Untitled (Suggestions Please)

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CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

0 posted 2002-12-18 04:54 PM

(I'd really like suggestions for a title)
Resting on this lazy day
Staring at the ceiling
which resembles left-out cottage cheese
The darkness diffuses with golden rays
coming through my window
The curtains blur the image of outside
Distorting the view to a haze of blue and green
I lie back on my low and broken bed
Listening to a familiar voice
The combined effect of it all
Puts me in a state of rare peace

Yes there will be tommorrow, but will you be there to greet it?

rOxXbabY391
Member

since 2002-12-14

Posts 71

1 posted 2002-12-18 04:56 PM

heyYy this was a cute poem!! i could picture the cottage cheese ceiling!! haha lol
~*~eMiLy~*~

"I don't think I can make it through one more night. 'Cause how do you answer "What's wrong?" ~ when nothing is right."

BrokenAngel
Member

since 2002-01-06

Posts 141
Puryear, TN, USA

2 posted 2002-12-18 06:53 PM

Well, I like the way it starts out, but it left me hanging, like it's unfinished. It's very well written just seems to drop off. It may be just that I have a different perception of it but thats the way it left me. Good write though.

Read my work and read my thoughts
I'll go back into the night now
---Night Angel

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

3 posted 2002-12-18 07:30 PM

I don't know what else to put...HELP!!

Yes there will be tommorrow, but will you be there to greet it?

LTEvans
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
Lenham, England

4 posted 2002-12-18 10:50 PM

Maybe you could expand on that "familiar voice". Personally though I like it as it is.

Solipsism saves us from the atavism of the Equalitarian.

LTEvans

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

5 posted 2002-12-18 11:29 PM

It seemed pretty well finished to me, maybe for a title you could call it "Rare Peace"?

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

Stinky Twinkie
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 204
Dinwiddie

6 posted 2002-12-19 10:30 AM

Cottage cheese isnt good. I like the line with the ceiling too. Rippin'

-Stinky Twinkie-

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

7 posted 2002-12-28 03:55 PM

CloudedDreams~
I really enjoyed reading this.
It's a nicely written piece.
Maybe it's just my frame of mind today,
but the only titles that jumped into my
head, had to do with the cottage cheese line..lol.
For Example, "Cottage Cheese Clouds",
or "Cottage Cheese Contentment"..lol.
I know you probably won't like either of those,
and I can't really blame you, but I thought
I'd throw them out there, just in case.
Again...much enjoyed this.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

8 posted 2002-12-28 03:57 PM

okay Vicky.... you are starting to sound like Stinky Twinky there...lol

i dunno... I am still trying to find a good title... but i apprieciate the ideas!

Yes there will be tommorrow, but will you be there to greet it?

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