»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Control(another one about rape
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Control(another one about rape |
|
|
Susie Junior Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 36Illinois |
You gave me only so many drinks, Making sure that they kicked in. I didn't think it was possible for me to get so drunk. i didn't think it was possible for anyone to control my life. But you proved me wrong, when you forced yourself inside me. You proved me wrong, when you got me doing things I wouldn't have if I was sober. You managed to control my life for three hours And it still hurts. But I've got you now! Three hours? Is that the best four older guys can do? I knew I was stronger, Cuz I got you for at least three years! The consequence to you controlling my life for no more than hours, Is me controlling your lives for no more than years! |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Susie - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
rimmie Junior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 45Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada |
Once again I comend you! I'm not sure if you remeber my reply on your previous peom but I had a painfully similar experiance to yours. I think that this is a very pewefull peom and gives off a very strong messssge. Hope everything turns out good for you, and best of luck in the future. ~RuZ~ |
||
|
Chel2082 Junior Member
since 2002-07-23
Posts 40Baltimore, MD |
After reading this piece I thought it had a powerful message and sad sense of belief. I dont think I could have written a piece on this subject, I believe you did a great job of expressing your feelings. Keep up the good work. Chel With GOD all things are possible...<3 CHEL |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
Im glad they got what they deserved! Though I think all rapists, no matter how old or how many or what part in the rape they had, should get life.  Are you scared? |
||
|
wvplayernotreally Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 215yakima wa |
Good job. nothing I have every experianced nor want too. I am sorry for what happened to you. It is a tragic thing that is plaging out culture today. Thanks for taking such a sensitive subject and sharing it with us. " I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking." |
||
Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
You tend to play beautiful chords on such a touchy subject. Great job. You orchastrate your words into a powerful image. You know the day's gonna be bad, when you start it off---with Sephiroth at your door, demanding his toaster back... |
||
|
Susie Junior Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 36Illinois |
hey,it's me~the writer. i was readin my poem over again and i realized a mistake i made~in the last line i wrote that i've got their lives for no more than years but that was supposed to be no LESS than years~sorry! and thanx 4 the replies! |
||
|
Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Hey there I'm sorry this had to happen to you. All though I don't know how it feels. I do commend you on expressing your feelings about it. That takes a lot of courage and strength to do. Besides the point it was a great poem Darkness |
||
|
OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
I don't want to be the bad guy here... but I really don't think you went as far as you could with it. I mean I'm sorry it happened to you and all, and if you're writing to get your anger out, that's fine... but as far as getting to be a better writer, I think you could portray more emotion in it, and use more words and increase the intensity of it. It seems like anyone could write a sad poem about rape and everyone would say "oh how sad..." but you want to stand out because it happened to YOU. Don't let it be like some awareness commercial where a meaningless character preaches about how wrong it is... I think you have all that anger in you and you should do it justice by writing something that will just blow all those dirty rapists back where they belong. I know you have it in you... so i thought it would be unfair if I didn't comment. Again I'm sorry about it... and that wasn't a BAD poem, but I think you should write more, and consider it... make it personal. |
||
|
EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
I'm with OtherSideOfTheMirror on this one. It wasn't a bad poem, but maybe you could develop it into an even better one by including your exact thoughts and feelings at the time, now, etc. as opposed to just writing what happened. Exploring the emotional side of rape is hard, but makes extremely powerful poetry. Ellie  "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
||
|
ButterflyInReverse New Member
since 2002-12-20
Posts 3 |
*sigh* that's my thought...as others have said, i am so deeply sorry that you had to experience this kind of trauma, i do not know first-hand...but i know many times over 2nd hand. on the other...well...hand (for lack of a better word), ithink there is so much emotion that goes along with this situation, but you did not even touch on it in this poem. there are points in which you get into it a little, but then it gets pulled right back out and you don't really know what mood you're trying to convey. the whole ending did not make any sense, when you were basically talking about a sort of "revenge" on the guys that did this to you. sorry this is all jumbled and doesn't make sense, but i think you can do a lot more with what you've been given...try to give out more emotion rather than fact. i think there's a lot you can say and i would like to hear it...keep writing. |
||
|
Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
i agree with the othersideofthemirror.it could be more personal. there was anger but it coukd be developed.maybe yu could revise it....show us it with more elaboration of your feelings....just a thought regina ps-i have went through an experience like this....its very tough..keep your head high |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
BOO! Are you now?
