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Open Poetry #22

I Watch The Flock

Zall
Member

since 2002-08-25

Posts 214
London, England

0 posted 2002-08-30 09:33 PM

I watch the flock
Transfixed by their seemingly random scurrying
Their ancestors lived here

Here to earn their bread
By following and nodding
Amusing more fortunate individuals

Their freedom is just an illusion
Although they have a means of departure
They are still incarcerated

Contained by their fear
Contented by their ignorance
This is their world

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

1 posted 2002-08-30 09:53 PM

So primal! I love it!

Love, Light & Laughter
Linda

Zall
Member

since 2002-08-25

Posts 214
London, England

2 posted 2002-08-31 07:27 AM

Thanks Linda Glad You Like It

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2002-08-31 08:22 AM

Hey Aaron...I have a thing for birds...so this was intriguing; I also like your style...

I have one suggestion, and it might seem quite radical. It concerns the last stanza, I was just wondering how you felt about it? You see, to me the last stanza seems a little unnecessary - simply because the stanza before pretty much suggests what you have spelled out in that last one. I read it again, without the last stanza, and I found that those three stanzas alone were more powerful than the four together. What are your thoughts on that?

Hey, thanks for penning a poem that got me thinking..liking that a lot

Zall
Member

since 2002-08-25

Posts 214
London, England

4 posted 2002-08-31 12:06 PM

Good point severn, It does have more impact.

This was one of those 'just get it on paper before its gone' momments I never edited it.

Aaron

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