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Open Poetry #20
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graveyard days
| Open Poetry #20 |
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graveyard days |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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beneath the Oak, and bait our traps with chicken necks-- in tempt of the elusive crab-- a carefree stomp of childhood through the iris growing wild, so much alive that I forgot the dead were also planted there... beneath our feet a million miles away...we stayed the strong within a swarm-- of stray a dragon flies immunity... I found the stone-- simplicity of simple dream so simple that it caught my eye... in focus of a one-eyed lie. A single name was chiseled there, a lightning bolt of passage rite-- I understood the gravity-- the grave was just my size... a date of death-- no heritage to grace the rock. A child of slave had died one day... since that day I've written chains and even in my innocence-- I've wondered, always, did his death make Him--legitimate.? and fingertips tracing circles of goosebumps on my back in mindless repetition... Warm, soft lips, baptizing me like summer rain falling on a sweaty, wondrous child-- eyes shut tight, arms spread wide, dancing in circles, dizzy with life... http://www.louisianaswamp.com/ [This message has been edited by serenity (05-06-2002 12:18 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Whew! Karen..this took my breath! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Have to agree with Martigirl on this one...(er...I'm 'writing an essay' (which is why I'm here hah) so I'm not even going to critique you...lucky you eh?) love ya  K |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  Wow!!! This one also gave me goosebumps, sweet friend, this is a powerful intense breathtaking expression, sweet friend, this is excellent, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karen, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Ohmygosh Karen!! This is exceptional! WOW! I am at a loss for words.... Fantastic write. ~Hugs~ |
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SmittenKitten Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131where the sky and horizon meet |
and fingertips tracing circles of goosebumps on my back in mindless repetition... Warm, soft lips, baptizing me like summer rain falling on a sweaty, wondrous child-- eyes shut tight, arms spread wide, dancing in circles, dizzy with life.." Me too.... This is awesome K. How fast our innocence disappears! *hugs* ~Krista Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself. |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Is it OK if I get the goosebumps now? Exceptional, so visual....and the ending "legitimate" that hit home.. |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
serenity - this one is going straight to my library....after I read it one more time. Excellent!! Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
popping in to say thank you...and I'm so sorry that I am so often negligent about that. Tsk to me! You are all so kind and wonderful-- I wouldn't want you to think that I was avoiding YOU!!! grin...most often, I'm avoiding ME. So thank you all, and Kamla, I missed your critique...I do have questions for you! I especially would like some help with breakdown of free verse (line by line, emphasis through punctuation...and the general use of form and structure. I NEED a really good explanation of how and if meter applies to this--(and if it doesn't, why don't we just slash up our prose?) <---SEE> Missed yer input! And speaking of input? Where the hell is C?  But anyhoo....thanks. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I would not even attempt to critique this one....I wouldn't change a word. What a poignant piece of time you have captured here comprising a link between the youth of life and death in such a natual way... ...and I learned that you catch crabs with chicken necks!!  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Sweetie - This is in my things to do list then. I'll crit you - maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow morning. I do have a small oral presentation to write tomorrow, so if I don't get to this by then (your night-time lol) then could you email me and remind me?? Hey - thanks for wanting my opinion LOLLOL.. as to C - don't worry...he'll no doubt roll around and drive you mad with his opinions...run while you still have time heh cuddles K |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
eyes shut tight, arms spread wide, This line struck me as did much more but at the moment, I am conversationally challenged. Know I loved this one, K. Who's gonna wake me in the...daylight? |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
serenity, Wow. You left me speechless. I can say that I will definately be back to read again... it's brilliant. Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Mike? aw...y'make me hug myself. Truly. High Praise from a master. Thank you so much, and yanno, I'll not stop trying... Much thanks to all...um...I may present this another way, but I do thank you for reading. And all of your collective generosity. (guess who is still not comfy with this one?) Hugs all...with *winks* |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Good. Very, very good! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
A single name a date of death-- no heritage to grace the rock. A child of slave had died one day... since that day I've written chains and even in my innocence-- I've wondered, always, did his death make Him--legitimate.? * * * (Excerpt) I want cool breezes and fingertips tracing circles of goosebumps on my back in mindless repetition... Warm, soft lips, baptizing me like summer rain falling on a sweaty, wondrous child-- eyes shut tight, arms spread wide, dancing in circles, dizzy with life... ======================================= I was so taken by the unique and well presented imagery and story telling...that I didnt notice right away this was not a KA rhymer. (C will be happy)"rhyme is evil"  anyway...you know that I love seeing you try new things..."play with your poetry" and it comes as no surprise to me that you would write free verse and it still be so "classically" YOU ..and YOU KNOW what I mean by that. This is one of those poems that makes the reader want to hear the story behind the inspire...and I'm curious too, about the "excerpt". and no...Im not surprised "youre not sure about this" when we go outside of our "usual style and norm of writing" it takes time to get used to it and get confident. Im rambling?!!? its too early to ramble... see how you get me going very very cool me twin. mothyme ps...I'll leave "hard critique" to those who do it so very well...and then we can both learn *S* ..but as I looked at my reply cut and paste...IMHO...I think it reads with more impact and a smoother flow if its not centered. But thats just me moth eyes. [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-06-2002 07:28 AM).] |
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Dark Stranger Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631West Coast |
serene.... damn you unwrap the goodies and leave them naked on the table enjoyed it |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Nope, Jan...yer right...it does... and hey you DS...I'm not even dressed yet and you've got me naked...oh. Well, it would make sense if you were HERE...thanks! (and I don't think I'm done with this, Jan...lol) |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Nothin' like playing in a graveyard when you're young. When you get older, the best you can do is make rubbings and take pictures. And you just inspired me. |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
serenity - this is awesome, I'm glad I stopped for a read... BC |
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