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Open Poetry #20
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elfin_tigress
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 101
Someplace

0 posted 2002-05-22 08:32 PM


The Bottles

Last year the windowsill was full
Of bottles red and green
And yellow purple blue and clear
So vibrant never seen

Last week that home was cloaked with black
The rainbow left the sill
The cloud remains but light within
Shows color is gone still

One clear bottle and five blue
Sit menacingly there
A dark blue serpent curls and beats
The natives with its glare

Six days since haze has overwhelmed
The house in anger hot
The people within try to flee
But find that they cannot

They know the bottles clear and blue
May be what keep them there
They weep and wail and gnash their teeth
And wish the sill were bare

But still the shapes are beautiful
They hate them but they crave
The thrill of darkness and despair
Made each of them a slave

Day after day they wait for rain
They watch the bottles shine
While gleaming eyes admire their glow
They don't see its design

For it's the bottles' contents dark
That make their minds so bend
If they could smash their worthless pride
Their misery would end

[This message has been edited by elfin_tigress (05-23-2002 08:22 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Claire Ring - All Rights Reserved
Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
1 posted 2002-05-22 09:27 PM




BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, this is such a powerfully striking poem, sweet friend, may these illusions be shattered and may this misery be replaced with porcelain! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

leafseranade
Member
since 2001-07-06
Posts 118
Wisconsin, USA
2 posted 2002-05-22 10:46 PM


Oh, wow!  Love it!!  I'm trying to think of a reply that will do this just without sounding corny and repetitive.  Perhaps I will think of it later ...until then I will have to suucum. Very good work!
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
3 posted 2002-05-23 06:14 PM


I like this  very much but am not sure I understand  the whole story...

M

elfin_tigress
Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 101
Someplace
4 posted 2002-05-23 06:59 PM


Not really much of a story.  It's a poem that just....happened...  
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

5 posted 2002-05-23 08:05 PM


Wow...

She said burn ... together.
-TON

ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
6 posted 2002-05-23 08:55 PM


I'll be repetitive....good writing....good poem....enjoyable read!
Silver Butterfly
Junior Member
since 2001-03-13
Posts 42
Between here and the end
7 posted 2002-05-31 03:08 PM


It was an excellent poem. However, the line "One clear bottle and five blue" breaks your syllable scheme. It has 7 and every other stanza follows a strict 8-6-8-6 scheme. Also "in anger hot" sounds a bit awkward. That is my full "nonsugarcoated" response.
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