me,
And in the end I lost.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2003-01-24 09:55 AM

I'd get off that road.....

I liked the idea you were going with, but the rhymes felt a bit forced....but like I said, I liked it.

Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

2 posted 2003-01-24 10:11 PM

I like.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

3 posted 2003-01-25 04:22 PM

Good job, very powerful poem.
I like it alot.
Well done!

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

4 posted 2003-01-25 10:03 PM

I think perhaps if there wasn't so much ryming then it would have a better flow...maybe thats just cuase i dont like rythms(eeek...squirms)other then that it was a nice poem. continuing writing

Regina

"heaven truley knows that thou art false as hell...one that loved not wisely,but too well..she swore..'twas a strange ,'twas passing strange"-othello

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

5 posted 2003-01-25 11:20 PM

Well that was a great idea, but I agree about the forced rhyming. It takes away from the idea, which should be the most important part! Don't deny it the attention it deserves! Take out the rhymes and it will be absolutely wonderful.

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

6 posted 2003-01-26 02:10 AM

It was a very good poem and I really liked it, but I agree that the rhyming sounded forced.  The first stanza...

"I'm turning down a new road,
A new life
It always gets twisted 'round,
Like an old knife"

The old knife thing...  I don't get how that has anything to do with getting twisted around, but maybe I'm just missing something.

Anyway, I liked it overall.  Good message behind it that is often far too true.  Thanks for sharing.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

Darkness
Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.

7 posted 2003-01-26 09:08 AM

Thank you everybody. Yeah I agree I tried to hard to make this one rhyme.

Cwboy, the knife thing, it is a reference to death. When someone gets stabbed and the killer twists the knife in their skin the bleeding won't stop and they(most of the time)die of blood loss. Thats what that was all about.

blakloks
Member

since 2002-06-01

Posts 60

8 posted 2003-01-26 10:51 AM

hey... I really can identify with this.
The way I interpret it, its no matter how hard you try to start all over again and change and whatever, the same things come back again and again until at the end you just lose.
Loved this.

Darkness
Member

since 2002-10-17

Posts 202
The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies.

9 posted 2003-01-26 12:36 PM

Exactly!!!! Bravo Bravo!!! If I was rich I would give you a million dollars. Great Interpretation!

Darkness

smurf_gurl
Junior Member

since 2003-01-20

Posts 19
US of A

10 posted 2003-01-26 01:35 PM

I like it, but I have to agree with everyone on the forced rhyming issue. I dont think it takes too much out of it though. anyway, nice job

~Stace

Boredom is killing me...
Boredom is killing...
Boredom is...
Boredom...
.....

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