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My First Love
| Open Poetry #25 |
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My First Love |
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ShaolinsOnlyPoet Junior Member
since 2003-02-17
Posts 31Brooklyn, New York |
**Long piece..sorry. I had to let it out..** My First Love I loved him more than I loved life itself more than health or sound mind He was the kind of man I'd dreamt of I was starving for love but even above that I desperately wanted to take care of somebody because nobody needed me Life had cheated me out of sisters and brothers & I had parents, but they had each other & me...well all I had was issues Psyche torn apart like wet tissue a matted wad of good intentions not to mention the secret shame of sexual abuse There's no use denying the truth I wasn't a well woman I was coming undone and I needed someone to hold it together ...and then he came He swallowed up my shame made me smile again & the way...the way he said my name was like music to my ears banished all of my fears into oblivion joy became a citizen of my heart he drew light to parts of me that had always been dark He was my friend beyond genuine he was...the origin My beginning; My Adam & I was so very blessed to have him in my world but I was just...his girl; his ace Seemed like love between us, but that wasn't the case See, I was 17 and he was 27 not exactly a match made in heaven but he liked me; Adored my mind We had a strange kind of relationship I was the boom to his bip the Bonnie to his Clyde Jekyl to his Hyde....as he hid his love away from me You see, he'd grown tired of the game had forsaken the "same ol' same" of Night after night trying to find Miss Right among too tight skirts and mid-drift so he opted to lift the masks of this thing we call love and dedicate his life to a kinship no carnal satisfactions no physical attractions `cause commitment was an action of the will - not the emotions Most people are just caught up in going through the motions of goosebumps and butterflies fluttering heartbeats and pretty eyes and feelings Lie. They are some fickle muthaf**kas Have you licking lollipops for some all day sucka & I had to admit that he had a relevant point of view but all I knew was that I loved him and he liked me and I prayed it would be enough I thought I had plenty of love to satisfy the both of us I thought...but I didn't think for I was at the brink of hopelessness and I confess that I made him my lord because he had proven to be my savior Too busy building an altar to him to be ashamed of my blasphemous behavior it's the truth nonetheless and I...well I guess I was lost and my mind so tempest-tossed that I couldn't comprehend the tragedy that this would bring to me All that mattered was that he was mine Because I would never find another willing to share my life willing to make me his wife I was a very big girl in a very small-minded world that had spoon-fed me pain and heartache and I just couldn't take it anymore He asked the question that I never thought I'd hear and I gladly accepted...though he made it very clear that he didn't love me and, undoubtedly, never would I said it didn't matter, but then, I never understood the depths of what that would mean and I never dreamed my decision would cause my life to careen out of control God only knows the deeply seeded need for reciprocity Placed in each and every one us purposely I didn't know that I needed to be loved I didn't think that I deserved to be loved And don't get me wrong, he was good to me Never treated me unkindly but he never said those three words in my ear no terms of endearment...no sweetheart, baby, or dear We had a marriage based on commitment and a commitment based on friendship He trusted me not to fall in love or ever need the luxuries of...cuddling or playful touching there was no room for lovemaking ..we were friends who were f*cking And I tried to make it work. I willed myself not to hurt but my love was in need of love and all the friendliness in the world wasn't enough to fill the void inside it was becoming hard to hide my longing for belonging And no more than 6 months in I was at the beginning of the end for my blasphemous sin had come to haunt me why couldn't he just want me? and while he slept soundly at night a war raged in my soul and Peace was losing the fight And when I finally had to concede the victory to my undying need for love the call came and I remember them saying his name and something about an accident but I didn't understand what that meant it couldn't be what they said How could my baby...my husband be dead? but he was. The man I had poured my life into had died and my already broken heart crumbled and left more emptiness inside and I was so ashamed because no matter how sad I felt about the tragic ending to this hand that I was dealt The relief I experienced could not be denied Because I no longer had to live the lie that I tried to pretend was paradise and I cried a mingled puddle of tears that screamed "I miss my Baby!" but cleansed my soul of my last lost years Fighting the guilt of being glad for the façade to end, but God knows I didn't want to this to happen to my friend I never wanted him to lose his life I never wanted to stop being his wife I just wanted him to love me and I knew that wish would never be but I rest in knowing we are both free to know love in it's purity He will know it in Christ and I was given another chance in this life and no matter how hard it was There will always be a place in my heart for my first love. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Candii - All Rights Reserved | |||
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Candii - no sorries - this is stunning - (I know I have a lot of long ones too) You have no idea how close to home this one hits: Psyche torn apart like wet tissue - great lines: I confess that I made him my lord because he had proven to be my savior Too busy building an altar to him to be ashamed of my blasphemous behavior I was a very big girl in a very small-minded world that had spoon-fed me pain and heartache The relief I experienced could not be denied Because I no longer had to live the lie that I tried to pretend was paradise I never wanted him to lose his life I never wanted to stop being his wife I just wanted him to love me and I knew that wish would never be WOW - very nice lines there - I am terribly sorry for your loss and your trials truly - have been there myself once or a thousand times - havent we all? Fly now - like you were meant to xxoo |
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icequeen Senior Member
since 2001-12-09
Posts 633FL USA |
You go girl! That's what I call getting it out. Good job, and remember... FREE is your key word here. You are, so like littlewing says... fly! the only man worth your tears will never make you cry |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
"There will always be a place in my heart for my first love." Exactly...enjoyed...James |
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