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LTEvans
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
Lenham, England

0 posted 2002-12-20 10:58 AM

Written

I am walking alone in mistakes,
I yesterday caused to be.

I find I am writing cliché,
Of pastimes that ceased to be.
Placed down below me I see,
Words that have come to me,
Words that do nothing but dwell,
Clawing the back of your eye,
Like they wish to see out as you,
To see what they say is sincere.
With your ink they copy you down,
On paper in cold broken rhyme.
Noting your life with disdain,
Versed well in shadows of pain.
You are written there almost alive,
Spoken in lies you think true.

I am falling along in lethargy,
I yesterday caused to be.

Solipsism saves us from the atavism of the Equalitarian.

LTEvans

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2002-12-20 03:34 PM

Wow, I really liked that one! I wouldn't be able to pick a favorite line. Your constructive critique message confuses me.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

2 posted 2002-12-20 03:35 PM

WOW im new here but that may be the best one ive read yet!! its well written and honest and the words arent too ordinary so they sound meaningful but your rhyme scheme lets them flow. NIICE!!

-OtherSideOfTheMirror

FireInYourEyes
New Member

since 2002-12-20

Posts 9

3 posted 2002-12-20 05:37 PM

hey-i really enjoyed the idea of this poem, the only thing is, i think there are a few improvements that could be made. for instance in the 2nd stanza, the first four lines give an impression that there will be a specific rhyme scheme, but instead, it turns out there really isn't one. so, instead of ending those lines with "be, see, me, etc." you could maybe try to re-arrange the words. also, since the title is "written", you may want to try to incorporate that in some more than you did. i really liked how you ended almost the same as you began though, that was an interesting perspective. keep writing and i look forward to reading your things.

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

4 posted 2002-12-20 10:20 PM

Great. As usual. Keep it up, pal.

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