A Picture Of Us In The After Of Seperation

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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2002-09-28 11:13 AM

okies..this one is looooonnggg....Another peak, people..not a pity Jenn party campaign. This one needed to be written as well as the last one. Hope this is a step in dealing with something I haven't been able to deal with properly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
we're on the floor
all the way down on knees that never bent before
and stiff pride happens at the worst moments.
we are beyond apologies for the past few years lost
for the love offered and never taken in full.
too many unattainable things linger in the distance
and between the distance
in that smallest place
is the meeting point
where our hands are supposed to come together in understanding.
but oh the when of when that will happen
escapes us for now
as we try not to admit the extent of our pain
trying to draw tolerance out of every forced conversation
feeling the tension and the regret
as it screams tangible from the line
the thread that holds our voices together
just barely.
Our memories are echos of happiness had
and sadness gained too soon.
Giving up was hardest, you know
finally standing up and saying I wasn't going with you this time
and the goodbye
damn the goodbye
the one I couldn't shed tears for until you had closed the door
because if I had looked into your imploring eyes
and wet my face with my grief
I would have stayed
crumpled beneath the guilt of wanting you to go
and would have clung to you like a lost vine
but I would have been sucking and feeding on poison
and you would have been in the clench of a vine
feeding an addiction of the wrong sort
and please
forgive me since I couldn't bear to love you that way
because you deserved so much better
than someone who was too lost in life
to know what they really wanted
was lost too long ago.
but here we are in a civil spot inside of us
because we can't bear to part with a song of bitterness and hate.
here we are
and forcing conversations and tolerance may have been
what we should have done before
but its too late.
Too many "I love you"s ago
you crushed my open heart with a wall
and since I built mine
there is a slight space in between
that we became stuck in
suffocating in impatience
and it smothered our love
choked the last breath out of our togetherness.
and I apologize
and I'm so damn sorry
that the tears won't come like they used to for this
because I've been there too many times
and can't afford to get a that kind of ticket again.
I'm thinking my final gift will be my tears
since I think you need to see them
and I think I need to cry them
and that way we can both be reassured
that I can feel
that you were loved at least once by me.
I love you
but I don't want you anymore
because what we had is stale rotten platter of "too late"
and its a sickening feeling to feel like the monster in all this
but its my way of dealing with hurting you
and my way of punishing myself for loosing my belief
for giving up too long ago
and for moving on with a determination
and a certain coldness.
I am not ice
but I am harder now
cleansed maybe
of the naive tendencies I was always accused of.
So thank you
for all the affirmations
the love
the loss
the pain
the awakening
the reality
the sadness
and the appreciation in the wake of a hard walk.
This is one of the first goodbyes in words
and the most raw so far.

"two hearts will build the foundation for one point of light
a duet done with passion"

excerpt from "I Love You"

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

1 posted 2002-09-28 11:26 AM

Jenn,
Wish I'd had poetry back then. This is really, really good. No pity party found here. Real life faced head on. Wow...intense but so good. And it wasn't too long.

(Found a typo, I think: and can't afford to get a that kind of ticket again)

Peace, love, hope and courage to you friend.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Janette

Member Elite

since 2001-07-20

Posts 2843
Chicagoland for now

2 posted 2002-09-28 11:36 AM

Goodbyes are so difficult to endure but this one needed to be said.

Excellent outpouring of your soul, dear Lady.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2002-09-28 11:54 AM

Very few poets can pour out the heart and soul for others to feel as masterfully as you, dear friend. I felt every word, every line in this. Your final picture is of strength and resolve, an almost peaceful acceptance that allows you to move forward.
Warm beating heart hugs to you.

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

4 posted 2002-09-28 12:52 PM

Jenn, hearts suffocating
in a weightless wall of old words.
I'm glad, for you,
that your heart is beating fast enough
to upset the brick's accustomed places.

"I wish an angel would fall from heaven
and join me on the floor."
-Tapping the Vein

Charged writing;
it feels like a eulogy
more than a state to remain in.
I'm glad.

Keep writin' it out.

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

5 posted 2002-09-28 01:08 PM

Temptress - I agree, you have faced life well. It's very difficult to go back in time, I believe one must forge ahead, as you have done in this write...

BC

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

6 posted 2002-09-28 02:04 PM

I had to come back to read this again, a heartfelt emote masterfullly written. Not a word too long, either.

SimplyGold
Senior Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 1453

7 posted 2002-09-28 02:31 PM

Thank you for sharing. We pay a price for love and caring. Well written, we reap the benefits of the price you paid.

SimplyGold

Auguste

Member Elite

since 2000-02-16

Posts 3953
By the sea

8 posted 2002-09-29 12:24 PM

"Giving up was hardest, you know
finally standing up and saying I wasn't going with you this time
and the goodbye
damn the goodbye
the one I couldn't shed tears for until you had closed the door
because if I had looked into your imploring eyes
and wet my face with my grief
I would have stayed"

Jennifer, guilt it a terrible thing, but please keep in mind that you released him to find a better life and you set yourself free to do the same. This is the most powerful of all the poetry of yours I've read. I guess, because it's probably the most honest. Indeed, you ARE a poet, my dear friend. You take care of YOU, okay? *hugs*

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

9 posted 2002-09-29 08:53 AM

damn...you do know know how to walk me to the jagged edges...cut my feet and let me cry huh? helen

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2002-09-29 09:27 AM

*staring off out of window*

...yeah, I know...

SimplyGold
Senior Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 1453

11 posted 2002-09-29 09:28 AM

Dear Temptress,

I was compelled to read this poem a second time, for the first time I was in a space that did not allow me to really see it.

You have described a place that I have been so long ago. A place that is so familiar that it is still painful. I think that to leave someone is often times more painful then being the one who is left. Why, because when we love, we never let go of what we love, it is just that we evolve. When this happens we deny the change and refuse to accept that which has transformed and grown and so the pain begins. You have described this so well that it brought me back. Sometimes this pain is so unforgiving that we fail to try again. As time moves on I wonder if I can because, I question whether the price is too high. I can tell you that your pain is as turbulant as you allow your passion to be and that is what makes it worth while.

Thank you for a lovely, but painful expression of the human condition.

SimplyGold

[This message has been edited by SimplyGold (09-29-2002 10:37 AM).]

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

12 posted 2002-09-29 10:18 PM

jen...this is so powerful to me...i think it needs a bump...hugs...helen

Moonlight Romeo

Senior Member

since 2001-09-10

Posts 982
The heart of you

13 posted 2002-09-30 08:27 AM

The goodbye is always when.

Thank you.

What light through yon window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

14 posted 2002-09-30 06:37 PM

(big hugggsssssss) This is very emotionally powerful, sweet friend, and I hope now that that space in-between now has made home to a whole new love free of guilt and naivity! (sigh) Your words always speak on so many volumes and you truly are blessed among us all, sweet friend, God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jennifer, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

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