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Gabriel Frost
Member

since 2002-08-15

Posts 216
Between midnight thoughts

0 posted 2002-09-26 11:44 PM

If I said I wished to meet you,
Would you say the same?
And If I said I crave you,
Would you think that I’m insane?
What If I said I missed you,
Though never were you mine,
Would you let me kiss you,
And hold you for all time?
What if I said I'm all alone,
With a burden on my chest,
Would you hold my arm and walk with me,
And bring to my heart rest?
If I said my world has crumbled,
And I’m too weak to stand,
Would you lift my spirit with your words,
And take my shaking hand?
Could you mend this broken spirit,
And tend this broken heart,
To heal this shattered confidence,
And cradle the boy inside this man?
If I said I wished you’d love me,
Would you catch this falling tear,
And promise to never hurt me,
And forever hold me dear?
What if I asked you to hold me,
And said that I'm so very cold,
Would you stroke the teardrops off my cheek,
And could you give me hope?
What if I asked you for your silence,
And said that I need to know,
If you could love me till the sunset,
Loses it’s amber glow.
Would you look me in the eye,
And say it without speaking,
That your love would be the star,
To adorn my quiet evenings?
Would the melody of your heart,
Be the peaceful moonlights song,
And would your love be the harp,
On which my joy is strung?
Then as I strum its chords,
And melt kisses on your ear,
And whisper to you my love so pure,
Would you bury every fear?
And when the stars go out,
And morn comes streaming through the leaves,
Would you remain by my side,
And your love let me keep?
Then could you write me a sonnet,
Though I haven’t called your name,
And fulfil my wish upon it,
That you feel the same....

Krishankins

Senior Member

since 2002-06-23

Posts 972
Texas

1 posted 2002-09-27 12:26 PM

Incredible write!!! Pure heartfelt emotion!

Hey dog, did you see the size of that chicken!?

Irie
Senior Member

since 1999-12-01

Posts 1493
Washington State

2 posted 2002-09-27 12:29 PM

Absolutely Beautiful!

~Sheri

"Don't wait for your ship to come in ...
Swim out to it"

Tiersdin
Member Elite

since 2000-11-17

Posts 2364
east coast

3 posted 2002-09-27 08:20 PM

Pretty...

~Tier

"I shall never bond again, as I have bonded with you..."

FuzzyFrazzledFraggle
Member

since 2002-09-20

Posts 155
Fraggle Rock

4 posted 2002-09-27 10:54 PM

*jaw drops to the ground* I'm sorry how rude of me *picks it right back up* *sigh* Shakespeare in a past life, m'dear!?

Consider yourself fuzzed

SimplyGold
Senior Member

since 2002-07-10

Posts 1453

5 posted 2002-09-27 11:20 PM

Yes, yes, and yes a hundred times.
Bravo!

SimplyGold

secretlife
Member

since 2002-07-30

Posts 359
Grean Earth ,,,

6 posted 2002-09-28 04:20 AM

What a great words.. I really loved ur written... What a kind feelings.

Hugesss

secretlife,
(Easy come,,Easy go)

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

7 posted 2002-09-29 11:01 AM

WOW my friend....what a beautiful poem here....

Lauren~

I need some distraction
...oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

8 posted 2002-09-29 11:03 AM

Gabriel - this is suberb. So many feelings, so many emotions written in words...

BC

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

9 posted 2002-09-29 11:22 AM

I'm going to take you at your word and make a few suggestions, and suggestions are all they are. This is a wonderful piece filled with strong emotions and almost impeccable flow. I'll use [ ] around words to omit and if I have any I think need to be added, I'll use { }. Take or toss whatever you, the author, prefers.


                       If I said I wished to meet you,
                       Would you say the same?
                       And If I said I crave you,
                       Would you think that I’m insane?
                       What If I said I missed you,
                       Though {you} never were [you] mine,
                       Would you let me kiss you,
                       And hold you for all time?
                       What if I said I'm all alone,
                       With a burden on my chest,
                       Would you hold my arm and walk with me,
                       And bring to my heart rest?
                       If I said my world has crumbled,
                       And I’m too weak to stand,
                       Would you lift my spirit{,} with your words,
                       And take my shaking hand?
                       Could you mend this broken spirit,
                       And tend this broken heart,
                       To heal this shattered confidence,
                       And cradle the boy inside this man?
                       If I said I wished you’d love me,
                       Would you catch this falling tear,
                       [And] promise to never hurt me,
                       [And] forever hold me dear?
                       What if I asked you to hold me,
                       And said [that] I'm so very cold,
                       Would you stroke the teardrops off my cheek,
                       And could you give me hope?
                       What if I asked you for [your] silence,
                       And said [that] I need to know,
                       If you could love me till the sunset[,]
                       Loses it’s amber glow.
                       Would you look me in the eye,
                       And say [it] without speaking,
                       That your love would be the star,
                       To adorn my quiet evenings?
                       Would the melody of your heart[,]
                       Be the peaceful moonligh{'}ts song,
                       And would your love be the harp[,]
                       On which my joy is strung?
                       Then as I strum its chords[,]
                       And melt kisses on your ear,
                       [And] whisper to you my love so pure,
                       Would you bury every fear?
                       And when the stars go out[,]
                       And morn comes streaming through the leaves,
                       Would you remain by my side[,]
                       And [your] love let me keep {your love}?(I know this doesn't rhyme, but I think it would be more acceptable than a forced rhyme.)
                       Then could you write me a sonnet,
                       Though I haven’t called your name,
                       And fulfil{l} my wish upon it,
                       That you feel the same....

Again, an absolutely lovely poem of hope and dreams, filled with so much heart. I do hope you accept that the only reason I took the time and dared to critique so closely is because it is a wonderful piece! And, of course, acknowledging that you are the author and the final edit is all importantly yours.I just had to come back and add that it is quite exemplary that you had such a long rhyming piece and only one forced rhyme in the lot of it. Superb!

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

[This message has been edited by VAS (09-29-2002 11:25 AM).]

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

10 posted 2002-09-29 01:05 PM

Congratulate yourself for me on a fine piece of writing! I noticed that VAS wrote a few suggestions---that really is a compliment that she cared enough to take the time. She's brilliant at critiques---and in her own writing.

I truly enjoyed reading your words! Ah, yes, truly I did!

EA

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