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Open Poetry #22
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Magician
Member
since 2002-08-14
Posts 126


0 posted 2002-08-21 10:30 AM


In heart confide
Between and betide
Another lonely day
Where thoughts reside
Of emotion implied
Long held in fragile sway

Letting loose the strings
Those most glorious things
Changes underway
From princes to kings
The gift-giver brings
The queen of May

Within purged clean soul
Someone else in control
Laughing as they play
Where once they stole
Now filling all the holes
With fervent pray

Only in heart confide
An all encompassing pride
Once gone astray
The righteous paths denied
And no better tricks are tried
To begin another day


(Thanks to a very welcome coffee break)

© Copyright 2002 Magician - All Rights Reserved
VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
1 posted 2002-08-21 10:49 AM


Like the form and the shape of this piece.

I'm thinking one line could have a better feel to it with just a slight adjustment, just something to consider.

The line:

"With fervent pray"

In order to keep with the rhyme scheme and with grammar constricts, perhaps:

"Fervently pray"

Try it on, keep or toss the idea and know I am hoping you don't mind me making a suggestion. I too am glad you had your coffee break and this piece is what came of it.

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
2 posted 2002-08-21 11:24 AM




(smiles) Ooohhh...this is wonderful, you always have so much to say and you express the deep parts of the heart and soul so well! (big hugggssssss) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Magician, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
3 posted 2002-08-21 11:24 AM


OMG!!  You did this on a coffee break??
Very nice rhyme scheme here...
Enjoyed the read....very much!
~Hugs~

~ Time has cast a spell on you
  So you won't ever forget me ~

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
4 posted 2002-08-21 11:28 AM


Enjoyed reading this - well done. Chris

Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2002-08-21 11:45 AM



You are most magical with this piece, good Sir...I particularly enjoy the format of this piece.  I have not seen it before, to my knowledge, but would encompass it myself, it is warm, friendly, and has a sing-song quality...

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
6 posted 2002-09-05 11:59 PM


we need to have a coffee break together, LOL
mycafe
Senior Member
since 2002-05-23
Posts 584

7 posted 2002-09-06 03:25 AM


Wow, this is a magnificent piece!

mycafe

Keep counting your blessings

Furie
Junior Member
since 2002-06-17
Posts 39
Myriad of Unkown Places
8 posted 2002-09-11 09:24 PM


Must have been some awesome coffee.
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
9 posted 2002-09-11 09:33 PM


A gentle sway of words well written.  Definately an "up for air" moment. ThisDiamond
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