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A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #20 |
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- Pedestal - |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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Pedestal I remember the sickening smell of his cigarette and the way he would pace up and down the hall, down and up and back again, over and over like caged tiger in tease of prey as my eyes succumb to tears, uncontrollable so that I could not see clearly for hours. I couldn't get him to love me, I tried, I failed trying. It was easy to cry, all too common, though it was hard to try and hide the ache from her. She was smiling. She always smiled when she came home from work, I could be sure of that. For a moment, her smile made me feel secure, but, I just cried as usual with the quivering of lip. I think that it hurt her more than it hurt me. She hid her tears...for me and swallowed the bitter pill of my sorrow and confusion, as well as her own. She had to be strong, she was my pedestal. Some people say that I'm the most critical person they know. It's my defense mechanism. I'm probably more critical of myself. I'm afraid of disappointment and rejection, but, mostly, I'm afraid to fail trying. I never understood how he could look at a child and wife with such hate in his eyes, but, thus is life and you accept it. What else could a child do? I sometimes attract those who take advantage of me. I have the disease to please. Maybe my father was right, I am nothing, an it. He used to say that often through his rages of fist and scream. Maybe I'll learn that I'm just stupid, not capable of anything. That would kill my mom. That would kill me. So, I just don't try anymore, trying can lead to failure. I now help others succeed. I am a platform on when they stand to grind in the dirt from their shoes. Their happiness is my illusion. Being a pedestal means that I am wanted, needed. My heart is dispensable, I've always known that. If I pretend that I am strong, unbreakable, made of stone, perhaps no one would ever find fault. Imperfection is not a luxury when searching for the someday when he will love me and make up for all that has gone wrong. I know that I must achieve the impossible to erase all the mistakes that my mom has made. He dissapointed her, dragged her love across his black soul, so I must never be a dissapointment. I must be the perfect daughter and live through the unborn children that she desperately wanted, but, couldn't... because of him. I am her pedestal, a stepping stone of strong wearing the grin of lies. But, how does a crippled bird learn to fly again? It used to be so easy, as a child, I'd fall then pick myself up again, unscathed. But, now I fall harder and harder, and, it's difficult to dust myself off without a scar. Who do I have to believe in? Me? I don't let others see me fail, they need me, I need them to need me. If I lift them up to love themselves, maybe, I'll feel better about myself. I used to think that if I pleased everyone then I would feel secure. But, I'm not happy, I never have been. By Melissa P. Monette [This message has been edited by Melissa Honeybee (04-20-2002 12:17 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
What a powerful purge here...this is so intense, I can't help but think that it's not a matter of poetic liscence. I think you should try your hand at prose, if you haven't already. I guess I'm just telling you that because it's what I do. (smile?) I figure if I can write it all down and put it in a notebook, then maybe I can finally put it away. This was a heartbreaker. Hugs. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Melissa, Well now...that is an intense past! And for the present...we change the world and ourselves one person, one day at a time. And just for your information...I believe in you and you're not a platform for me. Peace.  P.S. It's never too late to have a good childhood! Woohoo! |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
Dear Melissa As I read this my thoughts crossed to my husbands past life much the same as yours and he too cannot allow himself to fail at anything, he is so tough on himself that it makes life tough for others. Melissa I hope you can find it in yourself to let go of that past and try to move on for it may totally consume you, I think you can especially with the help of your poetry, venting your feelings in in this way is healthy and helpful. ~HUGS~ Tracie Love is the life of the soul... |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Put yourself on a pedestal Melis...you deserve one...for being stronger than they know...for being better than some ever give you credit for...for learing to rise above the pain and not letting it chain you...for letting go of someone elses shame...they were never you sins, never take the blame for them...dont carry the burden of whats not yours. You once said to me...you are waiting for your wings...they are already there...waiting for you to learn to trust yourself to try fly. Your pen is a key...and your poetry the voice that will make them hear you. Be as hard on those who doubt you as you are yourself ... then give yourself a break...youre a butterfly in waiting. The sky is yours when youre ready to take it. heart-hugs sweetie  how about how good it feels to finally forgive you |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
"I don't let others see me fail, they need me, I need them to need me. If I lift them up to love themselves, maybe, I'll feel better about myself. I used to think that if I pleased everyone then I would feel secure. But, I'm not happy, I never have been."  (big hugggsssssss) Oh Melissa, this is sooooo heartbreaking, sweet friend, I know how you feel, for I am going through this kind of situation too and I feel what's the point in wasting my words if there is not a pair of ears to hear them? (sigh) My heart goes out to you, sweet friend, yes, you are a true butterfly and soon you will be free among the meadow of life and your love will shine everywhere you go! (kiss on cheek) We all love you so much, sweet friend, my thoughts are with you always! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Melissa, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Chelsea~ Member
since 2001-02-09
Posts 260Ontario, CANADA |
missy, I'll be honest with you, I read this earlier today, yet, did not know how to reply. You know that I know, and sometimes words just aren't enough. This poem is power, and in it, you will move on. And, you know where I am whenever you need me  |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
I'm the type of person who never wants pity, so, I often hesitate when I post personal poems in fear that I am being perhaps too revealing or dramatic. But, in this case this had to be written and I thank you all for your support, guidance, honesty and friendship. It's much appreciated and does help me. Thank you "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
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