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Open Poetry #20
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serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2002-05-05 08:32 PM


We used to play
beneath the Oak,
and bait our traps
with chicken necks--
in tempt of the
elusive crab--
a carefree
stomp
of childhood
through the iris
growing wild,
so much alive
that I forgot
the dead
were also planted there...


Death was there
beneath our feet
a million miles
away...we stayed
the strong
within a swarm--
of stray
a dragon flies
immunity...


Until the day
I found the stone--
simplicity
of simple dream
so simple that
it caught my eye...
in focus of
a one-eyed lie.
A single name
was chiseled there,
a lightning bolt
of passage rite--
I understood
the gravity--
the grave was
just my size...


A single name
a date of death--
no heritage
to grace the rock.
A child of slave
had died one day...
since that day
I've written chains
and even
in my innocence--
I've wondered, always,
    did his death
make Him--legitimate.?



*     *     *


(Excerpt)


I want cool breezes
and fingertips
tracing circles
of goosebumps
on my back
in mindless repetition...
Warm, soft lips,
baptizing me
like summer rain
falling
on a sweaty, wondrous child--
eyes shut tight, arms spread wide,
dancing in circles,
dizzy with life...



*     *     *



http://www.louisianaswamp.com/


[This message has been edited by serenity (05-06-2002 12:18 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
1 posted 2002-05-05 08:35 PM


Whew!  Karen..this took my breath!
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2002-05-05 08:39 PM


Have to agree with Martigirl on this one...(er...I'm 'writing an essay' (which is why I'm here hah) so I'm not even going to critique you...lucky you eh?)

love ya

K

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2002-05-05 08:44 PM




Wow!!! This one also gave me goosebumps, sweet friend, this is a powerful intense breathtaking expression, sweet friend, this is excellent, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karen, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
4 posted 2002-05-05 08:54 PM


Ohmygosh Karen!!
This is exceptional! WOW!
I am at a loss for words....
Fantastic write.
~Hugs~

SmittenKitten
Senior Member
since 2001-06-20
Posts 1131
where the sky and horizon meet
5 posted 2002-05-05 09:22 PM



"I want cool breezes
and fingertips
tracing circles
of goosebumps
on my back
in mindless repetition...
Warm, soft lips,
baptizing me
like summer rain
falling
on a sweaty, wondrous child--
eyes shut tight, arms spread wide,
dancing in circles,
dizzy with life.."


Me too....
This is awesome K.  How fast our innocence disappears!

*hugs*
~Krista

Your beautiful words & creativity allow me to connect with the same in myself.  
Thank you for having the courage to share yourself so that I can too

Magnus
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
6 posted 2002-05-05 10:09 PM


Is it OK if I get the goosebumps now?

Exceptional,  so visual....and the ending
"legitimate"  that hit home..

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
7 posted 2002-05-05 10:09 PM


serenity - this one is going straight to my library....after I read it one more time. Excellent!! Chris

Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

8 posted 2002-05-05 10:45 PM


popping in to say thank you...and I'm so sorry that I am so often negligent about that. Tsk to me!

You are all so kind and wonderful--
I wouldn't want you to think that I was avoiding YOU!!! grin...most often, I'm avoiding ME.

So thank you all, and Kamla, I missed your critique...I do have questions for you! I especially would like some help with breakdown of free verse (line by line, emphasis through punctuation...and the general use of form and structure. I NEED a really good explanation of how and if meter applies to this--(and if it doesn't, why don't we just slash up our prose?) <---SEE>

Missed yer input! And speaking of input? Where the hell is C?

But anyhoo....thanks.

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
9 posted 2002-05-05 11:21 PM


I would not even attempt to critique this one....I wouldn't change a word. What a poignant piece of time you have captured here comprising a link between the youth of life and death in such a natual way...

...and I learned that you catch crabs with chicken necks!!

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

10 posted 2002-05-06 12:59 PM


Sweetie - This is in my things to do list then. I'll crit you - maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow morning. I do have a small oral presentation to write tomorrow, so if I don't get to this by then (your night-time lol) then could you email me and remind me??

Hey - thanks for wanting my opinion LOLLOL..

as to C - don't worry...he'll no doubt roll around and drive you mad with his opinions...run while you still have time heh

cuddles

K


Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

11 posted 2002-05-06 01:15 AM


eyes shut tight, arms spread wide,

This line struck me as did much more but at the moment, I am conversationally challenged.  Know I loved this one, K.
Who's gonna wake me in the...daylight?

rosepetals25
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076
PA
12 posted 2002-05-06 01:18 AM


serenity,

    Wow.  You left me speechless.  I can say that I will definately be back to read again... it's brilliant.

Hugs,
Tara

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read"
     - Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

13 posted 2002-05-06 03:25 AM


Mike? aw...y'make me hug myself. Truly. High Praise from a master. Thank you so much, and yanno, I'll not stop trying...

Much thanks to all...um...I may present this another way, but I do thank you for reading. And all of your collective generosity.

(guess who is still not comfy with this one?)

Hugs all...with *winks*

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
14 posted 2002-05-06 06:49 AM



Good. Very, very good!

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

15 posted 2002-05-06 07:22 AM


A single name
a date of death--
no heritage
to grace the rock.
A child of slave
had died one day...
since that day
I've written chains
and even
in my innocence--
I've wondered, always,
    did his death
make Him--legitimate.?

*     *     *

(Excerpt)


I want cool breezes
and fingertips
tracing circles
of goosebumps
on my back
in mindless repetition...
Warm, soft lips,
baptizing me
like summer rain
falling
on a sweaty, wondrous child--
eyes shut tight, arms spread wide,
dancing in circles,
dizzy with life...

=======================================


I was so taken by the unique and well presented imagery and story telling...that I didnt notice right away this was not a KA rhymer.
(C will be happy)"rhyme is evil"   

anyway...you know that I love seeing you try new things..."play with your poetry" and it comes as no surprise to me that you would write free verse and it still be so "classically" YOU ..and YOU KNOW what I mean by that. This is one of those poems that makes the reader want to hear the story behind the inspire...and I'm curious too, about the "excerpt".  and no...Im not surprised "youre not sure about this" when we go outside of our "usual style and norm of writing" it takes time to get used to it and get confident.
Im rambling?!!? its too early to ramble... see how you get me going  
very very cool me twin.
mothyme  



ps...I'll leave "hard critique" to those who do it so very well...and then we can both learn *S* ..but as I looked at my reply cut and paste...IMHO...I think it reads with more impact and a smoother flow if its not centered. But thats just me moth eyes.  

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-06-2002 07:28 AM).]

Dark Stranger
Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631
West Coast
16 posted 2002-05-06 08:02 AM


serene....

damn you unwrap the goodies
and leave them naked
on the table

enjoyed it

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

17 posted 2002-05-06 08:21 AM


Nope, Jan...yer right...it does...



and hey you DS...I'm not even dressed yet and you've got me naked...oh. Well, it would make sense if you were HERE...thanks!

(and I don't think I'm done with this, Jan...lol)

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

18 posted 2002-05-06 02:50 PM


Nothin' like playing in a graveyard when you're young. When you get older, the best you can do is make rubbings and take pictures. And you just inspired me.
Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now
19 posted 2002-05-06 05:29 PM


serenity - this is awesome, I'm glad I stopped for a read...

BC

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