A Tale of a Heart (a simple poem)

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sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member

since 1999-12-03

Posts 872
just about where I want to be

0 posted 2002-06-05 04:38 PM

Once upon a time
There lived a heart.
She sat all alone
Yearning for a friend.

One day, out of the blue,
A fine, young heart
Saw her alone
And made himself known

She took a liking to
The young heart
And opened up
Her life to him

But the young heart
soon tired of her
He left her
A broken heart

So the heart decided
No more young hearts for a while
So she sat alonefor a time
Content with just her friends

But soon another
Young heart came by
She liked this heart
And gave him all she had

But the young heart
Wasn't interested in her
And soon left her
An empty heart

Many young hearts
And many broken hearts later,
A gentle heart came
And befriended the broken heart

She found she was
Very grateful to the gentle heart
For he helped her heal
And listened to her tales of sorrow

Slowly the friendship grew
To fondness, to affection and
Slowly, the two hearts fell
Deeply in love

The gentle heart took
The still fragile healed heart
Into his soft embrace
And loved her dearly

And all at once
She wasn't a lonely heart,
She wasn't a broken heart,
And she wasn't a lonely heart

She was a whole heart..
In love

Weak ending..critique away!

[This message has been edited by sweetcollege_girl (06-05-2002 04:39 PM).]

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

1 posted 2002-06-05 05:02 PM

This is nice...James

angelswing
Senior Member

since 2000-02-10

Posts 705
United Kingdom

2 posted 2002-06-05 08:09 PM

Wow, this is such a simple yet deep, emotional, sweet poem ... I love the flow the whole way through, but if you want my critique (which isn't all that good) - The end as you say is weakish... I think all you need to do is swap one or 2 words - The lin ...'And she wasn't a lonely heart' you could replace with a line like - 'She was a heart alive' - or something similar/better (i'm tired so that ain't great) . Lovely poem though; change it at your own disgrecion, I just think the repitition of the lonely heart doesn't work so well .
Have fun fiddling with it

.
L.of.L. Tom .
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'There is only a very thin line between genius and insanity, this is measured only on sucess; I am proud to be considered an under-achieving genius'.

MidnightSon
Member

since 2002-05-15

Posts 312
between the gutter & the stars

3 posted 2002-06-05 09:35 PM

actually i like the ending...
seldom are there any happy love ones in here.
congrats.

"The soul is oftentimes a battlefield where reason and judgement wage war on passion and appetite."

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