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Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

0 posted 2002-06-09 10:44 AM

Quiet becomes the dark of night
upon the break of dawn.
As birds will sing in delight
and meadows shade the fawn.

A flower gold floods the hue
of petals hanging free.
When whispering words of you
did take the voice of me.

I gave my heart’s soul away
among the forest brown.
I left my love there to stay
A tear was shed in frown.

The tender soft of the touch
and gleaming of the eyes.
A warmth of feel in the much,
a linger of the sighs.

As rain does dampen the floor
where dreams come to be,
this heart awaits at love’s door,
till knocking comes to me.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2002-06-09 10:46 AM

Ah Magnus...I'm liking this, but I think it needs some conceptual work. Put it away for a bit, come back to it, I think you will see what I mean. You've got a Keeper here, in slight need of a little tweak, here and there...

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

2 posted 2002-06-09 10:50 AM

Feel free to undo the puzzle in my mind...

Thanx Sun...

I have the feeling that I have the cart before the
horse....

[This message has been edited by Magnus (06-09-2002 10:51 AM).]

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2002-06-09 11:24 AM

Magnus,
You do have the essence of a good poem. Enjoyed

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

4 posted 2002-06-09 11:51 AM

that last stanza is a real grabber, Magnus!

there is one place, early on, that I think "my" would work better, at least feel better, to me, than "of"

ah, yes, 'my frown' rather then 'of frown'

what do you think, that's what counts

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

catalinamoon

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-03

Posts 9543
The Shores of Alone

5 posted 2002-06-09 01:18 PM

Speaks to me, as always, especially this stanza.
"As rain does dampen the floor
where dreams come to be,
this heart awaits at love’s door,
till knocking comes to me."

Sandra

baerlon
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 197
Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA

6 posted 2002-06-09 01:24 PM

I like this. If i was you i would leave it as it is. It came from the heart and you can't change the heart.

There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on
In the end
There's a peace inside us all
-Creed

Marsha

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-10

Posts 7423
Maidstone Kent England

7 posted 2002-06-09 08:13 PM

Magnus darling boy I like this, it’s essence spins starlight into glittering showers of sparkles. Tweak if you want to or not the choice obviously is yours. I love your writing and truly adore the flow of this, it may be it’s my English accent (although I haven’t got an accent you all have) My voice I’ll have you know is fine, even if it is a bit scratchy by the end of the day. Anyway be that as it may and even allowing for variance of speech I love this it is utterly utterly wonderful.

Love and warm stuff
As always
Mushy

Breathe through the heat of our desire
Thy coolness and they balm
Let sense be dumb let flesh retire
Speak through the eathquake wind and fire
Oh

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