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Anvrill
Senior Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 710
in the interzone now

0 posted 2003-03-14 04:34 AM

He’s in the hospital,
she told me,
after carefully bracing me first;
her greeting as his housemate,
and instructions to find a pen
and paper.
All the while, I was panicking,
knowing that was what
she was trying to avoid
by giving me the number first.

For two days,
I had waited
and guessed and hoped
and doubted and prayed,
creating a thousand
scenarios. I said
something wrong,
and he’s mad at me.
The workload was too much,
or he was a lazy ass.
He had some sort of accident,
and yet to be found,
was lying scattered
by the highway side.
Worst of all those,
it would be his heart,
the most terrifying part
of his body,
which I never dare to
let myself think
might take him away from me
someday.

That was the one worry
I wouldn’t speak aloud to friends,
and when a voice
I hadn’t heard since California
told me to write a number down,
all I could think
was that he was dying on me.
“He’s in the hospital,”
and that was all it took to
make the tears run from my eyes,
as I stood nodding blankly,
murmuring acknowledgements
as she tried to tell me it wasn’t that bad.

Numb, I hung up
the phone, streaked red
with fresh hair dye.
My best friend, just leaving
from her job of hair-dyeing,
stood mouth agape in the doorway.
“He’s in the hospital,”
I was able to say
before my voice betrayed me.
Perhaps the worst
of all my fears,
the relief I felt seemed
like a betrayal.
“But it’s nothing serious,
they just want to observe in case...”
In case all my fears
came true.

She offered to stay,
but I forced her to go,
angry at myself for the degree
of my reaction.
As soon as the door closed
behind her, I was dialing
this new number with
shaking hands, not trusting
myself to avoid
total collapse.

His voice answered me,
sounding only mildly surprised
and not concerned at all.
I could barely make words
through what were trying
to be sobs.

He excused himself twice
near the beginning,
to finish washing up for the night,
and to let an orderly
tend to him.
I was held waiting on the phoneline,
sounds of machines and distant voices
telling fragments of a story I
never wanted to hear.
Just the fact
that he was in the hospital
put my entire planned future
at unease.

Back on the phone,
he laughed and joked
as I fought back tears
again and again.
He was the one asking
if I was alright,
when it should have been
the other way.

I couldn’t put the words together
to tell him everything flying in my mind.
I could barely put the words together
to respond to the things he said.

I wildly wanted to be there,
to hold onto him, cry into him,
put the knowledge into him
of all my thoughts.
To be able to tell him with a touch,
instead of the words that eluded me,
how terrified I was
of his mortality. How it has
crossed my mind at the worst times
that his heart may steal him away,
that I’ll be left alone
with a ghost of everything I’ve ever
wanted, needed or loved
following me at every step,
unable to ever
make things right.

“I can’t let you die,”
I thought fiercely to him,
while all the sounds that escaped me
were sighs, sniffles,
and an occasional affirmation.
“Yeh, I’m okay.”

Yeh, I’m okay,
I just had a reality check.
Brought the worst of my doubts
to the foreground of my mind.
Just his presence in the hospital,
his absence from me for two days,
has taught me plainly
that if I ever lose him, I will
be destroyed. A mass
of tortured emotions,
unable to live without
his poetry, his animal eyes.

He’s in the hospital.
I’ll recover once he gets home.

remember the sound
that could wake the dead
but nobody woke up at all

rs

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2003-03-14 06:32 AM

Good poem! Check your e-mail, ok?

Karilea - If I whisper, will you listen?...

Anvrill
Senior Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 710
in the interzone now

2 posted 2003-03-14 01:24 PM

Well, my email sort of munched up half its contents today... And I'm assuming your message was in what it ate...

remember the sound
that could wake the dead
but nobody woke up at all

rs

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

3 posted 2003-03-14 11:59 PM

Resend, Sunshine.

I love you, baby, and your writing.

I'm baa-accck...

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

4 posted 2003-03-15 12:21 PM

Hugs you guys -
Anvrill - saw this a minute ago and had to catch my breath - *smiling now* xxoo

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

5 posted 2003-03-15 01:07 AM

There is no denying the emotions in this one... very well done.

~You might say I'm a Dreamer, but I'm not the only one...
John Lennon

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

6 posted 2003-03-15 01:16 AM

Well Lori? Seems you can start yer own recovery now.

Great write gal! But let's not have anymore like it for a loooong time. OK?

My best to the both o' yas.

And you! squirrel dude! Them brains'll make ya sick, yanno?

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

7 posted 2003-03-15 04:08 AM

you two are truly one, tis truly a beautiful thing to see when you entwine

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

8 posted 2003-03-15 05:12 PM

I cry and smile at the same time.

I don't have the words, Lady L.

Just know my prayers are with the both of you, and yes, you two are ONE.

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