The First Time We Really Talked [short]

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StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2003-01-14 08:56 PM

You're the type of person who can look into someone's eyes while talking.
I'm the type of person who has to look away every once in a while.

"It's hard to look in the mirror these days when everyone has everything you'd rather be."-Saves The Day

[This message has been edited by StellarChica (01-14-2003 08:58 PM).]

clve527
Member

since 2002-07-08

Posts 200

1 posted 2003-01-14 08:59 PM

I think this would be more effective, if you are deadset on the wording, if it were broken up different. Some line breaks would benefit. Also if you were more descriptive, which doesn't mean that you need to add more words, just be sure to use the best words you can.

casey

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2003-01-15 01:33 AM

" if it were broken up different. Some line breaks would benefit."

Well put.

I think it definetely has promise, just maybe a bit more depth to it... by depth I mean to it's length, or format, not neccessarily it's meaning.

~Titus

"A life unexamined is not worth living."
-Socrates

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

3 posted 2003-01-15 02:56 AM

Erin~
I really enjoyed the thoughts you've penned here.
I do have to agree with Casey and Ti, though,
that this would be even more effective if it
were broken up into a few more shorter lines.
That, I believe, would give more emphasis to
what you are attempting to convey.
As I said though, I do love the whole idea of this.
Nicely done.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2003-01-15 08:35 AM

I have to agree with all the above, it has a nice message it just needs something more. Maybe you could shorten the title a bit to, that title is really long, maybe to something like when we talked, or just we talked, or something to the effect. At any rate good job......really potential (sp)

Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York