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Open Poetry #25
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Aidan
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Aidan |
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Eromyna Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306Pheonix, AZ, USA 
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Aidan, I've forgotten how to breathe, since you took hold of me. You set my sorrowed spirit free. All the panic, pain and fear wash away, shed their masks of terror, their skin of grey. They laugh and tell me they've cleansed my veins. They say, "Open your eyes. You're alive, child, for one more day." Even my tears are of joy, are of healing rain. If I bled now, I think I might glow from the cut, might flood you with bliss before the wound shut. And what the hell is death? It's a sweeter tasting breath. "I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation." |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shay D. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
intense, cuts to an inner level to release a deep pain |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is good I'm not so keen on this: "And what the hell is death? It's a sweeter tasting breath." It seems to make death attractive - I plan to live forever!  You could join the Workshop if you'd like to stretch your poetic muscles - they have a good group over there! |
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icequeen Senior Member
since 2001-12-09
Posts 633FL USA |
If I bled now, I think I might glow from the cut, might flood you with bliss before the wound shut This is great... intense and edgy. I'd end with that stanza. It keeps with the sort of staccato cadence of the piece and I don't know... but the word "shut" makes it seem, well...final, and worthy of stopping there. Excellent write, I'll be looking at your other works too  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
you have a style all your own. I do agree with Poetdevine though on those last lines. I am enjoying your poems today. M |
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Eromyna Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306Pheonix, AZ, USA |
I have the same qualm with the last pair of lines. I'm removing them from any future rendition. "I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation." |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Aidan, I've forgotten how to breathe, since you took hold of me. ============================== If I bled now, I think I might glow from the cut, might flood you with bliss before the wound shut. And what the hell is death? It's a sweeter tasting breath. ============================== I love those opening lines... I read the replies, and perhaps its my penchant for melancholy poetry...but there was something about those last lines that I liked...maybe if you drop them as a closing couplet like I did above to give them more impact...of if you dont like the death reference..try to rework those 2 lines trying maybe to keep the word "breath" as it ties back into the opening lines statement of "forgetting how to breathe"...and I thought that was a cool way to bring the poem full circle... just some food for thought very cool poem...I like your style of writing. |
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Eromyna Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306Pheonix, AZ, USA |
Now there is something I hadn't thought of. I like that idea even better than getting rid of them. I'll work on rewording it somehow. "I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation." |
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