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Alnilam
Member

since 2003-07-04

Posts 75

0 posted 2003-07-05 03:32 PM

Careening through the emptiness
Swaying on through life
Where my destiny takes me
Through the pain and strife

I wish I could forsee
Or determine the oncoming end
Who or what I will be
How this life, I'll spend

My dreams, so gentle
So innocently built
Came crashing and
Falling with guilt

Spiraling, tumbling through
This abysmal void
Wanting to grab on to
Someone to save my fall

When I had nothing left
No reason left to fight
No hopes or dreams or wishes
But a desperate prayer in the night

An I could only think
Nothing will come my way
I closed my eyes to blink
And now I can really say

A miracle happened to me
A miracle named you.

I wrote this a long time ago, and I keep bringing it out and trying to fix the rhyme. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate it.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

1 posted 2003-07-05 04:00 PM

First of all, welcome...

I'm so glad you decided to come share your poetry with us!

What an honor to be the first.

Nice choice for a first post... you seem to have been writing for quite awhile. I see what you mean about the rhyme... the only real problem is in the fourth verse. Errmmmmm... unfortunately, I have no suggestions.

You may have to change that entire paragraph to make it work... I hate to say that, because I rather like what it says. But not much rhymes with "void." One thing you could try... imperfect rhyme. Say... "void" and "fall" are pretty far away from even sounding alike. But "void" and words like "stood" and "good" are pretty close.

Whew, okay. Maybe I did have suggestions.

Rambling post of the day done with, I love your poetry and I can't wait to read more!

-Lioness

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

2 posted 2003-07-05 05:49 PM

i feel your compassion. nice work

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2003-07-05 06:00 PM

Hi welcome to Passions! What a great choice for a first post here, I look forward to seeing more of your work around here

I don't know of anything that would fix up the fourth stanza, but there again I don't really have a problem with it, I thought it was a great twist from format

Anyway, great to read this!
Skyfire - Moderator, Passions in Poetry

PS> check your email for a special greeting

It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings

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