»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #20
»
The French Door
| Open Poetry #20 |
|
The French Door |
|
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
|
The French Door The French door is a whisper of open cool morning air, with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun pierce the cold floor of the patio, then out the gate it sees weaving thin grace dress the trees in golden trace of warm. The French door follows the sun's race to the pool that quivers at its first touch into the deep and troubled water, then sees her sleeping shadow light like skin to love’s first silken rush. The French door is the watcher as in shiver the dew gives in to warm fingers and the caress is so slow to capture in one glistening orb, that alone could be reason for this morn. Finally, the sun has reached the glass, after almost too much time has passed, it fills the room and spreads across the teal carpet onto the crumpled morning of my body clothed in bed to pattern my stretching feet to head with lace instead. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
French doors are artfully sensuous, are they not? And you have brought their true character forward in this wonderful penning... |
||
|
Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
mmmmm sounds lazy kinda like slow butter seeping on warm toast enjoyed it ms |
||
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
MartieGirl~ 'The French door is a whisper of open cool morning air, with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun pierce the cold floor of the patio, then out the gate it sees weaving thin grace dress the trees in golden trace of warm.' What a lovely whisper you've heard and shared~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
||
|
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Martie, I do love the feel of a whisper and this write whispers ever so softly in it's flow and feel. Thank You.. |
||
|
Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
A beautiful way to start the day, Martie... and a beautiful written poem.... Now you need some coffee and breakfast!  ~ morning hugsLyra |
||
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Awwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, this is sooooooo beautiful! I have seen these kind of doors at the Denver Art Museum, they are sooooooo enchanting, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Martie, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
|
Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Martie, I don't ever think I shall look at my French doors the same again. How wonderful the images are in this piece! Soft and gentle...love this, I do. ~Hugs and Luv~ ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey you... soft and gentle as usual - what I expect, but not the best I've read from you  Some suggestions: How bout removing the its from 'with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun pierce the cold floor of the patio' And just having: 'with glass eyes it sees the striped sun pierce the cold floor of the patio' avoidance of repetition etc etc..adds to the flow etc etc.. 'The French door follows the sun's race to the pool that quivers at its first touch into the deep and troubled water, then sees her sleeping shadow light like skin to love’s first silken rush.' I admit that I have problems with this...in some ways it felt like a tongue twister lol...I had to go back and read over it, and the light/like break between the fourth and fifth lines was a real killer M..not sure what you could do with it, but I do suggest revising this one.. The third verse had a similar effect, but not to such a degree - particularly the second line...'as in shiver the dew gives in to warm fingers.' I find myself saying, huh? Not the image per se..just the way it is presented.. I'm also (am I giving you a complex dear? Hope not..) not comfortable with The French Door starting off the first three verses..it seems, clinical - controlled. Contrived even. Flat. Yes - it has a flattening effect. I think the first line of the fourth verse reads more like a line of prose than a line of a poem. It sounds like a statement. I would definitely reword that..but the last two lines: 'onto the crumpled morning of my body clothed in bed to pattern my stretching feet to head with lace instead' superb. I love this image. All in all, you certainly have some beautiful imagery here...and I think this poem has incredible potential... love ya hon...thanks for letting me ramble, and crit you..  K[This message has been edited by Severn (05-24-2002 10:18 PM).] |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Very nice Martie...James |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
 Oh Martie, this was simply a beautiful images you sent to my mind. Lovely! ~* Tell someone in your family that you love them today *~ |
||
|
Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Martie, Like having breakfast in bed. |
||
|
vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
liked it |
||
|
Cirrus Member
since 2002-05-12
Posts 55 |
Great imagery in this Martie, I can see those French doors and t he sun filteering through... beautiful. |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Like I've stated so many times before....Martie, you write such beautiful pictures. The very essence of virtual reality. Love that last verse! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
