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Open Poetry #21

diseased love

juanrodriguez
Member

since 2001-04-17

Posts 66
ontario canada

0 posted 2002-07-26 12:42 PM

so in love with a mother
a mother of my child
a feeling that cant go to no other
but gathers its force

enormous ideals were destroyed
in the proses of separation
without contemplation of sorrow
nor a crying shoulder to borrow
i was left

life went on without a goal
nor a principal
dough its needfull to stand tall
for survival
i often stumble and fall
since u stoped to call
up on me that is all
now it seems a feeling gone be diseace
as well as its carrier
one needs a barriel
the other just needs peace

LOVE IS HARD TO FIND ....BUT WHEN U DO ITS HARD TO DEFINE JUAN PABLO

ecrivan
Member Elite

since 2001-12-10

Posts 3923
my own state

1 posted 2002-07-27 11:08 AM

Hello Juan,

There's lots of good potential in this poem..the subject matter is good but the syntax could be better and some words replaced or corrected like your use of principal, what do you mean?
a "feeling gone be diseace"...do you mean a "feeling that is diseased"or a "feeling lost because of disease"?
"one needs a burial" or "one needs a barrel"?
Constructive criticism is meant here..welcome to passions!

[This message has been edited by ecrivan (07-27-2002 11:09 AM).]

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

2 posted 2002-07-27 11:20 AM

juanrodriguez
What ecrivan says is true yet I find it a good write.

Samantha G Kennedy
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 131
Kent England

3 posted 2002-07-27 01:51 PM

touching piece, emotionally charged...this stretched and reached me

a great ending to a wonderful read

Brava

Sammie

^i^

juanrodriguez
Member

since 2001-04-17

Posts 66
ontario canada

4 posted 2002-08-05 11:30 AM

thank u guys for ur coments but ...truth to tha matter is that i just write whats in my heart not in my head ...and as i know the heart cant spell...

but still thanks

LOVE IS HARD TO FIND ....BUT WHEN U DO ITS HARD TO DEFINE JUAN PABLO

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