Open Poetry #20 |
The Bottles |
elfin_tigress Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 101Someplace |
The Bottles Last year the windowsill was full Of bottles red and green And yellow purple blue and clear So vibrant never seen Last week that home was cloaked with black The rainbow left the sill The cloud remains but light within Shows color is gone still One clear bottle and five blue Sit menacingly there A dark blue serpent curls and beats The natives with its glare Six days since haze has overwhelmed The house in anger hot The people within try to flee But find that they cannot They know the bottles clear and blue May be what keep them there They weep and wail and gnash their teeth And wish the sill were bare But still the shapes are beautiful They hate them but they crave The thrill of darkness and despair Made each of them a slave Day after day they wait for rain They watch the bottles shine While gleaming eyes admire their glow They don't see its design For it's the bottles' contents dark That make their minds so bend If they could smash their worthless pride Their misery would end [This message has been edited by elfin_tigress (05-23-2002 08:22 PM).] |
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© Copyright 2002 Claire Ring - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
BRAVO!!! Oh my gosh, this is such a powerfully striking poem, sweet friend, may these illusions be shattered and may this misery be replaced with porcelain! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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leafseranade Member
since 2001-07-06
Posts 118Wisconsin, USA |
Oh, wow! Love it!! I'm trying to think of a reply that will do this just without sounding corny and repetitive. Perhaps I will think of it later ...until then I will have to suucum. Very good work! |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
I like this very much but am not sure I understand the whole story... M |
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elfin_tigress Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 101Someplace |
Not really much of a story. It's a poem that just....happened... |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Wow... She said burn ... together. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
I'll be repetitive....good writing....good poem....enjoyable read! |
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Silver Butterfly Junior Member
since 2001-03-13
Posts 42Between here and the end |
It was an excellent poem. However, the line "One clear bottle and five blue" breaks your syllable scheme. It has 7 and every other stanza follows a strict 8-6-8-6 scheme. Also "in anger hot" sounds a bit awkward. That is my full "nonsugarcoated" response. |
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