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Midnight Buss Senryu
| Open Poetry #22 |
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Midnight Buss Senryu |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
A midnight buss delivers both of us to paradise [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-21-2002 05:22 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Essorant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
A good try, Essorant...a good try. I know you do not ask for any critique, so this is a simple suggestion... the syllables in a haiku or senryu should be five-seven-five... a change might be thus: A midnight's soft buss delivering both of us to paradise road  |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (smiles) This is wonderful, I love it, yes, follow Karilea's advice and it truly will be a perfect senryu, though it is beautiul both ways! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
I'm wondering about the two esses in buss. Is it a pun? I know buso in Spanish is kiss which could certainly carry two people to paradise. Is it Italian or French, perhaps, and also means 'kiss.' Or did the s just accidentally repeat? either way, it works as 'bus' or 'kiss.' I really like the 'feel' of the piece. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
VAS...buss, archaic word for kiss... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Even if it doesn't follow senryu form, I like that you just taught me what "buss" means! |
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