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Open Poetry #25
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Convince Me
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Convince Me |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Smile me serious When I look into The depth of your Teary eyes. Cry me happy. Make you mine. Tremble me With the Truth of you. Outline my lonely lips With your Flirting fingertips. Kiss the tip of My shy nose. Trace me With the grain of you. Whisker me florid, Pink me pretty. Provoke my pulse! Flower me with A bouquet of Baby Breath kisses Blot my bright skin From forehead Down To The Bottoms Of my feet. . Shiver me shiny. Be my Oak. Tangle me tightly in your limbs. ~Convince me~ How much I love you. . . . . ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (03-05-2003 01:01 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Patricia L.Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
oh my! too many great lines to point out, but this is just brilliant. Talk about a love poem! you've outdone yourself. Excellent imagery and.. everything. Always, Alyssa ..ok now its bedtime, lol - And so it was that time stood still - (blink, breathe, stand, fight) [This message has been edited by GG (03-04-2003 11:04 PM).] |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Alyssa, Thank you for taking your time to read and reply. It means much. Smiles! Hugs, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
This is so beautiful Cold hands means a warm heart |
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KoKo Senior Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 995Inside the shadow's shadow |
Wow...Tons of awesome lines there! Gave me shivers, lol. Beautiful write! I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
Pink me pretty. Provoke my pulse! Oh my, this really gets me going, it's just so.............so!! Enjoyed this side of you Pat~ |
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Greeneyes  
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
HUgssss hope you get the words...  lovely youLauren~ Take me where the tides start |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Thanks to all of you for taking your time to read and reply. I am glad you liked this. Hugs, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
regards - these are the most touching words I have read regarding love - touching yet not at all Hallmark - excellent xxoo |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
this one brought a smile |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
You're asking to be convinced, yet you have totally convinced me.. one of the best I have seen on here. Highly recommended for the book. |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Loner, Thanks for the beautiful. KoKo, Gives me shivers, too. Especially the Oak line, mmmm, yum! Smiling, thanks. Lori, Glad you like this side of me. It has been so long since I've been involved I wouldn't know what to do!!! Lauren, Nice of you to read and reply. Thanks. That would take a real miracle! lw/Sue, Yeh, these are quite touching words...grinning here..thank you. Dixie, You smiled? Terrific! Now I wonder why? Ringo, ~My man~ would be convinced as well... just a little bat my eyelashes, show me...kinda poem...Should have added a catch me if you can line, now that I think of it. Smiles. One of the best you've read here? Oh, my, keep reading, for we have Master Poets online here..and each poet here, novice or master, or inbetween, in their own right and experience and and style are very good. I love the variety. Thanks for the compliment. I have three in Reflections already. Not familiar with yours, so you must be new. I'll try to go find some. Again, thanks to all of you, Hugs, Pat . ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. "Desiderata" [This message has been edited by regards2you (03-05-2003 11:54 AM).] |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
M I like it from top to bottom and the other way round *s |
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NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
Ahhhhhhh ..... fantastic ...... fabulous ....... OUTSTANDING!!!! Hugs and a HUGE SMILE. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
pat... liked this a great deal.so what I am going to say should not be taken in any way as taking away from the piece as it stands..just a point or two...that I too have to think about and constantly forget..that I wanted to point out. 1. You introduce in the end... be my oak..and I don't read any reference to oak or trees into the preceding lines.. they may be there and me not seeing them..( have aheadache and not reading too well...sorry) but without them..the jump from the rest of the poem to the image of an oak..seems a bit abrubt and not in the same form as the rest of the poem..which trembles down the page with line after line of intimacy... it works... just sticks out in my read of it..and not as smooth a transition as precedes it... sort of like mixing metaphors.. we all do it sometime...and sometimes it works. 2. Flower me with A bouquet of Baby Breath kisses this too.. a great image and yet... seems to be stuck in...instead of built in... OK... not picking.because it reads great..and give the reader the feel I think you intended... just small items in my read I paused on...and wondered if they were reworked and woven a bit better would the poem go from very good... to great.. firing squad assembles at dawn..you may take the first shot by right of default.. I'll bring my own blindfold  |
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Phantom Poet Member
since 2003-03-03
Posts 116Arizona USA |
I'm Convinced the write is terrifect >>phantom poet<< |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Maureen, Thanks for replying, and that you like it. Marti, Thanks for the huge smile. Hugs. Ron, Just got home and I am starving. Skimmed your reply briefly and want to let you know now, but, I'll get back later when can concentrate little better, how much I appreciate the indepth review and reasons why, etc. I need time to study but what you did for me is EXACTLY the kind of input I need....for I cannot see those things myself, although frankly, I didn't even like the bouquet of baby breath lines AT ALL, but, believe it or not, that is where the poem first began... When I write, I've never had a clear reason or necessarily an intention other than getting these thoughts/ideas floating around my mind down on paper....I'll get back to you.. relax, no firing squad/blindfold. Thank you so very much for this, can't wait to take some time to think it all through. Later tonight....but, want to eat, play catch-up on unread others' poems. Truly, you did a wonderful thing for me. I'll probably leave another message at some point. Hugs, Pat Phantom Poet, Thank you ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Ron, Yes, I do see what you mean re: 'same form' in both instances. When writing this my concerns were: 1) Using too many me's and my's. 2) Getting past the head (lips, eyes,nose) to show complete love-making. 3) That the phrases: "Provoke my pulse" and later: "Shiver me shiny" were not enough of the picture to show completeness. 4) I wanted to bring the bodies together without explicit details. "Tangle me tightly" popped into my mind and I built on that. The Oak to show strength, masculinity, sort of 'you Tarzan, me Jane-conquer me type thing, ~hoping~ it would work by tying in "In your limbs (oak tree). I had no thought of [SAME FORM] So, thank you for taking the time to teach me to think about such. Wonder if this would work better: A) leave out Oak lines B) change the "A bouquet of Baby Breath kisses, and do NOT use caps. C) Add line "Make me complete" to accomplish final act of bodies uniting. So this would be my change in the poem, by using all up to and including: Provoke my pulse. (and these changes) Flower me To Full blossom. Blot baby breath Kisses From forehead Down To The Bottoms Of my feet. Shiver me shiny, Make me complete. ~Convince me~ How much I love you. Think this would work better? Again, thank you for your help. With this critique from you I will try to remember: Same Form I didn't have a good feeling about either of those ideas, but let them slip by....not taking the TIME to try to fix them. Maybe someday from good to great. I still am amazed at some of the lines I do create (Duh, did I write that)? and get caught up in that...rather than striving to get better at it.... Sorry so late in getting this on-line. Thanks, Hugs, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
yes... I think this works... and it eliminates the places I stumbled.. only question then is does it also say what you want it to? if it does in your mind..then it does... nice edit....and both work well.. but I do prefer the edit. lines...yeah I understand about wondering where they came from..or did I write that? sometimes..they just are... |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Ron, Thanks for your reply. I would have changed this on-line, the original poem, but it is too late. So the question is, what, then was my intent in writing this; what did I want it to say? I still have not defined that. But, I am satified with the finished poem. That it would be read and enjoyed by others and myself. I noticed I have a tendency to add too much to a poem, rather than allowing readers to draw their own conclusions. Also, perhaps I have a slight fear the lines written won't have been good enough to pull off a shorter version. Something for me to think about. I like the edit better, myself. Nice to know others wonder where those lines/ideas come from, and for me, the happy realization I am able to write something to communicate with self and others. A pleasure, indeed. Yes, sometimes they just are there, floating in my mind... I had no intention of writing a poem when this was written, I was doing something entirely different, but wanted to capture some of the thoughts floating in mind....more I did that, more I decided to write a poem right then. Thanks for these lessons. I appreciate you taking your time to help me. Hugs, Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
My goodness, Pat~ How very, very beautiful ... the original and the re-write are done with the skill of a poetess of creativity of thought~ Keep writing sweetie ... it becomes you~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ *Tee-Hee !  Not be "misconstrued"  ... it's just a ~~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Pat~ You did say CONVINCE ... not CONVICT ... didn't you~  Got lots of rope ...~ Night all~ See ya' tomorrow~ Night, night my dear friend~ ~HUGLETS* ~*Marge*~ *Sheesh, had to sneak back in to fix my wittle Good morning all~ May God richly bless your life~  ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] [This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (07-06-2003 09:12 AM).] |
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