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Rust in a Land of Silver
| Open Poetry #22 |
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Rust in a Land of Silver |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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Rust in a Land of Silver ©2002 C.G. Ward was searching for an answer somewhere between ache, and the examination of laughter as it rang in the glance of a mime. clutching to nests of copper wires like madmen chasing fleas, I dug through the grip of these lies only to find sand, quickened to silence beneath our thunder. you thirsted, and I blinked at the suggestion that gods are weak, while the stone surrounding a broken rose is steep enough to mock the apathy I smelled in your stare. when time leaked darkness, you smiled, quoting a dead man and singing out the belief that life, is waking at two a.m. to feel my breath inside your ear. so I shrugged the shame to silence, whispering that tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual. they are now, and I am rust in a land of silver. Revised version of an older poem (translation: i took the cool lines and let the rest rot!)  [This message has been edited by Christopher (09-22-2002 01:06 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I believe you are closer to burnished gold than rust. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
funny...there's a LOT of fantastic lines in this? but my fave is? "I took the cool lines and let the rest rot!" But altogether...forgive me my continuing ignorance...but the repetition suggests to me a form---not a bad a thing--I thought it effective...and the rust, in silver, in place of tarnish? A fabulous metaphor as it suggests that the actual "silver" of the metaphor not "sterling" but um...a sad rendition of reality. C? Sometimes I wish we could marry our verse---may I explain? (Methinks I should...grin) But...it's just that you have this intellectual capacity of description, and I am very much the emotive writer--somewhere between is what I strive for. I liked this alot: "clutching to nests of copper wires like madmen chasing fleas," has suggestions to me of evolutionary man, both looking for himself and losing himself in progressive technology. and here? "I blinked at the suggestion that gods are weak" loved the visual here of disbelief...and implied shock, imply first lost of faith--as though it had not ever occurred before...lovely but...one persnickety thang? "when time leaked darkness" The line itself is good, but does not match the strength of the poem. You can find something better here---I KNOW you can. and this: "life, is waking at two a.m. to feeling my breath inside your ear" Is simple truth and beautiful--and a touchstone for the reader....very, very nice This last stanza? is so YOU, wrapping a present prettily...and it is indeed perfect: so I shrugged the shame to silence, whispering that tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual. they are now, and I am rust in a land of silver. Rust in a land of silver. A beauty Christopher. I'll shaddup now. But yes. Now you know. I DO read your work. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
you thirsted, and I blinked at the suggestion that gods are weak, while the stone surrounding a broken rose is steep enough to mock the apathy I smelled in your stare. Last three verses, held my attention completely. (Not a small accomplishmnet...lol) Realization sucks sometimes. the apathy I smelled in your stare Damn! That line...made me remember, that look. Wish I could say thanks for that...lol. I like it, C. |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
my two favorite lines? "clutching to nests of copper wires like madmen chasing fleas" ... this one. god! IWIHWT! i think this is one of your best images. tres cool, rock. "the stone surrounding a broken rose" classic c, almost clichedly lovely and forlorn... like a disney movie made in hell. heh. (and how many disney movies do you own? come on now, fess up... its good stuff sometimes, dammit (bad llama)) a few suggestions: "as it rang in the glance of a mime." expand on this... the singular 'glance' isn't as strong as it could be... elaborate. i know this was made by cutting corners lol, im just suggesting you sharpen the edges.  the only thing i dont like? "to mock the apathy I smelled in your stare" i know it was meant to be clever, but the mixed senses just do not work... i really like this rendition, even if you did sacrifice some fabulous ideas in the tightening (really missed: "so I thirsted, but blood stains the throat" ahh well). AND, i must say, i think my favorite part is how you took that witchin' end line from the first and used it to replace the old gag-worthy title.  thanks for the read. love to the wife. op. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
um...pardon me for this brief interruption? but EC, e me? (cocking my head sideways) that could very well be a scientific break-through...sigh, c'mon MEG? |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
will do! ~salutes~ |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Your phrasing is always so unique and visual Chris. It's always a pleasure for me to read your work. You never cease to make this mind of mine ponder. Thank you for the delightful read, very much enjoyed. Best wishes, /Kit |
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Gabriel Frost Member
since 2002-08-15
Posts 216Between midnight thoughts |
Thanks for the read man, this is some really cool stuff! |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
very well done! unique wording and ideas, loved this one very much |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hiyas. Meant to get to this earlier but haven’t had time + energy all at once. I’m sure you’ve just been salivating for my reply (don’t say it). was searching for an answer somewhere between ache, and the examination of laughter This may be the traditionalist in me, but I cringed on the very first word. I know it has been your wont of late to dispense with such frivolities as capitalization (which is fine), but “was” as a first step reminded me of something out of a bad country song. Perhaps adding the implied “I” or dropping the “was” altogether…? as it rang in the glance of a mime **best confused puppy expression, head cocked to the side** “Urhh…?” clutching to nests of copper wires like madmen chasing fleas, I dug through the grip of these lies only to find sand, quickened to silence beneath our thunder. I admit I’m not really sure where you’re going here; maybe it was a “had to be there” thing. Still, the lines are interesting enough to draw me down. Might I suggest, for efficiency’s sake: “I dug through the grip of lies to find only sand,” The above assumes that the emphasis is on the “only” in the second line rather than the entire “only to find” (ie I turned, only to find you gone, etc). you thirsted, and I blinked at the suggestion that gods are weak, while the stone surrounding a broken rose is steep enough to mock the apathy I smelled in your stare. If I am reading this correctly, and the thirst mentioned is an intellectual one, it merited more attention. Why did “you” thirst? While blinking implies surprise or confusion, a verb as strong as thirst begs to be expounded. “Surrounding” is very clinical diction. Did the stone cradle the rose? Threaten it? ..and what, praytell, is the smell of apathy? Shame on you. If you intended this to be powerful juxtaposed with that poor, lonely thirst that you left out there flapping, it was badly done. when time leaked darkness, you smiled, quoting a dead man and singing out the belief that life, is waking at two a.m. to feel my breath inside your ear. I think a comma is a somewhat weak pause after “smiled,” but I know how you love your commas … The comma after “life” is unnecessary. Not that there’s anything strictly wrong with it, but “inside” rubbed me wrong here. You might use “against” if you want to preserve the rhythm, or you might trim it down to “to my breath in your ear.” Dunno, “inside” gave me this creepy vision of you trapped inside someone’s head (ok, it’s late). so I shrugged the shame to silence, whispering that tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual. they are now, and I am rust in a land of silver. Not really clear on whose shame we’re talking about here, but maybe it doesn’t matter. Coming away from this I can’t help but feel that I missed something along the way. Perhaps this is just one of those deeply personal things. Next time I’ll just tell you I think it’s “deep,” k? [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (09-22-2002 03:54 AM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I think everyone covered the crit. part. So I will just give this one my mere praise. The ending especially gets my thumbs up, some really great images. "so I shrugged the shame to silence, whispering that tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual. they are now, and I am rust in a land of silver." Too early for the rainbow, too early for the dove These are the final days, this is the darkness, this is the flood |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I'd like to see the leftover rot, just for the heck of it... sometimes one man's rot... is another poet's pleasure... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Don't ask me why, Chris, but I thought of two lovers reading Joyce and Donne to each other in a mountain shack overlooking the sea. That might have nothing to do with what you were after -- but to get those images in my head ... I love this poem. |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
quoting a dead man and singing out the belief that life, is waking at two a.m. to feel my breath inside your ear. Wow, Christopher. Heavy thoughts for a young man. Corinne |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You should definitely write more poetry, Chris. Excellent piece! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Midnitesun - I don't know whether to blush or laugh. Thank you. KAREN-ALL-CAPS - ROFL - Only you lady, only you. As to marrying our verse... well, i'm already taken (ahem, and so are you *grin*) so we'll just have to have another affair. Thanks for the appreciation of what was my favorite line as well... your take on it, while perfectly valid, is a bit different from my intent. (which is absilutely ok, mind you.) My intent was to suggest the wires (copper, one because of the "metal" theme, and two, because of the way it turns a sickly green with time and lack of care) are suggestive of all the tangles created by lies (another take on "deadly webs we weave), like madmen, indicative of them chasing these lies looking for the truth within. (also a funny - to myself - possible mix up on the idea of a flea circus... so, madmen chasing for the perfect fleas which can fly and do acrobatic tricks... not knowning that all the "flea circuses" really have no fleas in them...) time leaked darkness... hmmm. i really liked that line, lol, but i'll look at it. thank you for your honest op... i never doubted you read my poems dear. Hugs. D-Mon - You are the confirmation i needed on the particular line you pulled out... i told someone the other day that it might just be an understandable analogy only to those who have "ben there, done that." to me, it sums up a lot... to you as well... lol, wish i could say welcome. thanks sir. OP - I havent' looked, but probably half a dozen or so... lol, Disney movies rock. i will play around with it a bit and see if i can "tighten it up," though with the way Linda slammed me *grin* i may be better off setting it afire and sending it on a raft out into the ocean as an effigy to bad poetry. Thanks you for the time and comments and the IWIHWT. Kit - if i do nothing else, if a poem makes someone think, then it hasn't been a wasted effort. hugs and thanks kind lady. Gabriel Frost - Cool, and hard. *smile* Thanks for your time. passing shadows - unique is positive. thank you for your appreciation. brian - Thank you - i felt the ending worked very well too. Peace Kari - The original (much worse than this one, lol) is in CA: /pip/Forum28/HTML/000108.html if you really want to read it... lol, it actually makes this one look cool, i think. *snort* Thanks for your time lady. Mikey - Unlike some others, i think that though my job is to open the path for you, where it takes you has as much to do with you as with me. if it goes far from my intent, there's nothing wrong with that. add to it my normal vagueness, and it could be argued that there is no other way it can be. Thank you. Cor - And you're how old? ROFL. I understand though, thank you kind lady. Denise - Hey lovely. Good to see you here commenting on my 'work.' Thank you! Evil Linda - Honest truth - i sat in my chair and was laughing out loud as i read your demolition. You seem to have a steady knack for finding the pieces i throw together and throw out (you know how it is here, lol) and butchering them!!! I should go visit a psychic so i can learn when you're going to be around so as to save these ten-second blurts for when you won't be. To the grisly aftermath: on the first, i disagree... and likely because i'm not a traditionalist. i think that since the implication is there, it forces the reader to view it from a more personal perspective than they might if i were to use the operative pronoun. dropping the "searching" would also maintain the implication, but would possibly change the perspective a bit, showing it more in present tense than in past. this is a progression, and that might interrupt. laughter in the glance of a mime - first, i've already heard about the various evils of mimes... lol, good puppy. uhm - mimes don't speak, i think that's a fair given. (at least not within the act of being a mime). therefore, the expression of laughter must come in a noiseless manner, a glance works well, as i didn't want to use 'eyes' here because it would have sounded too cliche in my ears. (eyes of a mime... either cliche, or someone might mistake it for a book by Stephen King...) anyway, the suggestion of this line is teh "author" trying to determine what the other means by the laughter in their eyes... while they don't say anything - indicative of someone who isn't open with their emotions. explained the bulk of your next query above in my response to karen... you didn't have to be there, you just had to think about it. i do, however, like your suggestion. i had a problem with that line, and settled on the final only because i couldn't get it to work otherwise. i think what you wrote works very well, thanks.the next portion, i understand, agree with, and will work on. we'll see how it turns out. the smell of apathy... sigh. guess you DO have to be there to see that one. perhaps i can modify it a bit to be as powerful (as it was to me) but more understandable to everyone as a whole. *sniff* bad dog... LOL actually, the comma after "smiled" was supposed to be a semi-colon, and... well... hmm... maybe a hyphen, i WANT a pause after life, as in one of consideration or for dramatic affect. inside - out... i didn't see it before, but with your lovely little descriptive, now i can't read it any other way... gee, thanks for the star trek flashbacks... no, it doesnt' necessarily matter... there's a point to being intentionally vague... that most non-traditionalist have no problem with *huff* lol. the shame is implied to be his, in response to the juxtaposed emotions, things he cannot collect into a coherent image... therefore, he feels somewhat less thoguh it's not his fault... a lot implied i suppose, but i'm already writing a book and don't wnat this to be one as well. and no, dear, never just deep - then you're just mocking me without the added fun of your clever jabs. lol - i have always enjoyed the brutal honesty of your critiques. hugs, C |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
in light of the help above, i've done a little modification, and opened it up for more critiquing in CA. Thanks all Chris /pip/Forum28/HTML/000248.html |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
was searching for an answer somewhere between ache, and the examination of laughter as it rang in the glance of a mime. How I have been right here, in this place, of searching and ache, with some laughter....though I never really placed examination on the laughter, I know it was and has been there.....somewhere....glancing over my shoulders.....you really do have an amazing way to reveal your words....we are the lucky ones.... with much laughter...life is great....be well youLauren~ I need some distraction |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
thank you pretty lady. always a treat (gag, i can't believe i just said that!) to have you visit me and leave behind a few words. [This message has been edited by Christopher (09-26-2002 12:55 AM).] |
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