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FireInYourEyes
New Member

since 2002-12-20

Posts 9

0 posted 2002-12-21 02:00 PM

A fire burns
inside my mind
Smoke clouds my vision
fills my eyes
As tears fall
the unbearable heat remains
Water cannot put out
this eternal flame

(i know its short and im still trying to develop it...any ideas?)

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2002-12-21 02:02 PM

Oh MY! That is short but so well written! I don't know what exactly you're writing about, or what prompted you to write it, so I'm afraid I can't really give any solid ideas, but you have a terrific start! I'll be checkin in on this! Can't wait to see it finished, if you choose to go one with it!

-othersideofthemirror

Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

2 posted 2002-12-21 02:30 PM

Welcome to Passions!! This was a great first post. I think the length suits it well. Short and sweet. Anywho, this was great, again, welcome to PIP!!

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2002-12-21 02:38 PM

yes, you should continue your thoughts here, what is the fire, or why do you burn? Try to expand it for us

and welcome to Passions.

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

4 posted 2002-12-21 09:05 PM

How about this before it...

Reality hits
like a piece of flint
sparks develop
then begin to roar

...just a suggestion

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

5 posted 2002-12-22 07:34 PM

add this to the end

"Tears only fuel
The burining pain
And everything I know
Becomes ash and dust"

another suggestion

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

6 posted 2002-12-28 04:19 PM

FireInYourEyes~
This is a wonderful first post,
and I like it just the way it is.
I'll be looking for lots more poetry from you.
Welcome to Passions.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

7 posted 2002-12-28 06:44 PM

I like it the way it is.

Sometimes I think people elaborate too much and then you forget why they were "burning" in the first place.

Welcome to Passions.

Life is where you look for it.

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

8 posted 2002-12-28 08:02 PM

...::blushes:: sorry...

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

9 posted 2002-12-28 08:08 PM

I like pyromania and neurosis so its just fine with me.

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

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