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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #20 |
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Rhymed Compromise |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
"What are you so afraid of?" she questioned. "Everything," came the reply. "You haven't even scratched the surface yet, you know you have to, and you know the reasons why." "I don't think I can go that deep ... there are some secrets I need to keep. Sometimes I don't want you reading my mind and some things just cant be held by rhyme." "There was a time when we were the same mind ... when you desperately needed the rhyme to define. It rocked you like an abandoned child, cadenced console from lonely running wild. It kept you sane ... held you beguiled." "Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." "I know you better than you realize ... after all, I see you through your own eyes. With me there's no rejection ... I am your true reflection. Yet from me, you now feel the need for protection? You used to say I was the one who gave you direction." "What about the times you leave me behind? Need I remind? It's you who takes my words away ... where's the intentions of kind when you're gone to stay? For now it's probably better this way, for all the things I'm feeling these days ... there'll be no right words to say." "Would it be too much for a hurting heart to conceive, that the silence's true intent is meant as healing reprieve? You need to believe in me like you did when we began. You have to find a place to make your stand ... even when I have to let go of your hand." "Why do you always need me to bleed? You think I don't know that it's off my pain you feed? Then you go away leaving me in quiet concede. I'm tired of begging you for inspiration ... tired of this desperation. I no longer feel the anticipation. I cant live up to your expectations." "The only thing holding you back is you, You need a different point of view. Ask yourself how you got so lost while standing still? Honesty comes with cost, the truth is a bitter pill." "Sometimes you ask for more than I have left to give, the parts of me I cant forgive ... the pain I'd rather not relive." "Let's do this the way we have so many times before ... walk with me through this last door. What are you so afraid of?" (she inquired once more.) "Of never being inspired like that again ... of never touching the warm, the way I did back then. Of never quieting this ache that burns from within, of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him." "The inspiration will be yours again, all you have to do is let me in ... then trust again in your promised pen." "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." "That will always be your choice to decide, the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide. The tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied." Janet Marie ~*~ "When your own emptiness is all that's getting through, There comes a point when you're not sure why you're still talking ... I passed that point long ago." Now I'm sitting here wondering what to say (That you might recognize) Afraid that all these words might scare you away (And break through the disguise) No one ever talks about their feelings anyway ... Without dressing them in dreams and laughter -- I guess it's just too painful otherwise." ~Jackson Browne~ from: Late For The Sky ... and I don't know why ... Why should love come down and just sweep me away I want to fly ... but there are so many things in my way. J Browne [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-07-2002 12:40 AM).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Janet Marie You have and did and will forever be an inspiration to me!! This honest conversation with your muse is just an example of your poetic soul. I love it, and you!!  |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
JanetMarie~ "I don't think I can go that deep ... there are some secrets I need to keep. Sometimes I don't want you reading my mind and some things just cant be held by rhyme." I know you found inspiration that sent you reaching deeply for this purge~ Poignancy noted and feeling the touch~ Excellent, poetess~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
Janet, You never stop amazing me. I am always in awe of your words. You don't know how much I truly enjoyed this, and how many parts seem like they came right out of my thoughts. Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
"I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." "That will always be your choice to decide, the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide ... the tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh Janet Marie, it is so wonderful to be reading you again! And this write with you muse is so very very special! YOU dear poetess just made my day! This is a keeper and into my library marked JM it goes.  ~Big Hugs~ |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
It's going to take me a while to soak this in. But you know I'm reading and absorbing and feeling like the time when I sat in a movie theatre alone and the movie still played. I even snuck a cigarette. This is perfect, just like that. |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
Yes, I know this conversation well. Particularly the part about not wanting to go too far into the thoughts and feelings beneath the surface. So nice to see your poetry on these pages again JM. Now that you and your muse have had this conversation, will we be seeing more soon? I sure hope so. If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
"The inspiration will be yours again, all you have to do is let me in ... then trust again in your promised pen." "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." "That will always be your choice to decide, the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide ... the tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied."   YES!!! YES!!! Oh Janet, this is outstanding, sweet friend, yes, we must always take a stand for ourselves even while the words we try to speak may sound mundane when we enunciate them, for if we never have anything to believe in, there is no course or no change in history and learning is what helps our hearts grow and teaches us to appreciate language and life so much more vividly! (kiss on cheek) This is awesome, sweet friend, this is a wonderful muse conversation, it feels so great to read your fabulous words again, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Janet, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." Shakira [This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (05-06-2002 11:09 PM).] |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
"Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." You know, JM, that my attention span is limited, so I'll have to respond to this in pieces. Don't ya hate it when they try to make you say more than you want to. Won't leave ya safe, in the cacoon. |
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SmittenKitten Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131where the sky and horizon meet |
the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide ... the tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied." Yes! I have been silenced before by negative thoughts and feelings...I wouldn't write because I didn't want to face those feelings. Hopefully your muse is pushy enough to get you doing it anyway! Without dressing them in dreams and laughter -- I guess it's just too painful otherwise." Wow...that is so true....so sad. I like the conversation style of this piece ~ chatting up your muse, that's a hilarious thought if you really think about it  I'm so glad to see you writing again. Keep talking with your muse because I would certainly love to hear from you both some more!  And now you give the rest of us poets a chance to shower you with comments like you do to us. *hugs sweet poetess* ~Krista Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself. |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Gawd, JM, how do you do it?! This is a raw and honest purge, and I see bits of myself floating about the lines. I've had many conversations with my muse and myself, yet they never compare to yours. Excellent writing... Take care  Melissa~ "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
the words ... must not ever be denied." This is a BRUISING read, me dear twin. (My turn to love the conversatinal format.) The repartee stung--and I know how painful this must have been to write, but I also know the relief of having it written. You, among a few others, know the subject matter of what I've been working on lately. I wanted to share with you something, my "dear" friend asked, when he found me crying over the keyboard. "Maybe you shouldn't...why do you want to do this to yourself? Why do you want to relive it all again?" And I said, "Because I want it all, between the covers of a book, so that I can close it, and be done with it, and get the ugly INSIDE of me OUTSIDE of me, so that I can put it away for good, someplace else." I love you baby. And I understand.  |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
This is why, we fly knowingly into the flame. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
"The only thing holding you back is you, You need a different point of view. Ask yourself how you got so lost while standing still? Honesty comes with cost, the truth is a bitter pill." Well...this was painful to say the least, but I think an exercise that probably had to be done, and like Karen said, I think it best to listen to your muse and get all of it out and over with so you can fly with intent. How can I say this was sensational, when I feel an ache in my heart with this one?  ((((hugs to my JM)))) ~* ~ Carpe' Diem ~*~ |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Dear Heart, The ache, the bitter truth, the pain, the letting go....is all there woven among these words, of you such a delicate heart....searching .....keeping flying sweet poetess.....you wil make a soft safe landing....love to you...much Peace too.. Lauren~ I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Janet Marie-- Wow! I've thought some of these thoughts and it was a relief to see them so well expressed. Thanks for posting this! Shenachie |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Communication is good...especially thoughts from deep down in the heart...James |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
JM, just a hug and some big shoulders to a sweet lady...enjoyed your soul here |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
No, no, not even the Moth can deny the words when she wears the wings of the Queen... I wish your muse weren't so moody...it needs to be let out of the cedar chest more often... |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
JM, I read your wonderful sad write and can explain some but it is very involved. I will write you again later in the day. WWRS |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Thank you all for these kind replies, for the hugs and concerned Emails. Please be assured I am fine.(and I love you for the concern) This was not as emotionally painful to write as the words must read ...(yes some parts were, and some losses seem impossible for me to move past) but I have learned, over time by the emotional reactions that I write "sadder" than I realize...but yes this was a necessary exploration. Needing to look deep and brutally honest at my struggle with writers block...or more so my not writing because I wont open my self up to new avenues,-- is of my own doing emotionally...as is the pressure I put on myself to only write at a certain level. (my own worst enemy and critic) And this is also about how I have come to feel restricted by writing in rhyme, where once it was second skin...putting rhyme to the voices in my head. As a child...the rhyme offered comfort I couldn't understand back then..but sometimes it now seems to chain me.Of late I have been enjoying writing in free verse more..my last several posts have been headed in that direction( even if far and few between) But this time the rhyme could not be denied...the muse insisted.We have to explore all the reasons behind our need to write..and why we sometimes cant, to understand and then grow as a poet. Yes, this is a moth purge for sure..but I hope not taken as a "pity party." For me personally...writing the emotions is what has always come the easiest no matter how sad, as I needed an outlet for these things I feel so intensely and often am owned by them...its containing them in a poetic way that has structure and form that is the hard part... as is brevity sometimes and not writing with the cliche' pen too often) *S*(Thank the poetic gods for alliterations and ellipses) *L* thank you all...I appreciate your reading this long one when there is so much to read here. my love and respect to poetry land jm [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-07-2002 09:46 AM).] |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
What are you so afraid of?" (she inquired once more.) "Of never being inspired like that again ... of never touching the warm, the way I did back then. Of never quieting this ache that burns from within, of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him." Maybe the poetry isn't worth the pain. Just wondering to myself. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh yes, Duncan, the poetry IS worth the pain... the ache can be SO fine... |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
alliteration and elipses are good rhyme is evil *grin* quote:probably the lines that ripped me away from you in this and plunged me into my own experiences. i have a feeling that mine are far different and yet the words you chose fit oh so well. many of these lines i have said or heard before - of course in different ways - and i was there throughout. out of curiosity - what made you choose to bold some of the poem? i have to admit it was kinda distracting. your words and word choices were more than powerful and poetic enough to stand on their own - completely. just a little question. of course i dig it... *ahem* even if it rhymes (a LOT - look at all that internal rhyming...geez )hugs mothy-you. C ps: alliteration and elipses are good rhyme is evil |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
"What are you so afraid of?" she questioned. "Everything," came the reply. "You haven't even scratched the surface yet, you know you have to, and you know the reasons why." This grabbed on to me like my inner child begging me to try, try again. Wonderful. Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Your words are a healing balm to the unreachable moments of darkness that still and bite and chide away at the more honest core of happiness. Er ....... Yeh, that made little to no sense. Y' got me babbling, Butterfly Slippers. Duck and cover. Loved this. Thanks for sharing. More! Yay. Bye fr nah. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Thank you to: Martie, Marge, Tara, Nancy, Duncan,(several times) Tracey, Noah, Krista, Melis, KA, Sharon, Lauren, Bridget, SBJ, DS, Sunshine, Sy-babes, Poet Chris...and Poetess Chris.. and BSQ for the reads and generous replies...I appreciate them and you so very much.Dunc ... we will feel the pain either way...the poetry gives us a place to express it when we are ready...(IKTYK) and ya know that old saying..."sometimes the pain is the only thing that lets me know Im alive." Chris... I'll try to not rhyme whilst answering your question I bolded the parts of the conversation that were meant to be my muses words, so as to clarify the converstational aspect of this...I have done a few others of these types and some said it was hard to follow an "all dialogue" read that went on so long.. so I thought doing that might help make it easier to read and understand. I first tried 2 different colors and it didnt work for me at all. anyway..thats my reason..or method to my madness So glad you enjoyed those extra evil internal rhymes.. Mike...your "nonsense" made perfect sense... thank you |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
"Of never being inspired like that again ... of never touching the warm, the way I did back then. Of never quieting this ache that burns from within, of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him." "The inspiration will be yours again, all you have to do is let me in ... then trust again in your promised pen." "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." "That will always be your choice to decide, the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide. The tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied." Ohhh yeah, J's talking to herself again and blaming it on her muse...  ...but I love every bit of it!! Really though...you know I admire your knack for rhyme and cadence, even when you feel weighed down by it...go with the flow, but this isn't something you haven't already heard 10,000 times, right?? huh?? huh??  Well, J...awesome write...as alwaysk   I've been down this road forever, |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Jan, this was some of your most excellent work...the flow and structure have left me literally in awe...but it's the emotion you display that really hit me. i felt every word of every line of this, and though yes parts are sad and were quite hard to read...i am so proud of you for so freely expressing your emotions. it takes a lot for us to dig this deep inside, enough to be truthful with our selves and write the good and the bad... you are such a talented woman and i stand beside you gladly in both friendship and poetry...it's a true honor to still be reading you two years after i've started. you're wonderful and so is your gift of write...take care. love ya. me "you can't stop |
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EagleOne Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829Between a laugh and a tear... |
Once again Janet you leave me speechless... We are all just prisoners here of our own device ~ Hotel California, The Eagles |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
============================================ "Let's do this the way we have so many times before ... walk with me through this last door. What are you so afraid of?" (she inquired once more.) "Of never being inspired like that again ... of never touching the warm, the way I did back then. Of never quieting this ache that burns from within, of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him." ============================================ Oh WOW!!!!! BRAVO!!!! sweet Janny girl this is truly exceptional writing, I enjoyed this so very much...well done, well penned ~HUGS~ Tracie Love is the life of the soul... |
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rwood Member Elite
since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793Tennessee |
"Of never being inspired like that again ... of never touching the warm, the way I did back then. Of never quieting this ache that burns from within, of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him." "The inspiration will be yours again, all you have to do is let me in ... then trust again in your promised pen." "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." "That will always be your choice to decide, the inspire ... is mine to provide. From silent stirrings deep inside ... is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide. Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide. The tears ... they must be cried ... the words ... must not ever be denied." Read this one 3 times and this same word keeps popping up at me "write". There is something magical in what you write that goes beyond what is normally absorbed. Whether you rhyme or just put a comment on a page it is real, it is powerful, it is emotive. Kharisma..yes..(Greek) meaning devine favor..a quality your voice and writing has to me..maybe your muse has always known it. I felt this whole poem but the ending stanzas hit me so hard. Write..please write. Sincerely, Reg |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Kris...Amy...Eddie...Tracie...& Reggie... thank you seems to little to say for such generous replies...but I do thank each of you for your words of encouragement and friendship... you humble me...thank you for taking the time to read this mused epic thank you to all who stopped by and shared your thoughts. my love to poetry land. jm and me moody mothy muse ... and I don't know why ... |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
"Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." "Why do you always need me to bleed? You think I don't know that it's off my pain you feed? Then you go away leaving me in quiet concede. I'm tired of begging you for inspiration ... tired of this desperation. I no longer feel the anticipation. I cant live up to your expectations." "Ask yourself how you got so lost while standing still?" Ah, my dear gator gal ... this was a splendid read! I got swept into the conversation from the very beginning, and you held me with your honesty, and genuine ponderance and search for answers within the lines through to the end. This had a wonderful conversational feel ... loved this JM ... much enjoyed! Best wishes and hugs, /Kit |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Kit....thank you my gator girl... ya know I had to find an excuse and good use for all the talking to myself I do Hope you are feeling better...thanks for coming in and finding me...I havent posted one in awhile When your own emptiness is all thats getting through There comes a point when youre not sure why youre still talking... I passed that point long ago [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-10-2002 01:16 AM).] |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
It's so easy to believe that words are our friends and our tools... but they sometimes seem to be fair-weather friends, leaving us silent when the important things need to be said... "some things just cant be held by rhyme." *S* However, I usually find that it's not the rhyme restrictions that's causing the block... it's the unwillingness to fully open myself again to the pain, the hesitation to submerge once more in the emotions when each baby-step away from their control has exacted such cost. *S* I liked the bolding but was a bit bothered by the indentations? *S* Otherwise, this was a poetic purge worth waiting for. *S* |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
quoting Ruth : "it's the unwillingness to fully open myself again to the pain, the hesitation to submerge once more in the emotions" =================== yes...exactly...which is what I was just telling my muse.. maybe she'll listen to you .. she blows me off *S* As for the indentations...It is my understanding that "proper form" when writing in converstation, is that we are to indent each time a new person begins speaking. Like you, I also found it distracting & didnt like the way it "looked in the presentation" of the poem, but opted to stay with what I believed was the correct way grammatically speaking. If anyone knows this to be different where poetry is concerned...please teach me, as I want to learn to do it right. Thank you Ruth-girlie, for your insight & kind words. Good to see you in here again...in spite of the werk monster. When your own emptiness is all thats getting through |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
There are so very many ghosts.... "I don't think I can go that deep ... there are some secrets I need to keep. Sometimes I don't want you reading my mind and some things just cant be held by rhyme." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." so many things I leave go unsaid Janet, they are kept so closely to me. Writing is a wonderful avenue of release even when the words are not shared..........this leaves me in awe of your writing with pride that you are who you are.....and that's a good thing. Like a red brick, |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
This is so honest and beautiful, Janet Marie. "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." I have often had this same conversation with my own muse  ~non-rhyming hugsLyra |
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Logan Senior Member
since 2001-05-28
Posts 1641Arkansas |
Step one, then two..then the pathway..very gentle smile |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Thank you Donna, Lyra and Logan .... forgive me for taking so long to thank you...we keep having storms here and power outtages....I'm falling behind in all my replies...( doesnt mother nature know I have poetry to read?) I thank you for these lovely remarks and for your encouragement. thank you again to all who read this. my love to poetry land. jm When your own emptiness is all thats getting through |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Janet: Waht a marvelous display of your inner self. Frustrated or not you're still you and that muse of yours is really your dearest friend. She argues eloquently with you throughout this piece. Never to leave you your muse will stimulate that wonderful soulful approach to writing you've always possessed. The words and feelings will flow together......... I'd like you to read the following words carefully my dear fiend The minstrel of the dawn is here To make you laugh and bend your ear Up the steps you'll hear him climb All full of thoughts, all full of rhymes Listen to the pictures flow Across the room into your mind they go Listen to the strings They jangle and dangle While the old guitar rings The minstrel of the dawn is he Not too wise but oh so free He'll talk of life out on the street He'll play it sad and say it sweet Look into his shining face Of lonelines you'll always find a trace Just like me and you He's trying to get into things More happy than blue A minstrel of the changing tide He'll ask for nothing but his pride Just sit him down upon that chair Go fetch some wine and set it there Listen to the pictures flow And follow the fingers where they go Listen to the strings They jangle and dangle While the old guitar rings A minstrel of the dawn is near Just like a step he'll fetch it here He's like an old time troubador Just wanting life and nothing more Look into his shining eyes And if you see a ghost don't be surprised Like me and you He's trying to get into things More happy than blue The minstrel boy will understand He holds a promise in his hand He talks of better days ahead And by his words your fortune's read Listen to the pictures flow Across the room into your mind they go Listen to the strings They jangle and dangle While the old guitar rings The minstrel of the dawn is gone I hope he'll call before too long And if you meet him you must be The victim of his minstrelsy He'll sing for you a song The minstrel of the dawn written by Gordon Lightfoot The role of poetry is to utter the un-utterable; to open up |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Eric....thank you my friend for your insight and encouragement...and for taking the time to come find one of mine on back pages...it means a lot to me ...I know I dont post very often anymore. thank you also for the song verse... no surprise we both love Gord too. Canada's answer to Van thanks E-babes, youre the man. I remembering being one and the same ... |
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Mother_Earth Senior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 13701/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Michigan |
Janet, the more I read this master piece the more I read into it. Just when I think I have it or you figured out....I decide I got it ALL wrong. One thing I did decide is I loved it and you gave me a lot of things to think about. A lovely piece of work, ME |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Oh yes, the good stuff comes back to the top... like cream... meow |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Don't you jsut love those mental tug-of-wars? No matter which way you go, you never win, but you never lose. You have a gifted muse twin. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
M.E. ... Hey...welcome back... so good to see your name here...thank you for such a wonderful compliment...and if ya ever do figure my muse out...please enlighten me, cuz Im always chasing after her trying to have my say. lolSunshine... LOL ....is that cream or ambrosia? rofl...hey-- they say hot air rises too. and MEOW baby...meow !! TY  Kacy...So good to find your name here too...thanks for stoping in and reading my muse's purge...we have a love-hate-rhyme thing going on thank you girlie for the encouragement. thanks again to all who came by and shared your thoughts and kindness. my love to Poetry Land jm I remembering being one and the same ... |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
"I'm not promising the words will always rhyme, I have to find my own way this time." Rhyming is bad!! Thought we'd been over this before. Feel and write. Distill. Rewrite. It's that simple...lol! Desperate for changing |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
JM... long time no read. This is definitely something to which I must reply. I can't resist.Generally, I'd have to say that I agree with Chris that the rhyme took a lot away from much of the poem. It wasn't good for the flow in some places... a rhymed dialogue can be a good idea, and I probably would have attempted it as well, were I in your place. But for some reason, it just didn't work in this poem. It took more away than it gave. I could see you labouring a bit on some of the rhymes (like that sore thumb of a fourth line, for example), and that hurt the poem quite a bit. One reason I can think of is that you spread your rhymes out so far that the rhythm didn't catch them. A bit of meter would have probably complimented the rhymes and ensured their proximity was effective... at least, in my humble opinion. Absent of this, crunching the rhymes a bit closer together would help them come across more smoothly. I'll go over it a second time now, trying to ignore the rhyme and take it as a dialogue. Which will be difficult to do, but hey, I'll give it a shot. Okay, some more general comments after the second read. Firstly, I disagree with Chris that the bold was all that unnecessary. I liked how it made it easier to see who was saying what. Although, maybe italics would have been a nicer way of going about this. I still liked the distinction. What bothered me was that, at the beginning, you were using out-of-quotation words in your sentences. like, "came the reply." But after the first two times, you pretty much left that one dangling. Why didn't you use it a bit more, later on in? You could have done a lot to talk about the tones of the two parties, the sound of their words, etc. Now we go into specifics... quote: Like I said, sore thumb. The second line of this little duo sounds completely tried and inarticulate. Maybe you should consider rewording this a bit, if you revise this dialogue. You open up after these few lines, though, and bloom into longer stanzas. I suppose you were trying to establish a healthy introductory section before moving into the more evenly sized stanzas? It works, if that's your intent. I do like how the poem evolves, then shortens towards the end. But this is getting general again, so I'll move on. The entire torso of this poem has a lot of meat in it, but sometimes it lacks nutrition, if you get me. There are some very deep sentiments, but they are often flanked by redundancy, or lines that seem almost unnecessary. And some of it goes into pretty generalized emotions that don't explain themselves. Like this stanza: quote: That entire stanza kinda made me cringe, to be honest. You had some really thought-poking lines earlier in the poem, in the previous bold stanza, with some good imagery. Then you followed up with this somewhat weak and broad expression of general anxiety... come to think of it, this poem could use some fancification. Where are all your trademark images and creative wordings that make me stop and grin during the poem? I somehow feel you missed out on that a bit. I know that what you're saying in this stanza is important in the entire poem, but I'd spice the stanza up more with a few more fancy symbols or something. Next stanza, after that one, is cool... I like the reuse of the -ection rhyme, it sounded neat. Kind of quizzical, like a cheshire cat. Really helps the tone of the poem. Now the only reason I sound so critical of this poem is because it's so big, and there's so much I found that I felt was worth commenting. I do enjoy your poetry, JM. And I did enjoy this one. Even the conclusion, as usual in your writing, was strong and left me loving the poem. You drew a nice connection between the two parties here, with a good mix of inquiry and cynicism. Bravo. ~Allan p.s. You used the word "cadenced" twice. I'm only mentionin that because I'd want someone to point that out to me. All images begin in mirrors and end inside our subconsious. ~Genesis P-Orridge, "Thee Reversal of Fate" [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (05-30-2002 08:10 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Dunc...you and Chris are gonna both be in the workshop at Nan's blackboard writing RHYME RULES Tell me how rhyme is so evil and yet 99.9% of music lyrics rhyme???? Hmmmm???? Rob rhymes As for distilling...yeah..that I SO need to learn...simple? Simple minded.....yeah TYCant stand up for fallin apart |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Allan--- hey you...look who's back and hungry for poetry ( or a glutton for punishment) LOL .... Well, first of all thank you so much for taking the time to come and give this such an in depth read and reply...As I told you back when I invited you and anyone else who wanted to come on my work and give "hard critique" -- I believe we as poets must be able to see our work thru others eyes to be able to grow...and I believe we also need to be able to take constructive criticism as well. And that's not always easy...but something we must learn. We get spoiled here at Passions with all the praise and encouragement...and that too helps us grow and find new inspiration...but when our work is offered up for grade or publishing in the "real world" its not all about praise and compliments...we have to be able to handle our weaknesses being pointed out... Anyway....to your reply and suggestions....I am going to print them out so I can lay them and the poem side by side and go thru it more in depth and see your suggestions and comment next to the verse you are discussing. To answer some of your questions...as far as the italics...on AOL they look "wavy" and are hard on the eyes...I didnt like the presentation...so opted for the bold. This was a purge poem and something I needed to write...also the first thing I had written in months and when I write these kinds of emotional (over emotional perhaps) poems, ...I often make the decision to let them write themselves...let it go where it needs to....I know this went on long and could have been cut back, but decided to let it stand on its own as a purge. When I sat down to write it...I actually didnt intend for it to rhyme...that became the purge and struggle with my muse..I only had the idea and inspire to write a dialogue with my muse. The rhyme took over...or my muse did..how ever you want to look at it. As to the rhyme issue, I have to disagree...I dont think this would have worked at all as a "free verse ramble" .... I feel it would have lost its impact---the rhyme ended up being the heart of the poem and the thing that makes it "different" thats why I layed the rhyme on so heavy and added in the internal rhymes as well ... if I didn't pull that off that's my issue to rewrite...but the theme of the poem is about me and my muse struggling with writers block and my more recent exploration of writing without rhyme...(which is the only way I've written since a child and at times have "needed rhyme" as a comfort zone) but in the last year or so I have been more comfortable with free verse and have even began feeling restricted by the rhyme....the very few posts I had before this...were free verse as were several I have wrote that have never been posted... I dont know if this inner struggle with rhyme will make sense to anyone but me...but that's what the yin-yang of this was about...how could it not rhyme? That's my humble opinion anyway....and perhaps the fact that the rhyme didn't work for some proves my point for me.( my now feeling restricted by it) Anyway....I hope I answered some of your questions and again...I thank you so much for the time and effort you gave this...and its great to see your name back here. thanks again to all who came by jm Cant stand up for fallin apart |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
While you never grace my work with your insightful and delightful comments, I never fail to read your work. My two cents worth is saying that I don't care what the format, if a work is good, it is good. If it carries a thought, a message, or just entertains ... whether rhyming or not ... structured or free verse ... then the poet has done her/his job. Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. [This message has been edited by Interloper (05-31-2002 01:54 PM).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Your expression is amazing, why do I feel I am you when I read your words? I guess you touch something deep within You write not with a pen, but with your heart This is truly superb, and overwhelmingly touching hugs Liz |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Interloper..... "never grace"? Off hand I can recall several of your pieces and duets that you and SEA have done that I have replied to... maybe not recently but since you brought it up....lets be honest...you're not often on my work either. Bear with me here..... I have received several Emails about this reply and some other issues that came up on this thread and I feel the need to address some of it here--since I have become aware how much attention this is getting. First of all I am not upset with any ones honest and sincere constructive replies... and I love those of you who have been "protective" and concerned...you make me smile. I am not here as much as I used to be (there was a time I did 50 plus replies a day)(crazy as that was) but I am a self admitted moth and poetry-aholic ...yes, I do miss peoples work now and I feel bad about that( more than is probably healthy) but it cant be helped....and when I am here with limited time, I feel like I have to divide my time to those who do read my work regularly...these forums are too heavily posted now... no one can keep up. I can make the same point that Interloper made to me...there are quite a few who I often reply to that have not been on my few postings of late...but that's life in the "big forums" Its never about numbers to me.....its about trying to return the respect given....my poetry always is well received and believe me, I never take that support for granted....and while we are being honest... we all realize there are personal issues and personality conflicts that go on behind the scenes that may effect who we reply or dont reply to....in the end we all have to be true to ourselves first. I am here for the poetry...for a deep need and love for reading poetry....the fact that I rarely post my own work should prove that. But I have also been honest in saying that I am here too much and am trying to work on that. And I hope this is all taken as I intended..so much seems to be misunderstood in this written medium.Back to Interloper....I am most sorry for neglecting your work and will try to correct my oversight in the future.... that being said and all of the above being said was with no animosity intended... I sincerely thank you for this -- what I believe to be a sincere and encouraging reply and I do appreciate your insight. Thank you much for such kind words and support of both my replies and my work. Liz ... thank you for such a touching and lovely reply....sometimes when we write... we have to write to release the emotions and how we dress them up is not as important as the expression itself....thank you for understanding that was what I needed to do here. My struggle with writers block and my moody muse is well documented here *L* Its always a comfort to know others understand. And welcome back....Youve been missed my love and respect to Poetry Land jm Cant stand up for fallin apart Cant see through this veil across my heart, over you- Youll always be the one. You were the first, youll be the last [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-31-2002 01:10 PM).] |
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ThUnDeRkYsS Senior Member
since 1999-09-23
Posts 727Wisconsin |
This was absolutely wonderful I must say. The way it was written really got me into it, I'm very glad I took the time to read it. Very often I am limited by time and shy away from long work and am SO glad I didnt do that this time. I feel this place has changed a lot since I came here, especially reading the replies to this wonderful work of yours. I never was on tons due to my busy life usually and am trying to get back more now. It's too bad when all the politics of large forumn antics make their way into such a great place and stir things up too much... sway people into following others or trying to "fit in" or whatever. I am open to all kinds of work, free verse, rhyme or not poetry is about feeling and portraiting what is in your heart, not judging people on how yours should look more like his, and "if you want a good example of REAL writing, take a look at this." But the more people in one place the harder it is to get away from that and one thing is for sure, this place has grown since I joined back in Sept. of '99. Great work again, thanks for this wonderful read {{HUGZ}}Strive for higher levels, if they seem out of reach... Grow, and they will get closer. |
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Very late with this one...so glad I found it Janet... this is amazing...just thought you should know!!! I've missed this from you sweet girl!!! *Hugs* Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... |
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esclandre Member
since 2001-06-11
Posts 62Northern California |
between the poem and the comments, i feel a little out of my league. i'm not very good at rhyme myself, that's why i write free verse (or at least try to. sometimes it doesn't come out like i'd wish it would.) *g* esclandre |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
ThUnDeRkYsS .... Thank you for your kind words...Its good to see your name here again...thank you for taking the time to read my purge Yes this place has grown so much, but thanks to Ron and the mods constant efforts, as big as its gotten the site still runs on respect...much smaller sites dont fair as well as this poetry giant does. Thanks so much, I hope you'll be able to stop in more often Devina ... hey girlie-girl!!....and its never too late have a freind stop in thank you for the kind words and its good to have you back with us too!! esclandre ... thank you for coming by and for this sincere reply ...no one here is out of their league....thats the beauty of this place...each is allowed the space to express and explore the style of poetry that they find most comfortable in and then are given the tools and encouragment to learn and grow and find new inspiration as well. I have learned so much here and been inspired so many times by the amazing poets here. thank you all your insight and generosity Peace and Poetry jm Cant stand up for fallin apart |
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MidnightSon Member
since 2002-05-15
Posts 312between the gutter & the stars |
simply astonishing work. it literally made me stop and it glued me to my screen. i can't pick out my favorite lines....this was heartfelt and provocative.... made me feel like you were speaking my mind's thoughts in some places. like you were couseling me for a few lines.... --------- ""Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." "I know you better than you realize ... after all, I see you through your own eyes. With me there's no rejection ... I am your true reflection." ------ amazing, inspired words. you write from the place inside that hurts to stay and linger in. that's hard. later gifted gator "The soul is oftentimes a battlefield where reason and judgement wage war on passion and appetite." [This message has been edited by MidnightSon (06-03-2002 07:35 PM).] |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
MS...you humble and honor me with this gracious rely...thank you so very much... the parts of this you understand...leads me to believe we've walked many of the same roads, and thats the gift of this place and poetry...the reflection of ourselves that we find in one anothers words. thank you Poet Sir...and again..welcome to poetry land When man is lead to arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations |
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baerlon Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 197Youngstown and East Liverpool, Ohio, USA |
Don't know where i was when this was posted but these lines really hit me. Some things are better left unsaid ... left buried like the dead, left alone in my head. Some things are better kept inside ... you don't know the times I've tried, you don't know the tears I've cried." thx There's a peace inside us all |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Hey bae.. dont worry..I cant keep up in here anymore either...thank you for taking the time to find this one in back pages...it means much to me... thank you for letting me know you felt something in the words, take care jm You ... |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Can it be you seek to see, that infernal tragedy The loss of singularity, with inner eye of peace. Or is it that you wanted to, interpret that which haunted you, By talking the whole thing through, with the only one that understood you… Yourself? Great write – I thought at first it was a little over done but you kept it going all the way through – good work! Ps thanks for the comments on mine. |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Can it be you seek to see, that infernal tragedy The loss of singularity, with inner eye of peace. Or is it that you wanted to, interpret that which haunted you, By talking the whole thing through, with the only one that understood you… Yourself? Great write – I thought at first it was a little over done but you kept it going all the way through – good work! Ps thanks for the comments on mine. |
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BloomingRose Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092Florida |
This is... truly amazing writing. Deb |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
SiO2, forgive me for missing the chance to thank you for this intuitive reply.... "Or is it that you wanted to, interpret that which haunted you," yes..that is it exactly...for its these things that take my muses words and silence my pen. thank you so much and again welcome to Passions. Deb....hey you!! Welcome back girlie....thank you for the kind words for taking the time to find me on back pages...good to see your name here again. |
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EagleOne Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829Between a laugh and a tear... |
Just me wandering around in the dark again! ya know there are times, lot's of times, when your words just blow me away...Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. ~Arthur Miller |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
thank you Eddie...for always taking the time when you are able to be here, to find my work....youre faithful, tried and true and groovy too  We wish ourselves beautiful ... and cry in the night. |
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Dee Member Elite
since 2000-08-19
Posts 2330Queensland, Australia |
You know something JM girlie? I miss your words too. Couldn't find anything new so I hope when I come back there is a thing or two for me to read Love Dee Stand straight and tall, not the reflection as others see you, but as you truely are. Clearwater |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I hope so too Dee-girlie.... me moody muse has took off for the summer... well one of us should get a tan, right thanks sweets...youre so good for my spirit. Now for me some words come easy |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I found it! Told K was on a mission to find this and found it! This is my second favorite about the ocean of course as this part I just loved..."I know you better than you realize ... after all, I see you through your own eyes. With me there's no rejection ... I am your true reflection. Yet from me, you now feel the need for protection? You used to say I was the one who gave you direction." "What about the times you leave me behind? Need I remind? It's you who takes my words away ... where's the intentions of kind when you're gone to stay? For now it's probably better this way, for all the things I'm feeling these days ... there'll be no right words to say." However, you know what I loved on this poem a lot? It was your response of honesty and directness on getting in touch with your muse, (just as you are honest, direct, and caring with everyone you speak to.) I love it best when you have these conversations "with yourself" JM, they truly are allowing us some insight into living a better life in general. Now I can go to bed as I found it (sort of sad but I can always read tomorrow.) Happy Birthday Moth Lady, and know this... ~* You are loved big time! *~ |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
WOW JM...this absolutely floored me. it's a  Happy Birthdayyyy  mxx "we all have wings, but some of us don't know why" |
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