»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #22
»
Summer Cusp Fall
| Open Poetry #22 |
|
Summer Cusp Fall |
|
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
|
Summer Cusp Fall …it’s here now, that cool feel, and moisture… moisture is back in the air, arid is temporarily halted, hope seems a bit revived and summer starts to wave farewell… she is dawning a last look around the place as she says to fall, ...take care, and color me well these last few days of warm... summer smiles and the mourning dove’s sound is a deeper trill, wafting damply across the grass the crickets seem eager, yet, not as raucous but more in number, singing into the early morning and see the squirrels… it is time to prepare time to prepare time… and woman stands in bare feet, as rolling clouds loom overhead with the welcome gray of rain now melting into her arms as if to say there is still time for growth … the empty last few days left that bitter old well taste and she would rid of herself those rusty old feelings for she would dig again, a little deeper and screw in a new brass hinge and throw down a new rope with a new bucket attached just to see… if her soul survived the drought. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (09-14-2002 08:37 AM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
*Shaking my head and smiling at you* What an amazing writer you are... You have penned my thoughts exactly, as I too feel the coolness in the mornings.. a crispness in the air... One day, I wish to be able to write as well as you. ~Morning hugs~ |
||
|
Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Sunshine, Excellent write, a keeper.  |
||
|
NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
My dear, this is one outstanding piece of writing. The imagery paints a picture and captures a moment that flees all too quickly. I love these lines: '...and woman stands in bare feet, as rolling clouds loom overhead with the welcome gray of rain now melting into her arms as if to say there is still time for growth...' You are a truly brilliant writer. Hugs, Marti Every now and then take a good look at something not made |
||
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Karilea A lovely summer into fall feeling in the beginning...and then the end, well, it just blew me away. You did really, really good with this one! Loved it! |
||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
oooh, I like this so well, the way the words weave the changeing of the seasons and the format you used as well. Enjoyed greatly! Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
||
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Aw Mannnn.... I have been sitting here posting for the past hour and just now have read this.... What have I missed? Wow. I do love the feel of this...You have written this feel extremely well (no pun here).. Mayhaps the water shall taste better now.. Me thinks it will... |
||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 BRAVO!!! Oh Karilea, this is wonderful, it is saddening to hear of the drought, Colorado was really bad all summer but just yesterday we got some rain and part of Denver even got flooded which is not common! (sigh) I summon the rainmaker to Kansas, sweet friend, this is wonderful, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karilea, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
|
TradingSpaces19 Member
since 2002-08-31
Posts 134Arvada, Colorado |
Great poem thanx for sharing Andrea |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
She will survive the drought, and write of brighter days of Spring and magical things. Oh did this is twist and turn, and come to a dead halt. Excellent piece of work dear friend. |
||
|
Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Oh Karilea, this is beyond masterpiece. It's a keeper, you're wonderful you know that? Take care, Melissa~ "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
||
|
brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Karilea, Beautifully written, wonderful images. Your winters sound like an Irish Summer, here we are tired of the "gray of rain" lol. Too early for the rainbow, too early for the dove These are the final days, this is the darkness, this is the flood |
||
|
Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Life has a way of wearing on us but sometimes a new beginning is all that it takes to find the refresh of quenching breath deep within the reaches of our soul. Beautifully written ... and as many great ones as you have, this is one of your best that I have seen. Loved it |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Okies I'm awake now mama-K (even if it is tomorrow), so here I am to ramble out my opinions. You have some excellent work here methinks. I can see how your line spacings and line breaks are set up to echo the physical flows within the images. Mostly that works. I think that in order to enhance your effect you might want to reassess your punctuation in places; some of it's a little overburdening. (I'm cautious when talking about punctuation however as I've become quite reductionist where it's concerned and don't use it much at all these days (when I write that is). Anyway, I'll go through this line by line. First line: ...it’s here now, that cool feel, Well you have an ellipses, an apostrophe and two commas in here. That's an awful lot for a first line. May I ask what effect you were trying to achieve by the ellipses? I read it as an interruption, a punctuated substitution for 'and.' Honestly, I would take it out, just start with It's. It's already has an apostrophe as I noted above - I think it's important to be aware of every piece of punctuation whether they're part of the word or not. I think that because it affects the clarity of a piece. I don't mean clarity in terms of content, not what the poem is saying. This is a poem of shape, flow - physical presence. I don't know if you print your poems out but I suggest printing this out on an A4 page. Have a look how it takes up the space, look at the white and the black together (or whatever colour ink you use lol). The shape of a line on the page is essential - and formed by everything in that line. The space at the start and finish, the space between words, the punctuation, the font. Everything. All of this will affect how your poem is read by an audience, it will affect how you read it aloud to yourself or others..blah blah, sorry ranting again. and moisture... moisture is back in the air, arid is temporarily halted, hope seems a bit revived and summer starts to wave farewell... Hm. Not sure about the repetition of moisture. I'd think about cutting out 'and moisture...' The repetition of the ellipses is definitely not great. I have concerns about this section, in that it is a little passive. The language in places is weak. Now, I'm fairly certain you've gone for a casual tone here, but I'm not sure it's worked too well. These words and phrases contribute to a passive tone, as opposed to a casual one: 'is back' 'arid is' 'starts to' 'a bit'. Most of these are in the passive voice. One of my greatest bugs in writing is the tendency to say that things have started or begun. Examples from prose. 'He started to run' 'He began to run' 'It began to rain' etc Now, someone is either running or they aren't. It's either raining or it isn't. Even when there are a few patters of rain on the ground it is still raining. In modern writing the concept of the beginning of a thing has been mistakenly carried over to convey the actual action of a thing. So, once your summer is waving farewell - actively engaged in actual waving - you're still saying it's only starting to. You see what I mean? It's very passive, and removes any immediacy of the action. I suggest removing the 'starts to' in that case. I would also remove the 'back' and change the word order of 'arid is temporarily halted' - it's just plain clumsy. I like the hope revived line without the 'a bit'. she is dawning a last look around the place as she says to fall, ...take care, and color me well these last few days of warm... this part's good as far as the writing and all (cept I'm still bugged over the ellipses, but right now that's personal preference and nothing to do with space and repetitions etc lol). However, I have a question to put to you concerning extended metaphor. The idea of the seasons waving farewell to each other, of night waving hello to day etc have been done to death. The age old debate on cliche sigh. It is impossible to avoid cliche, truly it is - nothing is original anymore that's for sure. However, we can minimise. So, I was wondering what you thought about removing the idea of summer communicating with fall. Maybe just keep summer in the poem as a season on her own? summer smiles and the mourning dove’s sound is a deeper trill, wafting damply across the grass the crickets seem eager, yet, not as raucous but more in number, singing into the early morning I'd suggest removing 'damply' here. We, as poets, have to weigh up what we tell the reader and what we show. You have nullified any other impression of how the dove's sound might waft across the grass for the reader. That's it - it's damp. Fullstop, period. Also, adverbs (ly words) are often unnecessary anyway, though many people disagree with that. If you take a couple of pages of a well written book and compare them to a page or two of a not-so-good book, I guarantee the better written one won't contain so many ly words. The lack of them just makes for tighter writing. Same goes for poetry in my opinion. Then again, that might just be personal preference. as to the mourning dove. summer smiles and the mourning dove’s sound is a deeper trill, wafting damply across the grass sound is a - this reads like it's shoved in between the imagery. You could do many things with this line: summer smiles and the mourning dove's sound trills, wafting across the grass. summer smiles, the mourning dove trills, grass-wafting the mourning dove's sound is a trill wafting deep across the grass the possibilities are endless (I don't really like any of the above cept the first one, but that gives out ideas anyway), but I would remove the 'sound is a.' and see the squirrels... it is time to prepare time to prepare time... and woman stands in bare feet, as rolling clouds loom overhead with the welcome gray of rain ack, more ellipses. Why do you have 'time' there, standing on it's own? I like the repetition of time to prepare. I certainly don't think you need to throw in another 'time' though...that's just overstating your case. Now these lines: and woman stands in bare feet, as rolling clouds loom overhead with the welcome gray of rain are the best in the poem, they rock, they just rock. Why? They are unpretentious, strong, well spaced - unburdened by punctuation and highly evocative. The fact you have said 'woman' as opposed to 'a woman' is quite masterful I think. This is the point where your poem really takes off and starts to get nice and strong. In order to keep those lines like iron I would omit this part entirely: now melting into her arms as if to say there is still time for growth ... Hm, there we have another ellipses standing all by it's lonesome. Blah. Lol...it's just an interference I think. Now these: the empty last few days left that bitter old well taste and she would rid of herself those rusty old feelings for she would dig again, a little deeper and screw in a new brass hinge and throw down a new rope with a new bucket attached just to see… Excellent Kari. No faults there (minus the ellipses that is). but but but - if her soul survived the drought. I'd just leave out these lines. Mainly because 'soul' is an overused concept in poetry: wiffly waffly. (Sheltering from the uproar - no one likes to hear that, let alone believe it. It's true though.) Also, you're overstating yourself again. The stanzas above convey that image on their own, without any need to actually state it. If you did omit those last lines you'd have to rework the second stanza though, which is obvious. You have 9 ellipses in total btw. ~grin~ Ok, that's it...I do hope this helps - it's cool reading your freeverse lady (oh, and better yet being invited to demolish it heh heh heh)... (omg did I just do an ellipses???  ) K ps - my browser doesn't refresh so I can see my replies lately, so if the format of your poem-quotes were ruined in here, sorry - I won't be able to see to edit. Grrrrr. |
||
|
WhileIWasGone Member
since 2002-07-18
Posts 486 |
Beautiful.... Enjoyed DeaDiAmore |
||
|
Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Karilea - This poem to me is simply beautiful and a pleasure to read and read again. Thankyou for this. Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
||
|
CSKpoet Senior Member
since 2002-07-12
Posts 845Island in Paradise |
Yes this is a real special keeper and thanks for your most excellent words! hugs, Cher |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
