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Open Poetry #22
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Pray for me Tonight
| Open Poetry #22 |
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Pray for me Tonight |
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JediRaver Junior Member
since 2002-08-16
Posts 23ATL, GA, USA |
Pray for me for tonight I sleep with angry supernovas and the coldness of distant galaxies I ponder my thoughts The mattress of my bed It's not soft but rather sandpaper...so I sleep on a desert dune...and the sheets blow as the desert winds frigid shreeks of air like little knives upon the softness of my unprotected skin so I yearn for the essence of your perfect precious presence... but the nights that I can't be with you I sleep with Solitude She keeps me drowning in my thoughts and fears as if its her gift that I can never repay ...haunting my fragile psyche...echoing in time... Pray for me for when the sunlight washes away and I can't hold you close sharing adventures together in the realm of the subconscious because when you are in my arms in sleep...we dream upon the petals of roses and the balmy breezes of ocean winds... whisper bottled messages to us brought from the strata of afar And when your not with me sleeping... hearts beating simultaneously I have to wait for another chance to hold you in the night... but until that time comes I return again to that desert floor...alone with Solitude because its for you I yearn... your touch becomes the water that I crave for more and more -JediRaver |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ryan Flanagan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jedi, although I believe everyone should know at least once in their lifetime what it is to sleep alone, never have I read a poem where Solitude was so personalized... so I am glad yours was among the first that I found... Well done! |
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Gabriel Frost Member
since 2002-08-15
Posts 216Between midnight thoughts |
WOW.. well written. Man, u have noo idea how well i can relate to this poem.  |
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Tiersdin Member Elite
since 2000-11-17
Posts 2364east coast |
Nicely done... enjoyed! ~Tier "I shall never bond again, as I have bonded with you..." |
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catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
I have been lving in this lonely space for a long time. Well portrayed. Sandra |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big huggssssss) Oh Ryan, this is excellent, I love it, I know this desire ever son well for I too yearn to be touched by my sweetheart Joanna and meet her happily for the first time! (sigh) This is fabulous, sweet friend, I wish you the greatest joy, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Ryan, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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alterego Member
since 2002-02-23
Posts 113Toronto, Ontario, Canada |
Very well written. Good strong imagery. For those of us who actually sleep better not hearing the breathing and snorting and snoring of others, and who like to be cool at night, what you describe is a blessing. Suggest you get a big teddy bear, roll it into an electric blanket for a while, and hold it close while you go to sleep.  ss Create something infinite today - Smile!!! |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
There is such a huge difference from being lonely and being alone, and and you have certainly put the true menaing to the first one. I loved this, and hope you put a link to it into the workshop as an example of a great free style poem. The most valuable thing you own is a smile, wear it, and share it. |
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Kunoichi Junior Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 10US of A |
Jedi, I really enjoyed this piece. Great imagery was used and emotion was raw and visible. I love the lines with, "I sleep with angry supernovas and the coldness of distant galaxies." It really portrays the rawness of being alone. I think that a few lines could be changed. For instance: quote: I think it would flow better like this: quote: That's my opinion. It doesn't have to be verbatim, but it's the restructuring to make those lines a complete thought rather than detached unless you were going for that specific effect. I enjoyed the line about Solitude making you drown in your thoughts and fears as if its her gift that you can never repay. Almost as though she is giving you what you believe is not concerning the one you are longing for. Nice touch there, Jedi. Here: quote: Take out the periods after ocean winds. Makes a detachment from whisper as a verb. That's all I can really think to critique. I love the poem as a whole. Your emotion is vivid as well as your imagery. My favorite part was relating your mattress to a desert. Awesome touch, Jedi. Eager to see more. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Welcome to Passions! Very very nicely presented and expressed. Definitely a poet in your soul! |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Jedi You sweept me away in the feeling of this space...with imagery and emotion. Well done! |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Welcome to Passions, JediRaver. I enjoyed the flow and rhythm as well as the imagery. (I thought I felt sand on my legs for a moment!) |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
Welcome, JediRaver. Wonderful first post! All writing comes |
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