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Open Poetry #20
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Dream it Sad (Serenity's Dream challenge)
| Open Poetry #20 |
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Dream it Sad (Serenity's Dream challenge) |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers 
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Sounds a little wierd, but do give me comments on how to improve this.  Pure white gown with long lace train Diamond ear drops sway as I strain Looking pass the crowded pews My love in tuxedo, oh so cool! The organ sounds the march My heart beats, oh so fast! Slowly, I walk to him Balancing well on tapered heels Eagerly taking my last step forward And then I felt my soul left 'me' I was pulled away and away I could only scream, "nay!!!" Hovering above the couple at the altar A force kept me from going near I could only watch from afar My love was marrying 'me' A step closer I could not take Yet suddenly I could see 'I' was not the wife-to-be He was not saying his vows to 'me' I cried aloud in agony Pityful sobs that none could hear My eyes burning with hot tears Did he not realise it's not me? Weeping, alone and unwanted I was guided to a pew I had to physical form 'Tis a kindred spirit, a loving soul Crying like there is no tomorrow Why had my love betrayed me? I could accept no other love Nor the care my friends offer Ask me not of how I know The guiding soul was there for me Offering his shoulder and his hands Giving me the love I deserve I decided to quit my tears Wiped them off and sought to hear This comforting voice echo in my heart Of love and everything wonderful I seek to learn his identity I looked up He was no more there Gone with a blink as I awake _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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| © Copyright 2002 Mon Cherie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Challenge well met me thinks... and oh those dreams!!! well done you... Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smiling, I'm not sure whether to critique or analyze this! But it is what I had in mind for the challenge! Well done, friend! (and funny, I've had some nightmares, but I've never dreamed of getting married!  )Thanks for meeting the challenge! Well done, m'friend! |
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RosePetal
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
oohh i like it!!!! what was the challenge, i want to try!!! |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 WOW!!! This is so sad but this is a wonderfully met challenge, sweet friend, my heart goes out to you and I hope now these tears have ended in your dreams and now loves joy has replaced it! (kiss on cheek) This is fabulous, sweet friend, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Florence, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
it must be the english teacher in me but i spotted a couple of grammatical errors..eliminate those and i think you will have one wistful, enjoyable musing... |
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Mon Cherie
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922Land of Never-ending Summers |
Thank you Devina! I had hoped I could do better than this... Serenity, you are too kind... You should have criticised. Even now, I cringe when I read what I wrote.  And yes, ain't getting married a big nightmare? :P RosePetal, the challenge is in Poetry Challenge in the discussion forums. Mistletoe Angel, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I'm hoping real hard that it's just me not having written in a long long time...  but I pray that my next one would be an improvement. :PFaterider, it's not just you. Like I said, I cringe when I read this. I'm even ashamed now that I actually posted this here. *sigh* There's more than SOME grammatical error. There are several typo errors too (some of which changed the idea that I was trying to put across) _,,,^.^,,,_ |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
Mon Cherie, while it's commendable to accept comments graciously, beware the pitfall of being too hard on yourself...mistakes can be learnt, all in good time, ya... repeat after me: i'll be receptive but not critical  |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Cool, I get to try out an icon!  |
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