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Open Poetry #25
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because there's nothing else to do...
| Open Poetry #25 |
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because there's nothing else to do... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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rage involuntary muscle flexed in stance and glaring eye one brow lowered in intent of beware that I mean this watch the curling of the lip sardonic word in just a stare shoulders haunched and fists in place one arm crossed the other drawn one forearm to block the punch the other is a trigger cocked waiting for its chance of show... breath involuntary muscle and insurance policy for those who lost the will to live left without the toughlove care of just a simple slap of ass producing rage enough to gasp and suck the air if only by indignity-- what a way to start this life-- pissed-- and waiting for next strike. heart in pump involuntary but it is said through perfect love the heart transforms to tendonize developing free will. Make ye note of sacred heart it bears the signs of muscle--taut. The striate lines are just a sign of blood in pump because of want without the smooth of just because... life because it chooses to defying death as never was and opting never will as truth. Because there's nothing else to do-- we evolutionize. [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (04-05-2003 09:18 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Geez! You must be fun to watch when you're alone!!  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
 I'll never know...grin |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Hmmm....I ain't messin' with you, no matter how well you write.....! Which is mighty well....each stage of this rocket took me right along. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
I like your slant and how you poetically expressed each verse in terse.  Geeez, your pen must be on fire!! |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
The words put together the image. Wonderful!!!!!!! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Make ye note of sacred heart it bears the signs of muscle--taut. The striate lines are just a sign of blood in pump because of want without the smooth of just because... life because it chooses to defying death as never was and opting never will as truth. ============================ damn................ *speechless moth)  "and when we get to the pearly gates ... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm gonna have to come back to this'n.. it's kinda disjointed and didn't really focus towards me goal... lots of aspects I could add here, and btw? any input would be appreciated! (okay, I confess. all of the above was written just to see if b'deer could come up with something! :ek  and hugs t oall. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Well K - even so - I was making that nasty face up there when I read this and here: Make ye note of sacred heart it bears the signs of muscle--taut. The striate lines are just a sign of blood in pump because of want without the smooth of just because... just because . . . xxoo |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
What is left to say?  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
LOL...what Anne said... |
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Tim Senior Member
since 1999-06-08
Posts 1794 |
sometimes disjointed is what is needed. I don't know the slap of ass and pissed works for me, only in that it doesn't fit the rest of the style and vocabulary. Nothing wrong with a wee bit of shock value, but if that was the intention it didn't have an impact except for, just a, with the effort put into the poem, why did she lower the bar for those two lines. In my limited opinion, your ability to uniquely express yourself with a bit of hard edge is what is special about your poetry. A slap in the ass and being pissed may well have their place in some of your poetry *smile*, but having read so much of your poetry, you can be a bit more creative in regards to those two lines and strengthen a fine poetic effort. just look at the lines quoted by Janet Marie and then the lines I have a difficulty with... just too much of a chasm between the two... whenever I read your poems, I am still taking notes... [This message has been edited by Tim (04-06-2003 11:23 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you Tim, because YES, that is exactly what I was talking about, and I happen to LIKE the passage especially with the language because I was trying to depict an angry birth, someone born with a chip on their shoulder. But because there is not segueway of understanding, it doesn't work for me either. I'll be working on this one some more. And geeez...YOU taking notes. HA! So did my shrink!  Thanks very much for the input! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
damn...... |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
K, I've read it three times and still can't think of a good enough reply. How do you keep making me so speechlesss?  You know that I love your poetry, friend....  Heart Hugs, Ethel |
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Karilea - If I whisper, will you listen?...
