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Open Poetry #25
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The Queen Of The Night (re-post)
| Open Poetry #25 |
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The Queen Of The Night (re-post) |
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molly_the_dolly Junior Member
since 2003-02-12
Posts 25Ontario, Canada |
I've already posted this poem, in the teen poetry forum but i didnt get the response I wanted. I could really use some help on this one, any critiques out there good or bad , be as harsh as you want its the only way I am going to learn. Queen of the night She was the life of the party, the queen of the night. Personality plus, smile,shiny bright. Her wit and charm, impressed everyone. She lit up the night, like the morning sun. The envy of the cynical, who dwelt in gloom and doom, they felt their spirits darken, whenever she left the room. So dazzled were they, they never knew. When she said good-bye, she left with them her happiness, went home to her loneliness...... ..... to sit by herslef and cry. [This message has been edited by molly_the_dolly (02-18-2003 12:52 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Ms Amanda - All Rights Reserved | |||
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
it is definately hard to be in the limelight, to have to put on a show when you're dying inside... this is a good write, I think it brings us to think about those people that may not be as happy as they seem but don't ever show tears to anyone around them. I'm not sure who said it but "be kind...everyone you meet is fighting a battle" |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
molly, the first thing I am going to say is watch your spelling. Incorrect spelling can ruin a perfectly good poem. Here is my critique: Take it or leave it as you please, remember this is my opinion only and I also struggle with concepts. She was the life of the party, the queen of the night. (she had)Personality plus, (a)smile,shiny (and) bright. Her wit and charm, impressed everyone. She lit up the night, like the mor(n)ing sun.(This is a great line except the morning sun doesn't shine at night The envy of the cynical, who d(w)elt in gloom and doom, (why was she the envy if she showed only happiness? It's more likely they would show poisionous fangs, not liking anyone who was not like them) they felt their spirits darken, whenever she left the room.(strange, whenever I am in a mood and a happy person comes in I always feel relief when they leave) So dazzled were they, they never knew. When she said good-bye, she left with them her happiness, went home to her loneliness...... ..... to sit by herslef (self) and cry. This has potential but it might be more powerful if it was not in the third person perspective. eg. I am the life of the party I am the queen of the night I am impressive to everyone and my smile is rigid and bright Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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KoKo Senior Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 995Inside the shadow's shadow |
molly wanted this to be about her friend...That's why it's written in the third person...Probably none of my business...just wanted to point that out!  I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. |
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molly_the_dolly Junior Member
since 2003-02-12
Posts 25Ontario, Canada |
Thank-you Kethry for your critique, thats exctaly what I was looking for. This poem was writen in a third party because intended it be about a girl I know. Thankx for pointing that out KoKo. Maybe when i re-write this you could take a look at it Kethry. thankx Ms.Amanda |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Molly, thanks for not taking offense. I'm happy to look at it. If it's about your friend then you can still make it more personal. She was the life of the party I watched her with delight her smile was always hearty(avid)(brilliant) yes, she was the queen of the night Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
I really did not like this poem... Incorrect spelling is one of the worst things, Try going back and correcting you spelling mistakes. And then it will be a little bit better... You must make sure everything is good, You spelling is the biggest.. If someone has trouble reading your poem, they're not going to like it.. It would be to hard to try and figure out what the word is.. All a person wants to do when they read a poem, is read it, enjoy it. Reply.. And I didnt enjoy any of thoughs. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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