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Realms of Nothing
| Open Poetry #22 |
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Realms of Nothing |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
You are gone and the solitude I feared visits me. It seeps relentlessly under the door. It oozes slowly through its hinges. It approaches slithering silently accross my bedroom's desolate floor. I hear its echoed breathing I smell its metalic breath as it closes the distance. Steel tentacles reach and coil, forcing me into its cavernous realms of nothing. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 01:45 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Radrook - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Radrook~ If I haven't welcomed you to Passions before this, I apologize~ WELCOME !  This write is just filled with imagery that made me 'feel' I was 'there'~ A pleasurable read this fine afternoon~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Radrook Well done, enjoyed the read. |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Talk about creating an atmosphere! This was superbly done! ~ Smiles to you this fine day! ~ Earth Angel |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I keep finding these wonderful poems of yours Rad, this is a great take on silence and you have used line breaks and white space which, I feel, gives it more drama. Really nice. caterina |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Rad, I enjoyed the form and feel.. but in honesty got lost on the ooze and steel.. ( chuckling) perhaps I was expecting the tentacles to be cold and slime covered..the way empty can feel after a night the words that are spoken all come out wrong and you know the things said are like the thing oozing under the door... unstoppable.. Sorry for the ramble... I did truly enjoy... and as you can tell it made me think... |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, it was an attempt at recreating the oppressive atmosphere that inevitably accompanies loneliness. Having been lonely for most of my life helps! LOL Thank you all for the encouraging words. Glad you enjoyed. Rad, I enjoyed the form and feel.. but in honesty got lost on the ooze and steel.. ( chuckling) perhaps I was expecting the tentacles to be cold and slime covered..the way empty can feel after a night the words that are spoken all come out wrong and you know the things said are like the thing oozing under the door... unstoppable.. Sorry for the ramble... I did truly enjoy... and as you can tell it made me think... Hi CPT True, the image painted at the outset is of a thing not akin to steel which cannot ooze through hinges, unless--of course--it is in a molten state. Suddenly, it sprouts steel tentacles. There SEEMS to be a clash there, a contrast between the initial amorphous image and its partially metallic one--certainly! I was aware of this when I wrote the poem and seriously considered giving the creature "slimy" tentacles as you suggest. But my purpose was not to create an atmosphere of pure horror. I felt that slimy tentacles tilted the mood in that unwanted direction. So I chose a less frightening alternative. One ore in line with the poem's purpose. Also, I realized that slimy tentacles usually do are not attached to realms of nothingness while metal tentacles could very well be attached to some cyborgish entity which can forcefully transports one to a different plane of existence. So faced with either getting rid of the oozing part and making the thing totally metallic, or making the it totally slimy and realizing that neither alone suited my purpose while both together did, I exercised poetic license this once and left it as was--a creature with the ability to shift shapes, either partially or completely. Thus it sprouted metallic tentacles. Sorry for the distraction though. Glad you brought it to my attention so I could at least provide an explanation. Thanks for feedback. BTW It is also well to keep in mind that the genre of surrealistic poetry permits much greater flexibility in imagery. So the standards which might apply to another genre might not necessarily apply to surrealistic poetry. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 02:28 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very very nicely done.... ~Hugs~ ~ Time has cast a spell on you |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Certainly this is not the forum this is usually done... but my thoughts ( by way of edit) Please ignore if they in any way upset or are deemed out of line..it is after all your creation not mine.. You are gone, and feared solitude visits me. seeping relentlessly under the door oozing slowly through hinged spaces slithering silently across my bedroom's desolate floor. I hear its echoed breathing smell its metalic breath as distance is closed to hope. reaching tentacles coil, forcing me into cavernous realms of nothing. as I feared you are gone |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Certainly this is not the forum this is usually done... but my thoughts ( by way of edit) Please ignore if they in any way upset or are deemed out of line..it is after all your creation not mine.. Hi! Not out of line at all. Neither am I upset by feedback regardless of its nature. Every person is indeed entitled to an opinion and this is yours my friend. : ) Yes, you do say almost exactly what I intened. But yet, I do not know exactly why though I do have a good idea, the dark brooding mood, the oppressiveness I wished to convey seems to have vanished or has been weakened severely by the rewrite. Of course going into extensive analyses as to why this is so is not in harmony with this particular forum's purpose and I certainly do not wish to abuse my privileges nor disrupt the forum's harmony in any way. But thanks for the feedback. It did make me think! BTW I do commend you for your efforts at striving to make the surrealistic imagery more rational. God bless! [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-02-2002 02:44 PM).] |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
ah yes opinion...like armpits we all have them... ( chuckling) I do not think we will offend anyone with such exchanges, it is just not usually done here. No strictures against it, and if Severn sees this she will be joyous to see a serious discussion take place in this forum about poetry. if the brooding mood is indeed detracted from then one could change the images and wording slightly to increase the feel as desired. I economized on words and honestly on changes not wanting to insert my own interpretation as much as perhaps ease the flow. Tone of course can be set by line length and pause as well as repeating certain phrases or images... your original poem does a great deal to set the tone using both. If you wanted to strengthen the image or word repeated I think it would work fine..and perhaps by being less concise than I was in conveying the words..in effect using the bit of 'ramble" to set the mood and indicate the brooding repeating nature of the thoughts it would achieve the desired effect. I have found that reading and writing are acts of interpretaton. What you write, I have to interpret into my own version of language. Anytime I read apoem, I often see it in terms of my own images instead of what the writer actuall wrote and have to slow myself down to comment or actually say whether it is the idea I enjoyed or the way the idea was presented. What I edited was my shortened version of what I interpretted from your poem. Never meant as a slam on an others writing or words....just the way I understand things and in part a compulsive need to restate them in a language closer to the one in my head. |
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Rocko Junior Member
since 2014-03-10
Posts 16 |
Your version is better than mine. More economical and solves the oozing vs metal problem. I also like its conclusion. |
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